The Values Gals

sitters, rovers, and the value of seeing what is right

i ponder the idea of how we see quite a lot. being a photographer, i am focused, among other things, on seeing what is evident as much as what is not evident. i often bear in mind that what i might be focusing on as the shot might not be as interesting as the shot looking in the opposite direction. for example, shooting images of a baby's face are indeed valid portrait images to capture. but just as telling and touching could be images of the mother's face as she gazes at her child. if i only focused on the baby, i would not turn my camera and i would miss the mom's expression.

i share this example to illustrate the value of seeing, understanding, even having compassion for opposite angles of a situation. of twisting to get an alternate vantage to ensure we comprehend the entire spectrum instead of limiting ourselves to partial information. ultimately... this practice is necessary in living our best life. indulge me to expound a bit more.

it seems in the animal kingdom and in mommy and me classes, one can observe two types of us: sitters and rovers. apparently in the wilds and in "civilization" 15-20% of us are watchful observers, introverts, sitters... assessing a situation, taking in subtle information about associations and relationships before we decide on a course of action. the other 80% of us are rovers who act before observing, exploring their surroundings by interacting with them.

an extrovert professionally when producing, but an introvert at heart and when writing, i have been gifted with various comments from rovers who perhaps were frustrated by my comfort in observing rather than being a social butterfly, and by my comfort in working solo. and indeed, in a new york times opinion piece this weekend, susan cain wrote that many of our anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds over-prescribed to our culture today, are doled out to sitters because our behavior is seen as an affliction instead of a gift.

while there seems to be no difference in IQ between sitters and rovers, each has their own strengths. rovers make friends easily, take risks, are more likely to be hospitalized from injury and are more likely to have affairs. sitters stay on task, work accurately and are more likely to be the creatives in their fields. as leaders, we introverts are also more likely to listen to and implement ideas of others.

cain concludes with a question our culture MUST consider for its own health. medical treatments focus on what is considered to be wrong with people. what if we focused instead on what is right? sitters are not necessarily anxious or depressed, but by contrast to rovers and certainly in comparison with those on anti-anxiety or anti-depression meds (which are now inducing extroversion), we are behaviorally different. but there are positive strengths in those differences. our culture needs us both, rovers and sitters. we need the yin and the yang. as cain warns, what if we are a society who is as comfortable changing our psyches as we are our hair color?

i submit that our fundamental nature holds more wisdom than our prescription practices. and that shyness is not a pathology. what if we were bold enough to make a paradigm shift in our thinking and focus on what is right about us, instead of looking for what might be considered "wrong."

twist to see all sides. look to see what is right, instead of jumping to what we think is wrong. trust our inner guide. live in balance. all conspire to help us live our best lives.

liz

 

cultural values and wisdoms of the native americans

i am at perhaps the most significant crossroads in my life. i am reassessing what is most important to me in terms of professional and personal directions and values. i'm in a transition period adjusting to life after zoe and, in sifting through the lessons i took from her, the most important focuses for me--fabulous health, happiness, love, living in balance, and engaging fully in my best life--are even more keenly sharpened.

my process in periods of transition is to read for inspiration and research and to let my thoughts percolate until i feel that aha moment when the cake is baked, so to speak. being of partial native american lineage, i have always felt tuned to some of their core rhythms and values. i recently re-read the wisdom of the native americans and felt compelled to share cultural practices that resonate with me as being a positive relief to our cultural habits. i know that sometimes i'm so habituated to the way things are that i don't consciously examine the costs and benefits to status quo v. changing.

to be my healthiest and happiest, i look for where i need to get in balance. eyes wide open. it occurs to me, as in photography, that whenever we find the perspective we think is most important, perhaps we would benefit from turning around to look in the other direction to see what of value we might be missing.

in terms of spirituality, native americans celebrated the eternal, the great mystery, silently and in solitude. silence allowed a personal communing with the spirit--speech would be feeble in trying to articulate the nature of the eternal. no middle men were authorized to come between an individual and g-d, particularly since we are nearer to g-d in solitude. additionally, faith can't be forced upon someone; therefore there is no preaching or threatening under the guise of religion. and nature is where we are closest to spirituality and to g-d, so there was never a need to build a temple when the deep woods are a more perfect cathedral than we could ever erect.

