The Values Gals

values rebirth

today is my birthday. i always thought it was more appropriate that our moms celebrated these days, as they are the ones who went into labor for us. let's not even get into delivery! we just showed up.

but being that it is a milestone day, i generally use this opportunity to take stock of where i am in life, where am i living in accord with my values, where am i off course with my values, am i working towards my dreams, does my reality match my perception of my reality, and what do i want to bring more of into my life and what do i want to transition out a bit more? it's about focus, ultimately. where is it and where do i want it to be? most importantly, what am i doing about it? what actions am i taking so it's not just ideas in my head but tangible steps towards them.

all the questions really boil down to values assessments. am i being how and who i aspire to be and where i am not, what values am i shirking? when i bring that to my consciousness, i am much better able to line myself back up and steer back to my values course and being yar with my life.

that's the heavy lifting.

it's just as important to celebrate the moments. whatever they may be. and no matter how fleeting or seemingly inconsequential. celebration is something i hope we remember to practice every day. yes, practice. if it isn't in our consciousness, we would do ourselves good to put it there. celebrations aren't just for the milestones. we don't have to get dressed up and prepare a speech or have cake. although, that's not unwelcome. finding that nugget every single unmomentous day to celebrate. my dog zoe started every morning with a celebratory wag, slurp and gleeful roll. i will heed her wise lesson. for the rest of the days of my life.

liz

love lessons from dogs

tomorrow morning we are on our way to meet and bring home our new furry heartbeat. ernie, just transitioning from puppyhood to adolescence, is a sharpei-lab mix who popped into my inbox a couple weeks back, needing to be rescued. from his photos, his eyes clearly said he was looking for a home and a family to love. so, even though i wasn't looking for another dog yet, and wasn't sure i was ready, i also felt zoe had her paw in connecting us. so a new chapter begins.

just 3 months after zoe's death, i still wish my girl was back with us. i have learned much about our hearts in this summer of loss. but it has also been a summer rich in love. i know the chapter on zoe will never close. i know zoe will be a part of ernie's life... she's probably whispering in his ear that it's particularly great to roll down the hill at the park...and a part of every other furry love bundle we adopt throughout our lives.

welcoming ernie brings up all kinds of feelings about zoe--sad and happy--and awakens a little angst about the unknowns with him. but ernie will be ernie. and this chapter will be uniquely his and ours. i keep remembering what dog whisperer cesar millan echoes--that we don't necessarily get the dog we want, but we get the dog we need. among countless other growth areas, zoe stretched me into embracing selflessness.

my life with zoe, particularly in recent months as she required much more patience and compassion and love and gentleness, has given me an unflinching look at the value of love. it's not all flowers and candy. nothing close to that. it's messy and it takes work and it can be a struggle to be how we know we want to be. and we can be totally off base even when coming from the best of intentions.

i think the most transforming lesson i took to heart in this ongoing journey is that love is infinite. as my sister-in-law says, every pup has a special room in our heart, reserved just for them. and each new pup opens a new room we didn't know we had. it's not just pups, of course, who open new rooms in our hearts. but love is infinite. just knowing that brings me peace.

so we welcome ernie. and here's to the next chapter of love.

liz

Be Armed...for Life

Nicolo Maciavelli said, “Before all else, be armed.” I know that he is speaking of weapons in that statement but when I read it, it struck me differently. “Being armed” to me is being prepared. Life is wonderful but we are tested and challenged at times and we need to “be armed” in order to adequately face those tests and challenges; we need to have a varied cache of weapons in our arsenal.

I don’t own a gun. I respect the fact that Americans have a right to bear arms but I’m horribly inept when handling sharp items so if there weren’t other reasons for my not having a gun, my penchant to be beyond clumsy while handling dangerous objects would keep me from purchasing one. So in that way I am not armed and I don’t feel a need to be but in other ways I think it’s of the utmost importance to be such.

Every day something does awry. I don’t necessarily notice those things or dwell on them for by and large most things go as I expect them to. But no matter how well planned any day is, something unexpected always occurs. Recently the electricity went out about an hour before I had to be at
an appointment. My plans to shower, blow dry my hair and iron my outfit changed. Not a big deal – I wasn’t happy about it but I managed to give the illusion that nothing had gone wrong with my morning as I attended my appointment. Things like this happen all the time – little hiccups occur every day – big hiccups happen too – and if we aren’t properly armed things could seem much more negative or dire than they really are.

On any given day I often end up driving to at least one place to which I had no intention of driving. When you have children that don’t yet drive this happens a lot. To a degree you can “plan” for these departures from your schedule by just reminding yourself that these dependents of yours are, in fact, dependent upon you. Things break. Children get sick. We get sick. Pets get sick. Activities must be attended. Weather disruptions occur. Someone doesn’t show up for work. Traffic gets snarled on the highway. Waiting times are underestimated. Someone asks for our help. Computers seem to have minds of their own. Flights get cancelled. People get fired. Bad news is delivered. Someone breaks up with us. Someone dies. How is it that we manage these unexpected challenges and the emotions that ensue? By being armed.

