The Values Gals

midlife values aha moment: accountability and appreciation of temporary

accountability seems to be the value most rich in exploring for me as i continue to feel my way through my midlife reassessment. this weekend's new accountability nuance is to be fully present each moment, and to appreciate every moment and situation, every relationship and every thing as temporary.

norman mailer wrote: one must grow, or forever pay the price of remaining the same.

i had one of those where-did-it-come-from aha-moments over the weekend. literally like a light bulb flipped on in my understanding. and it is this: everything is temporary. i was experiencing a particularly challenging day with my senior pup zoe, who was not happy and wasn't feeling well. i know that my worrying over her isn't helping her. more than ever, my energy needs to be positive around her to help her feel comforted and positive.

the thought that it's only temporary gave me a whole new level of comfort. she goes through ups and downs, as do we all. and in the unhappy spells, accepting them as temporary makes it much easier for me to pass through them without getting consumed by concern.

conversely, in the good times, i appreciate them more keenly knowing they too are temporary.

it seems rather evident, this revelation. i mean, we ourselves are only temporary on this earth. but i realized my mindset is oriented towards permanence. i buy things to last a lifetime. i anticipate relationships will last forever. i want to count on people and circumstances. appreciating them all as temporary is already allowing me to more actively revel in the good moments, express joy and love when i have the chance, and to breathe through the tougher times.

accepting that even the dearest treasures in my life may not outlast me, may help me in letting them go when the time comes.

looking at everyone and everything as a temporary gift lets me engage more fully with them. no postponing. this moment is precious. and as we grow from moment to moment, our lives are richer for appreciating each as we had the chance. no regrets.

liz

One Way to Show You Care

I have this habit of shutting down when something is bothering me. I tend to want to really mull the thing over before speaking about whatever it is – if, that is, I choose to speak about it at all. When I was much younger and my tongue much sharper I chose to be quiet to spare others from what could often be not-so-nice remarks. My impatience, impulsiveness and immaturity when it came to dealing with my anger, upset or frustration could result in very hurtful remarks that I didn’t even necessarily mean. Once, after  seeing the hurt my words had caused and replaying what I had said in my mind – really listening to my own words – I realized I needed to count to ten (at a minimum) before reacting when I was upset or angry. I tend, though, to count to about 10,000 – just to be safe – and during that time I stay pretty quiet. This defense mechanism – or whatever it is – serves me well sometimes. When I’m angry or frustrated that quiet time allows me to simmer down and gain some perspective on the matter. Time, does, in fact ease things in those instances – usually – and I can just let it go. Other times a response may be required but having counted to 10,000, it tends to be a kinder, gentler and certainly more measured response. There are still times, however, when I shut down because I don’t really know what else to do. I put up a wall that I believe is mostly to keep more hurt or upset from getting to me but I think others may view it as my wanting to keep them out. Communication is a funny thing. Our words – or lack thereof – send all sorts of messages –some are intended, others completely unintentional – and it’s not so seamless to know what to say or not say when we’re upset or what to do when dealing with an upset person. I think, though, that it comes down to one question – do you care? If you care and you show that care in your words and actions then there is no wrong you can do. I’m not sure I’ll ever stop putting up those protective walls of mine. I just hope those people who care about me, who love me, who are my true friends will always be brave enough and willing to scale them or tear them down.  – AMB

When those that you care about are facing adversity and struggling through challenging times, how do you show them you care? In what way could you both behave differently to optimize the good in your relationship?

gratitude trumps frustration

i was excitedly looking forward to two days shooting street photos for my portfolio and for a project in new york city monday and tuesday. i had booked a great sale airfare and secured a room at a hotel designed by philippe starck that i have wanted to stay at for years. it was to be a creative recharge in many ways.

my poor pup got sick last week from possibly a pain med complication, possibly something else. but after a visit to the vet, we thought she was improving on saturday. only to experience quite a dramatic relapse. it is extraordinarily painful to see her in such pain and unable to eat and get her meds in for days.

i could not leave her and had to cancel my much needed trip at quite some expense. prepaid rooms just don't make sense when living with a pup with unpredictable health. ugh.

i was fighting with myself for being angry about it. and was keen to find ways to rechannel my frustration when all i wanted to do was stamp my foot and be upset. but that's no fun for me or zoe. i knew i needed to turn it around and quickly. the tools i use in this situation would serve me well in the future, so better to get the essentials in a toolkit now.

my takeaway values tools for rechanneling frustration:

• first and probably present in each of the particulars below is gratitude. best defuser of anger and frustration ever. what can i transform this two days at home into so that i am grateful for the unexpected opportunity?
• grateful for the focused time to immerse myself in my photography, which i have been missing. i made a list of JUST photography-related to-dos that i could focus on in the two days.
• i am still taking myself off the grid for the two days and catching up on my online photography courses, and challenging myself to push some comfort zones with my shooting. that was my intent with the trip and to be accountable to that need, i will spend the days at home equally focused.
• i will look at photography books that i collect but haven't yet perused to get inspiration on new ways of seeing.
• i will let the money chagrin go. let it go. let it go. still working on this one. it was a painful cost. but i am grateful that it was just an overnight. it could have been far more painful.
• i will focus on the positive of being here 24/7 to take care of my girl and to keep her feeling nurtured and safe. happy pup is happy me. and of course, she is still teaching me loads about love and patience.
• and for physical health, yoga sessions each day.

as i was casting about this morning in a funk trying to find my way out of it, the values toolkit popped into my head as the answer. and sure enough, it has done the trick.

liz

 

accountability work

as i have been conscious and adapting to the shifts in my mid-life reassessment, accountability to me has been one of the values coming to the fore. my awareness of my accountability to myself has heightened and my work on that value continues to yield positive results.

most recently, i have been out of balance with some work projects, domestic demands and my personal needs to counterbalance all the output. my new accountability work is that i am regularly disengaging from my email and skype. during the workday hours, i am usually immediately available on email, skype, cell phone. but i see the imbalance that devotion to the e-availability creates. i find myself saying i don't have time to work out or grocery shop or make dinner or whatever the task, because i need to be able to respond immediately to the requests as they arrive in my inbox.

the imbalance is generating disharmony. i am not taking care of me, the part of me that generates the energy and creativity that is my job and is my pleasure. 

so i am stepping away each hour from email for a bit to do what i need to re-energize, re-charge, restore, reset all the positive juices and keep them flowing. even if it's accomplishing domestic chores, they need to get done and they clutter up my mind and eyeline if they get neglected. sometimes i just want to snuggle with my girl zoe, and by gum, i am taking those treasured breaks to do whatever. that's me-time. balance time.

e-balance. something we all benefit from calibrating in this digital life. focusing on accountability to me helps me achieve that e-balance. and in turn, my work and clients benefit as well from more focus, greater productivity and general happiness in the process.

how do you practice e-balance and how has that improved your experience?

liz

It’s Not Us Versus Them – It’s Just Us

Significant achievements result at the hands of many. Our President is our Commander in Chief and deserves praise for his role in the achievements that occur under his watch. This is the case with every President – past, present and future. While many are praising Barack Obama since the ultimate capture and killing of Osama Bin Laden was done at his command, many are attempting to diminish the role he and his administration has played, claim that the ‘real’ credit goes to the Bush Administration or are finding a way to be critical in other ways. Anyone with a shred of common sense realizes that achievements made while a President is in office are not realized at his (or her) hands alone or are often a continuation of what began during a previous administration. Many people, sometimes actual armies of them, are integral to reaching an end goal. It saddens me that when we – The United States of America – has something to celebrate, there are people  intent on disrespecting the achievement by making it a “them versus us” type of political pissing contest – a tendency that is not limited to any one political affiliation. It is beyond me why some feel a need to ascribe credit for this latest victory to our previous administration or to vehemently remind everyone of the efforts made by that administration. Unless you’ve been under a rock for the past almost decade you are aware of the events of 9/11, who was responsible and the United States’ efforts to capture that individual and his lackeys. The Bush Administration got it started and Obama Administration has seen it through.  When we are all working towards the same end is there really a need for a scorecard, point tallying or dividing of credit?  For almost ten years countless Americans have been working and sacrificing to capture Bin Laden – I do not know nor care about their political affiliations but I do know I am grateful to them and to all of those individuals who played a role, worked tirelessly and sacrificed in many ways – some with their lives – to see this day realized. Vince Lombardi once said, “The achievements of an organization are the results of the combined effort of each individual.” Finding and killing Bin Laden is an achievement that was realized through the combined efforts of many individuals. Those individuals are of different genders, races, sexual orientations, political and religious leanings – of that I am sure.  Can’t we just be grateful for their collective achievements or must we be grateful with an asterisk?  - AMB

What values does it take to think and act objectively when working with people whose views or opinions are different from yours? Do you find it difficult to thank, honor or recognize the achievements of those whose political affiliations or other beliefs differ from yours? Why or why not? Why do you think people feel a need to ‘stake claim’ to or downplay the achievements of others?