silence is revered and honored. i am acutely aware of how much our culture fills the silence with yelling and talking to avoid silence and to shirk being at one with our selves and our thoughts. we now even turn to digital e-speak, we are so averse to silence. silence, however, is a sign of equilibrium, the balance of body, mind and spirit. silence allows self-control, patience, dignity, reverence, courage, poise. in dialogue, pausing before answering someone was considered honorable, giving consideration to the other person's words and feelings before sharing a thoughtful and meaningful reply. today, i notice at least half of conversations are more about a volume or overlapping yapping competition instead of about an exchange and a respect for the exchange.

spirits are present in the world around us. animals have spirits just as humans do, but since they are not able to articulate in a language we speak, we attribute to their souls a sinless purity of an innocent child. we trust their instincts, as they, being nonverbal, are more tuned in to instinctual wisdoms.

love of possessions is considered a snare, a burden of a complex society, and a source of troublesome temptation and danger. i see the gadgets hawked on tv that are designed to peel hardboiled eggs, lift meatloafs out of their pans, suck in our guts-- really? we need a gadget to peel an egg? we can't serve a meatloaf from a pan? we can't do abdominal exercises and eat well? what does the accumulation of things give us but clutter and responsibility to maintain them? yes, i enjoy things of beauty and tools that optimize my life, but some things to me just feel like they are merely empty calories, filling a void we are frightened to address. virtue and happiness are independent of things, perhaps even incompatible with them. furthermore, sharing with people less fortunate was natural. generosity trumped greed.

the value of solitude was appreciated. large concentrations of people was considered unnatural and gave rise to evils, even. certainly, unsanitary conditions were exaggerated in crowded living situations, but also dangers like lust and loss of spiritual centeredness. in nature, when you know how to tune into it, powerful energy can be gathered when we're in solitude but it dissipates in constant crowding.

prayer set the tone for each day. prayer took the form of not a liturgy prescribed for recitation but going to the river, for example, as the sun rose and offering an unspoken prayer in recognition and appreciation of the eternal spirit. it was important to do this alone. moments of silent gratitude were offered throughout the day as scenes of beauty might appear or food was eaten or important journeys commenced.

nature is the measure of consummate beauty and it was appreciated, not destroyed. the book tells of the confusion caused when a party of Sioux chiefs were taken on a tour of the corcoran art gallery to view paintings of nature. and yet the culture that pained those pieces of art showed no compunction in demolishing the very landscapes they painted and slaughtering the buffalo now living only on the canvases. i shudder to think how much of our natural world we have obliterated and toxified for a short-term justification. well, how's our long-term looking?

miracles exist in the ordinary. no matter how scientifically we can attribute every cause and effect, perhaps we have lost sight of the gift of seeing wonder in displays of nature, in chicks hatching from an egg, bees finding their hives.

i submit that values come in all the colors of the biggest crayon box... and more. but i do think it is more important than ever to be clear about what our values are and live in accord with them. our best lives... the life of our world depends upon it.

liz

gratitude as a balm for loss

my little sunshine zoe died slightly over a week ago, leaving a keen emptiness, sadness and heaviness in my heart and my home. she was with me for 10 years and 7 months, she was 8 months old when i rescued her. always exuberant to accompany on any adventure big or small, a bright spot in every day no matter how crappy it may have been, and my ever-present love-snuggle-pup, her absence is acutely raw.

the week following her unexpected death, i was lost. friends of zoe, and even people who weren't dog folks themselves but who knew how important she was to me, buouyed me with support and compassion. i am grateful for all the words of wisdom they shared and for simply reaching out and listening as i processed my way through my grief.

i am also grateful to zoe, who was such a trooper in her final days and spent every ounce she had in showing us how much she loved us. she waited for her dad to return from out of the country to say goodbye to him. and then even in her sudden dramatic downturn, she gave me her all in trying to rally. the cancer consumed her as if it was dormant and then was suddenly triggered. i am grateful that she didn't suffer for long and that she wasn't tortured by treatments that may or may not have extended her life but that she certainly wouldn't have enjoyed.

