The Values Gals

Got Anger? Get Rid of It.

I don’t consider myself an angry person or a person who is easily angered. I am impatient and I do think I am easily annoyed but I wouldn’t say that I am angry very often or that when I am I hold onto to it for long or have difficulty controlling how I behave as a result. I am glad for that. Wow, what an unproductive emotion. It’s unavoidable at times and sometimes our getting angry can result in our taking actions that result in something good…if we manage that anger properly. I recently was witness to someone’s anger, however, that was managed about as poorly as possible, which is to say, not at all, and it had quite an negative impact – not only on him but on all those who were witness to it.

No emotion “stands alone”. We don’t just feel love and give love with nothing else happening at the same time. Love begets kindness, generosity, happiness, compassion and gratitude. And we are not the only beneficiaries – those around us and to whom these values are being projected upon also
benefit. Anger, on the other hand, begets incivility, rudeness, meanness and irrationality. It can steamroll into something very ugly and very unproductive. It can damage or even sever relationships. It makes us feel bad, emotionally and often physically too and those who are on the receiving end of our anger – or just bearing witness to it – are also impacted negatively. What I witnessed gave me a terrible impression of the angry person – it made me question what type of person he might be on a good day – and if on a good day he might still operate with an angry undertone at the helm. My gut reaction to this person? Well, I determined that he was not someone worth knowing or interacting with on any level. If I saw him out in public I’d change course and head in another direction. He certainly made an impression, just not one of a positive ilk.

Something that witnessing this behavior reminded me of is that directing anger towards people is so not the way to go. No doubt we get angry at people but it’s normally an action, inaction or behavior that is at the root of our anger. Isn’t it better to talk about the issue itself? Isn’t that what is more likely to solve the problem? If someone said to me “you make me so angry” I would need to know how or why in order to correct the problem, right? I mean surely my – or anyone’s – mere existence isn’t the problem so why do we so often blame a person or a group of people when we are mad? Of course
sometimes it’s quite obvious what the problem is but in an emotionally charged situation – good or bad – most people are not thinking with a completely clear mind. Getting to the root of why an action was/was not taken is the only way to prevent it from happening again or to rectify whatever issues were the result of what was or wasn’t done.

So why is it that when we are angry we immediately look to assign blame to someone or group of someones? That really doesn’t get us anywhere. In fact, it often makes the situation worse. Knowing who a responsible party is for a mistake is, perhaps, important or necessary in the process of preventing repeated mistakes but instead of focusing on who is to blame, shouldn’t we focus more on the problem, issue, action or behavior that resulted in our anger? Isn’t that where our energy should be primarily focused?

Anger is an ugly, unproductive emotion. When you let anger lead in your communications with others or in the way you function on a day-to-day basis you are limiting yourself – and others – greatly. People will not want to interact with you, people will not want to work with or for you, people will
not feel inclined to assist you if asked or try to ease your load if they notice you could use some help. Your behavior results in a label of “angry guy” or “angry woman” and then that is who you become. People may not go out of their way to exclude you (although some will) but they certainly won’t go out of their way to include you. As Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” I don’t know about you but I don’t like being burned. -AMB

best health: habituate happiness and practice gratitude

goldie hawn had her life figured out from the age of 11. she said that she knew then that her single intention in life was to be happy. sure, the vision she had then for the specifics of her life (dance instructor, married, picket fence) transformed as she discovered her natural ability on screen to make people laugh and her path led her to a career in film. but the happiness intention stayed a constant.

goldie, who seems as sunny and healthy as a person could be, says her two core principles for living a healthy happy life are to:

• habituate happiness and
• practice gratitude throughout each day.

joy and happiness, she says, and embodying those feelings are our choice. we can choose to see the joy and happiness and we can choose to habitually come from those places and generate those feelings. gratitude is nothing short of life transformational. it's great to think of reasons we are thankful but to act on that, to express that is powerful. both happiness and gratitude shift the neurobiology in our brains and bodies, creating a better brew of hormones that reduces the toxic effects brought on by chronic stress and crafts a healthier internal mix. gratitude, she said, literally gets people out of their depression beds.

following our own internal voice, how she lives her life, is also a core key to our best health and happiness. habituate happiness and practice daily gratitude. no time like the present!

liz

cooperation or competition

i watched a fascinating documentary over the holidays, i am, that examined foundational questions about our values as individuals and as a culture. it was an eye-opening film that warranted multiple viewings so i could absorb its offerings.

one of the key questions was: are we predisposed to be in cooperation or competition? present-day media would definitely supply us with endless examples of how we are geared to be in competition with each other. mostly in all superficial ways: money, beauty, fitness, education, fashion, home/car--all outer trappings. and this internalized sense of competition serves to isolate us--pitting us against others on many levels.