Every day I have to adapt in some way. Decision-making and the management of our personal and professional lives involves being well-armed with a diverse set of values to keep us the most positive and balanced that we can be. Some of these values may seem to be dormant at times but it’s important that they are there when we need them. If I’m blue, I think about what or who makes me happy; what or who I love. If I’m frustrated I conjure up as much patience as impatient me can do – I try to be understanding and tolerant and compassionate – especially if I’m frustrated with another person versus a situation. When I have been insulted, marginalized or offended by someone, my self-respect and confidence reminds me that my opinion of me is what matters. On days when I have bitten off more than I can chew and am overscheduled, I stay focused on being accountable to help me stay on track and not be tempted to let some responsibility slip. And when my normally optimistic outlook is anything but, I try to change gears and focus on what I am grateful for as opposed to what is going wrong.

Not everyone is armed in the same way. Some of us have bigger guns and a greater inventory of weapons in our arsenal, so to speak. We can all be better armed at times or do a better job of utilizing what is available to us. Sometimes I go looking for a “weapon” to combat something that’s going on in my life and I get distracted or give up looking too soon. Our values are incredible “weapons” that help us fight off the bad, the negative, the difficult challenges that we face in our lives. So, yes, before all else, be armed – you will find, then, that you have the ability to face and overcome whatever challenges rise up and attempt to throw you off your game. – AMB

Um…Thanks?

Do you ever say “thank you” when you don’t really mean it? Ever feel like that “compliment” someone gave you was a bit ‘back-handed’ thus not so complimentary? Or that you would have preferred anything but the gift you just opened? Expressing gratitude isn’t always easy in these situations because we often aren’t feeling very grateful but I try to remember that when someone makes a gesture that they intend to be kind, complimentary or generous then the polite thing to do is say “thank you” – even if I didn’t find the gesture particular kind, complimentary or likeable.

I was recently on the end of one of these ‘back-handed’ compliments and I have to say, I didn’t say “thank you”, I didn’t say anything. I just listened to what the person was saying and nodded, trying to convey that I was at least hearing what was being said. It wasn’t really something that called for a “thank you” it was more that this person was drawing a parallel between me and another person – a person to whom I found it not at all flattering to be compared in any capacity. It bugged me. It really bugged me. This is an extreme over-exaggeration but if someone compared me to say, Lizzie Borden, I wouldn’t immediately think that they were complimenting my skills with an axe and that I had missed my calling as a lumberjack. Nope, I’d take that to be a pretty negative comparison. So what to do in these sorts of situations? I chose to keep my mouth shut. It wasn’t awkward or odd to not say ‘thank you’ based on how this comparison was being drawn so I figured the most polite thing to do was not say what I was thinking and smile just enough to not look mad but not so much that I gave the impression I felt good about it. It did make me think, though, about how people should be more mindful of drawing those kinds of comparisons between people.

I remember once saying to a friend that he reminded me of Dennis Quaid – this was in no way intended to be an insult. At the time my opinion of Dennis Quaid was that he was nice looking, fit and a good actor - I enjoyed watching his movies. Immediately, however, a friend of this person said
“In what way? No way. He doesn’t look anything like him.” I felt horribly because he clearly thought the comparison was an insult so I thought maybe the person to whom I was making the comparison did as well. I don’t think I’ve ever made comparisons since – at least not to the person who is reminding me of someone. You just can’t be sure how that “compliment” will be taken.

Now, getting back to the comparison I didn’t like… I really let this person’s words bug me for a couple of days but then I gave myself a metaphoric slap in the forehead because I realized it was a waste of my time. I don’t think the comment was made with any ill-intent but even if it had been,
why am I letting someone’s words, even if they were not well-thought-out, bother me so much? Sticks and stones, right? I needed to let it go. And I did. Now, I’m not saying that I think we should just say “thank you” or stay silent and move on every time we feel a slight or offense or insult. We just need to weigh whether it’s worth it. In this case, to me it wasn’t worth it. I’m sure the person would have apologized and told me no offense was meant which wouldn’t have really made me feel any differently. Yet my saying something probably would have just made her feel badly. I had already felt badly – there was no need for another person to feel that way. I could shoulder it and move on without making a big deal of it.

Sometimes the compassionate thing to do is to let someone off the hook; to say “um, thanks” when you know you’re just going to put that gift in the back of the closet or sell it at your next yard sale; to keep your silence when the “compliment” someone is giving you is terribly off track or
seems to be more of an insult from your point of view; to acknowledge kindly a gesture that was made with good intentions but that failed to result in a “good” consequence. I think sometimes it’s good to just be grateful that you didn’t make a bad situation worse. -AMB

What Tells Us We're Doing Okay?