and lastly, i am so grateful that we have so many photos and videos of her that show how full-grin happy she was. we were able to revisit all the happy healthy moments and laugh as we remembered all her sassy and cute quirks that brought chuckles to our every day. sometimes the laughter was through tears, and that was perfect.

zoe had a good life. as deaths go, i take comfort in the swiftness for her, sparing her prolonged suffering. and our friends who shared their support and love, literally carried me through the first few days. i will always be deeply grateful for these three points. and consciously feeling and focusing on my gratitude was the best balm for my loss. it lightened the gloom and allowed me to see a way to celebrate all the gifts zoe shared, rather than wallow in their loss.

liz

zoe, loss and love

i lost my girl this weekend. my other heartbeat for the past 11 years and 3 months, zoe was gentle and wise and taught me worlds about love, selflessness and joy. she was a gift to my life and also, i am learning, to many other people's lives who didn't get much time with her. but that was zoe. all about sharing the joy, exuberance, the moment, her love. she was and is an irrepressible spirit.

a sudden and dramatic downturn in her health that shocked us all took hold of her thursday. i am grateful that the worst of her pain was short-lived, but i know she was in discomfort for a while. she was such a trooper and she loved us so much she gave us everything she had. she stayed strong until she could say goodbye to her dad. and then the cancer we didn't know she had took over and steamrolled her down in her last 2 days. she tried to rally with the help of her vet team, but she didn't have a chance against the virulent disease.

i am heartbroken beyond words. the emptiness in our home is overwhelming. a friend comforted me by telling me the depth of the loss and sadness i am feeling now is a testament to the connection and love zoe and i and her dad shared and still share. to not grieve her deeply would be a dishonor to our bond.

grief is a process. right now, i am lost without her. but i know our love will live on. she is family. we will treasure her for the rest of our lives. now and always, zoe, you are missed. i love you, pumpkin!

liz

Being Grateful for Incredible, Indescribable Moments

You know it’s been a good day when you think there isn’t a word that adequately describes it. Wonderful? Incredible?  Spectacular? Amazing? When you search your mind for the right word and superlatives like those don’t do your day justice then, well, what do you do? I think you just have to be grateful – very, very grateful. And you relish that day, that stretch of time, that moment that put you at a loss for words.

Our days are made up of moments. Many of them are routine; unspectacular. Some are frustrating, bothersome or downright lousy. But some are good or even great – passing smiles, compliments on something we did, how we look or what we are wearing, hours spent with a most special person that are so wonderful they seem to fly by in the blink of an eye. But have you ever noticed how it’s the negative moments we tend to hold onto the longest – the times when our day fell short of our expectations or desires? Illogically, we hold on tight to those negatives and in the process we lose our grip on those wonderful moments – the good is pushed out of our embrace too soon and we remain mired in what didn’t go right in our days. Why is that? I mean, when we’ve had a great day, a great couple of hours, a great fifteen minutes even – shouldn’t that be what drives our demeanor, what shows on our faces, what keeps the blues from settling in for more than a brief visit?

I can be as guilty as the next guy of letting stuff get to me – of looking at what mileposts are still remaining to reach versus those I’ve already logged. It’s good to recognize, even acknowledge what was not ideal in one’s day to help prevent repeating mistakes through change or some sort of improvement, but we should reserve dwelling for all the good stuff. For example, if I’m missing someone it’s okay to acknowledge that feeling – to feel that longing – but I shouldn’t stay in that place. What I should do – and what I try to do – is focus on why I’m missing that person. The longing is a result of something good – or many good things – so that is where I need to dwell and if I do, well, just try to erase my smile – it’s impossible.

Looking out my office window the sun is setting. I’m listening to some great jazz. I’m having a glass of wine. This is a nice moment. I didn’t have a perfect day. I got a bit of sun burn. I had a little health issue. A few to-dos didn’t get done. But I’m smiling big because my heart is happy. I’m holding on tight to the good such that my arms are too full for anything else. D.H. Lawrence said, “The living moment is everything.” It is. And when it’s amazing, wonderful, incredible and that word that doesn’t exist to describe how perfect it was - enjoy it, dwell on it, bask it in. Completely.  And be damn grateful for being that fortunate; that lucky. – AMB