but the film identifies several studies in the animal world and cites earlier cultures as espousing a cooperative way of living. the science goes so far as to say that it's in our genes, we are hard-wired to cooperate. darwin mentioned survival of the fittest twice in his treatise, descent of man, but spoke of the observation of love 95 times. he noted sympathy as being the strongest characteristic in human nature. we have evolved to be good to others, to be in true community, for strong survival reasons. we depend on each other for support, for identity, for survival.

yes, we are both cooperative and competitive. but which value do you embody? and are you happy with that choice? would you choose differently and if so, what will you commit to do to make that transformation?

happy new year! liz

Be Generous

Walking through a mall and looking at the crowded parking lots outside of stores one can see how the approaching holidays have caused us to be generous with our spending. This time of year people are in a giving mood – there is gift giving, of course, and the donation of food, clothing and toys to those who are in need – but there are other ways in which we can give of ourselves. I think we often forget that being generous doesn’t require an outlay of cash or the giving of a physical item. We needn’t reserve our generosity for holidays and birthdays and events where it’s a tradition to give some sort of gift in honor of the occasion.

I received a card from one of my students at the end of a class I taught this fall thanking me for all that I taught her. She also wrote that she wished she could have bought me a gift but that she wasn’t able to but she hoped that I knew how much she appreciated me. Her words were, in fact, a gift to me and I wrote her a note telling her so. One of the topics I cover in the class she took – a leadership class – is generosity. As soon as I mention the word and ask the students how leaders can be generous they seem a little perplexed because the image that came to mind upon hearing that word is of someone who gives a lot of some “thing” – gifts, money, material objects of some sort – to another. But then I explain to them the ways in which we can be generous that cost nothing but that are invaluable. The advice I shared with them – written below – is what I try to remember all year long. It not only helps you be a better leader, it makes you a better person.

Be generous with your time. Stop typing on the computer long enough to listen to something that happened to your child at school. Run to the store for a sick neighbor. Volunteer in a classroom or for an organization that needs help. Write a letter to an aging relative. Return the phone call or email to that friend who reached out to you. We all have commitments that keep us extraordinarily busy but when someone needs help, wishes to talk, asks for advice or just wants to share some space with you, give it to them; give them your time.

Be generous with your words. Don’t leave anything important left unsaid. If it’s good, say it. If it’s going to brighten the day or another, say it. If it’s going to help someone forget they are sad, lonely, uncertain about something, feeling left out or stressed then say it. Not too many people tire of hearing words that make them feel happy, loved, needed, appreciated, respected or valuable on some level so articulate those feelings when you have them.

Be generous with your knowledge. So often people are very protective of their knowledge - especially in the workplace. They feel that this knowledge is an asset – and while it is, it does less good and provides less benefit to an organization as a whole if it is not shared. Sharing your knowledge – whether it’s with peers in the workplace, your children, friends, neighbors, whomever – is good for everyone. A more knowledgeable workforce usually results in greater productivity and efficiencies which often leads to greater profits. Sharing our knowledge helps children learn, it may help neighbors avoid using an unreliable contractor, it can help friends make better choices about myriad things.

Be generous with your silence. I know I just said to be generous with your words but sometimes it’s silence that is needed. Listen. Listen well. Really listen, don’t just nod and say “uh huh” in all the right places. Be a good listener to those who seek out your ear and be generous with your silence, very mindfully choosing how and when to contribute your words. Let others have the floor – to either shine in their moment or to allow them to share what they feel they need to share with you.

Be generous with your talents and abilities. We are all good at something. When we think of “talent” we often think of musical talent or artistic talent but a talent needn’t be something that is performed. Thankfully or I’d be talentless! You may be a good people-person, or a very organized event planner. Some folks have mad computer skills while others are good with their hands and can build or fix just about anything. Things we don’t often think of as talents really are to those of us who lack those skills. If you know how to “fix something” and someone needs something fixed, offer to do it for them. Show your child or a friend of your child how to swing a bat properly or shoot a basketball if you see that need or are asked for that help. When a call is made for people who can run events or create certain types of documents or who can physically do certain things and you fit the bill, step up and contribute. What good are your talents and abilities if you never share them with others?