Sometimes your kids do things that let you know that you’re doing something right as a parent. I think I am like most parents when I say that I’m trying my best to be a good mom but I know there are times when I fall short – sometimes woefully short – of setting the example that I want to set. I
don’t know any mom who says “I’m a great mom”. Even those moms who make baked goods that look like their child’s favorite character or that always remember to slip a note in with their child’s lunch that says something profound or sweet or silly or those that manage to keep their voice from ever raising above the level of normal conversation – even after seeing the permanent marker mural on the hallway wall. We all hope we are great. Honestly, I would be happy to be considered “pretty good” and to know that I haven’t caused any irreparable damage that will require years of therapy to get over. My baked goods look like your run of the mill baked goods. No M&Ms or other decor to make them resemble something other than the cookie or cupcake that they are. Most of the pies I make consist of a purchased graham cracker crust, chocolate pudding and cool whip. And I’m not sure I’ve ever put a sweet, profound or silly note in my kids’ lunches. I have, however, sent scathing texts to my son reminding him to not forget something – with a very nice “thanks” or a little smiley face made with a colon and a parentheses mark at the end of said scathing reminder. Does that count?

With a 16 year old and 10 year old that’s twenty six combined years of screwing up I could have already done. I worry about this sometimes. I worry that what I’ve said or left unsaid has been wrong or unclear or misleading or will in some way result in one of them having a mug shot taken at some point. I’ve not prepared them for what to do in a mug shot scenario so that gives me another thing to worry about. Should I tell them to run their fingers through their hair to make it looked neatly combed? Should they smile so they look less guilty? Should I tell them to sit up straight? As parents we can’t possibly think of everything and we can’t worry about those things we aren’t teaching them –like tips for taking the least guilty, embarrassing-looking mug shot possible. The things we aren’t teaching we’re hoping they will never have to use and the things we are, well, we just have to hope that they are getting our intended lessons.

I have always stressed to my children that I want them to be nice people; to think about others and not just themselves; to do things that make them happy not what makes them “popular” or what they think will make others happy. Above all else I want them to be kind, compassionate, generous
and grateful. I want them to feel actual gratitude when they say “thank you”; to feel true regret when they say “I’m sorry”; to put themselves in someone else’s shoes from time to time in order to “get it”.

A week ago my son went to an amusement park with some friends as a guest of the one boy’s family. It was a birthday outing. My son, who is pretty good at basketball and who has lost enough times at those shooting games they have at amusement parks such that he has figured out how to win them,
managed to win a couple of basketballs. His friend – the one whose birthday it was – couldn’t make a shot and was very frustrated. My son gave him one of the basketballs that he had won so he wouldn’t spend all his money. This was nice but not all that selfless considering he had won two. But then he told me he gave his other one to a boy who was around 7 or 8. After the boy’s father had unsuccessfully tried to win one for his son and after trying unsuccessfully to convince the game operator to allow him to buy one for him my son stepped in and offered him the other ball he had won. The man initially refused but my son insisted and they took it – both the man and boy were very grateful. And I too was grateful. No one would have blamed my son or even noticed if he hadn’t given that ball to the boy. Some might even say that it was the wrong thing to do – that the child would have been better off learning that you don’t always get what you want – that sometimes you lose. I am hopeful, however, that what the child remembers is what a nice thing my son did; that he saw a way to make a situation better, to make a child feel good and he took the opportunity to do so. The lesson wasn’t that if you get upset someone will always fix it; the lesson was about compassion and empathy. My son had been in that boy’s shoes himself at one time. He was now in a position to do something that wasn’t done for him and he took it. It wasn’t about giving him a basketball – it was about making him happy; about not letting the boy dwell on that negative in an otherwise positive day; it was about doing what he thought was the right thing.

Every day our kids do things that remind us that they are listening or at least have learned what is expected of them. But sometimes it’s gestures like these – the kind that happen when there is no one to impress, when there is no reward other than knowing you did something good – that remind
you that someone – maybe you, maybe someone else or maybe a combination of influences – has done alright by your child. Even if I’m not the one who is behind the good that my children do sometimes, I at least know that I’ve not given them any reason to doubt they’re doing the right thing when they make these kinds of choices.

Parenting is a tough job. I’ve never doubted myself more with anything I’ve ever done or been involved in. The consequences of being a bad parent just seem to be far greater and impactful than faltering or failing at a job or in any other relationship. Even though we know that one wrong move isn’t going to cause our children to suffer for a lifetime (unless it’s a gargantuan wrong move), not knowing exactly how those wrong moves might impact them makes us worry and doubt ourselves. It’s perhaps why we make baked goods to look like Mickey Mouse – we’re hoping that’s what the kids will remember when they look back on their childhoods, not the times we yelled a little too loudly or took away more privileges than was really reasonable for that bad grade. With work we get fired if we royally screw up.But we can go out and get another job. If we royally screw up with our children, then what? So it’s good to have these reminders that we’re doing okay – to see some of that “okay” coming out of our kids and giving us that feeling that they are going to be alright. And it allows me to relax and think that I can hold off on imparting those mug shot taking tips just a little while longer. - AMB