Um…Thanks?

Do you ever say “thank you” when you don’t really mean it? Ever feel like that “compliment” someone gave you was a bit ‘back-handed’ thus not so complimentary? Or that you would have preferred anything but the gift you just opened? Expressing gratitude isn’t always easy in these situations because we often aren’t feeling very grateful but I try to remember that when someone makes a gesture that they intend to be kind, complimentary or generous then the polite thing to do is say “thank you” – even if I didn’t find the gesture particular kind, complimentary or likeable.

I was recently on the end of one of these ‘back-handed’ compliments and I have to say, I didn’t say “thank you”, I didn’t say anything. I just listened to what the person was saying and nodded, trying to convey that I was at least hearing what was being said. It wasn’t really something that called for a “thank you” it was more that this person was drawing a parallel between me and another person – a person to whom I found it not at all flattering to be compared in any capacity. It bugged me. It really bugged me. This is an extreme over-exaggeration but if someone compared me to say, Lizzie Borden, I wouldn’t immediately think that they were complimenting my skills with an axe and that I had missed my calling as a lumberjack. Nope, I’d take that to be a pretty negative comparison. So what to do in these sorts of situations? I chose to keep my mouth shut. It wasn’t awkward or odd to not say ‘thank you’ based on how this comparison was being drawn so I figured the most polite thing to do was not say what I was thinking and smile just enough to not look mad but not so much that I gave the impression I felt good about it. It did make me think, though, about how people should be more mindful of drawing those kinds of comparisons between people.

I remember once saying to a friend that he reminded me of Dennis Quaid – this was in no way intended to be an insult. At the time my opinion of Dennis Quaid was that he was nice looking, fit and a good actor - I enjoyed watching his movies. Immediately, however, a friend of this person said
“In what way? No way. He doesn’t look anything like him.” I felt horribly because he clearly thought the comparison was an insult so I thought maybe the person to whom I was making the comparison did as well. I don’t think I’ve ever made comparisons since – at least not to the person who is reminding me of someone. You just can’t be sure how that “compliment” will be taken.

Now, getting back to the comparison I didn’t like… I really let this person’s words bug me for a couple of days but then I gave myself a metaphoric slap in the forehead because I realized it was a waste of my time. I don’t think the comment was made with any ill-intent but even if it had been,
why am I letting someone’s words, even if they were not well-thought-out, bother me so much? Sticks and stones, right? I needed to let it go. And I did. Now, I’m not saying that I think we should just say “thank you” or stay silent and move on every time we feel a slight or offense or insult. We just need to weigh whether it’s worth it. In this case, to me it wasn’t worth it. I’m sure the person would have apologized and told me no offense was meant which wouldn’t have really made me feel any differently. Yet my saying something probably would have just made her feel badly. I had already felt badly – there was no need for another person to feel that way. I could shoulder it and move on without making a big deal of it.

Sometimes the compassionate thing to do is to let someone off the hook; to say “um, thanks” when you know you’re just going to put that gift in the back of the closet or sell it at your next yard sale; to keep your silence when the “compliment” someone is giving you is terribly off track or
seems to be more of an insult from your point of view; to acknowledge kindly a gesture that was made with good intentions but that failed to result in a “good” consequence. I think sometimes it’s good to just be grateful that you didn’t make a bad situation worse. -AMB