Most of us associate a dollar sign with the word generosity but there are countless, and often better, ways to be generous every single day. It just takes a little noticing and thinking of others. - AMB

ego, meet gratitude

a trait that puts my nerves on edge is ego. as soon as it feels like someone needs to call attention to themselves and repeatedly pat themselves on the back, my respect for them ebbs. it's all relative, of course, but there are people who just seem to have insufferable egos who feel the need to verbally flash neon signs extolling their accolades. i generally find a way to exit the conversation or the vicinity at that point.

ego is offputting to me because it feels as if someone's motive for doing something fabulous was all external--recognition, praise, awe, fame. perhaps those with large egos have equally grand insecurities.

but since i am aware that what irritates me in others is often a reflection of what might also irritate me about myself, i am turning a newly opened eye to my own feelings, when they arise, of patting myself on the back. yes, i think for jobs well done, it's fantastic to throw an inner celebration. and maybe even do a happy dance. but to boast or feel any puffed up sense of pride or inflated sense of worth about it borders on dicey ego territory.

so when i get compliments on a job well done, for example, i immediately ground in gratitude. gratitude is my source. there is always a collective of conditions and support that enable us, even if our accomplishment might appear to be an individual effort. i'm grateful to have done good work. i'm grateful to work with people who i want to do my best for and with. i'm grateful to have work. i'm grateful for challenges and for the opportunity to be creative.

and then there are always my foundational gratitudes, which are i am grateful for good health, good fortune, loving family and friends, wonderful support in life, for my pups, for continuing to stretch and grow, and for getting back on track when i stumble.

so with all the gratitude going on, there is no room for ego. ego is empty calories with no sustenance and potential cavities. ego is cotton candy... with a sugar crash to follow. gratitude is fortifying--it is both poached salmon AND dark chocolate brownies.

ego, meet gratitude.

liz

beliefs-values-destiny

i came across this quote from gandhi on the relationship between our beliefs, our values and our destiny.

think our values are not mission critical for our best lives? values are an essential link in our chain. when we think about how we behave and what our values are, it's helpful to realize they are a compass for the kind of life we live and whether we live to our fullest and richest potentials. perhaps the best gift we can give ourselves for the holidays is to be reflective and thoughtful about our values and how they impact our lives.

liz

inspiration towards gratitude

'tis the season for thanksgiving and gratitude. and even in seasons where the underlying inspiration is to be grateful, that core value can get lost in the cacophony of schedules, parties, gift-giving, bill-paying, commercialized holiday concerns.

i was inspired to share this video of a time-lapse cinematographer's film project through which he discovered a new way of seeing and being reminded of one of our key values--being grateful. please enjoy this interlude of gratitude.

liz

 

I'm Grateful

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m up earlier today that I’d like to be – sort of a pattern lately – but it gives me a little more time to focus on this day and to focus on gratitude.

Gratitude is such a powerful value. A mere “thank you” is, at the very least, a sign of civility – it may be just an acknowledgement for a small kindness or gesture but it reminds us, when we are on the receiving end of it, that we’ve been noticed. I think we all want our efforts to be noticed and one easy way to do this is to say ‘thank you’. It reminds us that we matter or that what we did matters to someone. It’s something that makes life nicer, makes it feel a little prettier.

But a much greater power lies within our being mindfully grateful. Our lives are not happy or good or do not run smoothly simply because we want them to and we can’t always command them or make them be such. We all want happiness. We all want to have, by our own definition, a good life. And
who doesn’t want days that run smoothly, absent of too many obstacles and unexpected snafus? By focusing on those things in our lives that we are grateful for we are able to minimize the impact of those snafus on our moods; we can feel better about our lives in general; we can be happier.

I think that on any given day most people have something that is not “right” going on. I feel quite fortunate that I can say that I don’t have a whole lot of “wrong” in my life and I know that many people are not so fortunate. That is something I also try to remember – that my list of things for which I am grateful may be much longer than that of others – that the stuff in my ‘bad’ column is significantly outnumbered by what’s in my ‘good’ one. Keeping things in perspective is important. Of course it is natural and normal, for whatever reason, to hone in on the negatives in our lives. We never seem to forget our youthful indiscretions no matter how long ago they occurred. On a day full of mostly good we tend to dwell on the one or two things that didn’t go well. We aren’t often kept awake at night because our kids are doing well, we had a great night out with friends or because we aced a test or presentation. It’s where our lives fell short or the challenges we aren’t quite sure how to deal with that elicit that insomnia. It may not be possible to flush these negatives from our minds or out of our lives but we can change how much energy we give to them and letting our gratitude take center stage is one way.

My life, like that of most, has its share of ups and downs. Presently there are some downs which are easy to get mired in – but I don’t want to be mired in them and I’m trying not to be. I’m not being 100% successful in that effort but I’m doing better than I would be were I letting those negatives stay front and center all the time. One thing I’m trying to do – something I should do each and every day (although admittedly I don’t always do so) – is remind myself of just a few things I am grateful for that day; to appreciate the good of my day rather than feeling like I just want to get through it.

