Stumble It!My son just celebrated his 16th birthday. Those 16 years flew by. We parent-types always say those kinds of things but it sure feels true. From the moment children start walking they begin taking steps away from us. And as they become more and more independent we become less and less influential - or at least less directly influential. When children are toddlers and they make the wrong choice – say to play with an electrical outlet (which looks like one of the least interesting things to play with if you ask me, however they sure are magnets for the crawling and newly walking set) – we pick them up and remove them from that danger. Those days of being able to literally catch them before they fall are gone. They are not under our ever-watchful eyes when they are 16 – and in a few months that will really be true once he gets his driver’s license.
A couple of days before our son’s birthday we drove home with a new-used truck that will be “his”. We swore we wouldn’t be those parents who bought their kid a car for their birthday but a third car will be needed when he gets his license and we wanted to ensure he had those few months of supervised driving time in whatever was going to be the main vehicle he drove. As a parent I worry about giving my children too much. It’s a nice concern to have considering there are parents out there wondering how to make ends meet much less buy their children birthday gifts of any sort. No doubt our children are fortunate but I think – I hope anyway – that the reason they feel fortunate is not so much because of the things they have but because of the real gifts they’ve been given over the years. I think – and again, hope – they are grateful for the material things they have been given or enjoy yet recognize that if all of those things were gone tomorrow they wouldn’t have lost everything – that everything of the most value still remains with them.
If you asked kids what was the greatest gift they’ve ever been given you’d probably get answers like “a new car”, “a video game system”, “a bike”, “a television”. Something that was “a big deal” to them would probably be the response. But I see the greatest gifts we given our children in every photo I’ve ever taken. I have captured happiness, surprise, joy, gratitude, pride, kindness, compassion, love and more in these images. I also see these things in their everyday actions. I may not always see overt, grandiose gestures that tell me my children are responsible, caring, grateful, civil, kind and respectful but I see all of these things – and a good bit of the time. I know that the example I’ve set, the parenting I’ve done has contributed greatly to their being who they are. I can’t take all the credit but I know it’s something that has helped mold them into the little people they are.
What I’ve always wanted for my children is for them to connect with what is important and to know what real feeling, real meaning is. My son was happy when his dad drove up in the truck – he was surprised and appreciative. But it’s nothing compared to the way I saw him look at the sunset and sky one night as we were driving to some locale south of us for a vacation. I had turned to look out the window and saw a beautiful sky and when I turned around to tell the kids to look he was already looking. He said “I know. I’ve been watching it. It’s really beautiful.” He was 13 or 14 at the time. That look and the ones I’ve seen on him when he has been looking at something truly amazing and beautiful and natural show me that he gets the difference between a thing, like a car, and something real and special and worthy of staring at for a while.
Money can buy you some pretty great stuff – stuff that makes life easier or more entertaining at times or more comfortable but in the end it’s just stuff. There’s nothing wrong with having stuff and enjoying it. I hope my kids have all the “stuff” they want one day but when I think about what I want for my children it’s not stuff. I don’t wish for my children to have big houses and fancy cars; to take lavish vacations or have all the latest technology gadgets. I wish for them to fall in love and know passion like they could have never imagined; to feel compassion for others such that they want to do something to ease the struggles they see; to laugh openly and heartily every day; to have a few very good, very close friendships – people you’d do anything for; to appreciate their surroundings – to see or find the beauty that surrounds them wherever they are; to take chances to achieve something that they want; to have an awareness – to notice and pay attention so that they can continuously learn, connect and be in moments rather than just passing through their days; to truly feel – gratitude, empathy – even grief and sadness for those come when we’ve lost what we’ve loved, cared for and appreciated. To know that “the good life” comes more from within; it comes from shared or meaningful experiences.
I have to admit that it felt kind of indulgent to purchase him this truck but as I pondered the decision I also felt that it wasn’t going to change him, that we’ve set a pretty good foundation for him in terms of knowing what’s important, what should really be appreciated - that it’s the sunsets in life that really matter, not what you’re driving when you see them. I think he’ll keep appreciating those sunsets – I’ll just have to remind him to pull over to do so now. --AMB
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