So today I will definitely be letting gratitude rule. There is so much in life to appreciate. I have wonderful people in my life and wonderful memories of people who are no longer with us and yet they are. That alone is enough. I feel immensely blessed, however, that I have so much more to be
thankful for. And there is still so much more that is out there that is gratitude-worthy, that is just begging to be appreciated. All it takes is for us to simply notice. Happy Thanksgiving. - AMB

love and truth

love is at the root of all that is dearest to me in my life. love has been and continues to be one of the biggest teachers throughout my years. here's what i know about love.

love is not always tied up in a pretty bow. love is truth. and truth may be uncomfortable. it may not be easy to face, but when we do, the opportunity for love to flow increases.

if our actions and intentions stem from love, we must speak the truth. otherwise we perpetuate muck.

for transformative beauty and love in life, come from your truth.

liz

What Are We Supposed to Do?

Joe Paterno says he regrets that he didn’t do more,referring to not doing anything more than telling his superiors about the alleged sexual abuse of boys by his one-time defensive coordinator, Jerry Sandusky. He said, “I did what I was supposed to do”, referring to having told his superiors. Well…what I take issue with is his feeling that what he was “supposed to do” when told about a possible child rape by one of his coaches was to tell his superiors and be done with it. What are we supposed to do when faced with something that horrible? So many people are saying that we really don’t know what we’d do if we were in that situation. Really? I do. It’s a child. I have no doubt that I wouldn’t basically be saying “well, I told my boss, it’s no longer my problem.” Seriously? Certainly there is a lot to this story, and by no means are the crimes that Sandusky committed against children Paterno’s fault, but didn’t he have an obligation to ensure that the issue was properly reported? Didn’t he have a responsibility to ensure that this man, who was bringing children onto his field and into his locker room, was not abusing them in any way? That was “his house” – shouldn’t he know what’s going on in
it, isn’t that part of his job as head coach? Shouldn’t he have been a little more hands-on? What are we really “supposed to do” in that situation? To attempt to absolve yourself of responsibility or defend your action/inaction by basically citing some University handbook or policy is absurd. Sure, legally, in the state of PA, he did all he was “supposed” to do. Not sure that would help me sleep at night.

Now, I have nothing against Joe Paterno and certainly don’t want to come across as blaming him. The real criminal is Jerry Sandusky and then there are also the people who did fail to report things to a higher authority – they are also being charged. But Paterno should have done more. Even if he wasn’t legally required to tell authorities, why wouldn’t he? Or at least find out if his superiors did? This wasn’t a case of someone stealing some sports equipment, this was the molestation or rape of a child. The former you might let someone else worry about, I’m not sure how you could avoid worrying
about the latter.

It shocks me to read how many people don’t report cases of suspected abuses against children – or anyone for that matter. I have on more than one occasion injected myself into what seemed like a precarious situation for a child, usually in an attempt to calm what I viewed as an overstressed
mother who was losing control. My saying “hey, do you need some help” has, on more than one occasion, seemed to lower the stress of the moment. Other times I think inserting myself into something that some might view as none of my business has been a reminder that someone else is watching – and that that someone else might do more than just say something – they might take down a license plate number or call the authorities. Knowing that someone else is watching may help bring about some self-control or maybe it does nothing more than delay an abuse until later but I – a person who tends to avoid interacting with other people – could not walk past these incidents – or potential incidents – without attempting to do some good for that child. That’s how I know I wouldn’t, for one second, hesitate to act upon seeing or hearing of a child in even graver danger. So yes, Paterno, in my opinion, deserves to be fired. He may have followed “the rules” but he had a tremendous values failure. It was not “right” to just adhere to the basic requirements of some policy. If he had thought for one minute about what he would have done had that been his child I bet his response and actions would have been completely different. When we look at matters so impersonally or as not our business – which so many of us do – it’s easy to not get involved or to do the bare minimum that we are “supposed to do”. But if we make it personal – if we picture that boy in the shower being sexually abused as our son or our nephew or our best friend’s child then we will likely have the answer to what we should do. Reporting it to our superiors is just one of the things we’d do not the only thing.

So while statistics show that most people would have done what Joe Paterno did were they in his position, I have difficulty accepting that. Aren’t we better than that? I would hope so. And maybe that’s all I can really do is hope. So if that’s the case then I hope I will never be in a situation where I regret that I didn’t do more. I hope that I will always act to defend the defenseless; doing what I know in my heart is the right thing. I hope that I will never be satisfied doing what I was supposed to do if it doesn’t result in proper or just actions. I hope that I will never be a party to another’s suffering by failing to act. And I hope that anyone who sees a child in danger – or even thinks they are seeing a child in danger – will do something – no, not just something – I hope that they will do everything that they can to try to ensure that child is safe and protected. Why? Because that is what I think we are supposed to do. - AMB