What Tells Us We're Doing Okay?

Sometimes your kids do things that let you know that you’re doing something right as a parent. I think I am like most parents when I say that I’m trying my best to be a good mom but I know there are times when I fall short – sometimes woefully short – of setting the example that I want to set. I
don’t know any mom who says “I’m a great mom”. Even those moms who make baked goods that look like their child’s favorite character or that always remember to slip a note in with their child’s lunch that says something profound or sweet or silly or those that manage to keep their voice from ever raising above the level of normal conversation – even after seeing the permanent marker mural on the hallway wall. We all hope we are great. Honestly, I would be happy to be considered “pretty good” and to know that I haven’t caused any irreparable damage that will require years of therapy to get over. My baked goods look like your run of the mill baked goods. No M&Ms or other decor to make them resemble something other than the cookie or cupcake that they are. Most of the pies I make consist of a purchased graham cracker crust, chocolate pudding and cool whip. And I’m not sure I’ve ever put a sweet, profound or silly note in my kids’ lunches. I have, however, sent scathing texts to my son reminding him to not forget something – with a very nice “thanks” or a little smiley face made with a colon and a parentheses mark at the end of said scathing reminder. Does that count?

With a 16 year old and 10 year old that’s twenty six combined years of screwing up I could have already done. I worry about this sometimes. I worry that what I’ve said or left unsaid has been wrong or unclear or misleading or will in some way result in one of them having a mug shot taken at some point. I’ve not prepared them for what to do in a mug shot scenario so that gives me another thing to worry about. Should I tell them to run their fingers through their hair to make it looked neatly combed? Should they smile so they look less guilty? Should I tell them to sit up straight? As parents we can’t possibly think of everything and we can’t worry about those things we aren’t teaching them –like tips for taking the least guilty, embarrassing-looking mug shot possible. The things we aren’t teaching we’re hoping they will never have to use and the things we are, well, we just have to hope that they are getting our intended lessons.

I have always stressed to my children that I want them to be nice people; to think about others and not just themselves; to do things that make them happy not what makes them “popular” or what they think will make others happy. Above all else I want them to be kind, compassionate, generous
and grateful. I want them to feel actual gratitude when they say “thank you”; to feel true regret when they say “I’m sorry”; to put themselves in someone else’s shoes from time to time in order to “get it”.

A week ago my son went to an amusement park with some friends as a guest of the one boy’s family. It was a birthday outing. My son, who is pretty good at basketball and who has lost enough times at those shooting games they have at amusement parks such that he has figured out how to win them,
managed to win a couple of basketballs. His friend – the one whose birthday it was – couldn’t make a shot and was very frustrated. My son gave him one of the basketballs that he had won so he wouldn’t spend all his money. This was nice but not all that selfless considering he had won two. But then he told me he gave his other one to a boy who was around 7 or 8. After the boy’s father had unsuccessfully tried to win one for his son and after trying unsuccessfully to convince the game operator to allow him to buy one for him my son stepped in and offered him the other ball he had won. The man initially refused but my son insisted and they took it – both the man and boy were very grateful. And I too was grateful. No one would have blamed my son or even noticed if he hadn’t given that ball to the boy. Some might even say that it was the wrong thing to do – that the child would have been better off learning that you don’t always get what you want – that sometimes you lose. I am hopeful, however, that what the child remembers is what a nice thing my son did; that he saw a way to make a situation better, to make a child feel good and he took the opportunity to do so. The lesson wasn’t that if you get upset someone will always fix it; the lesson was about compassion and empathy. My son had been in that boy’s shoes himself at one time. He was now in a position to do something that wasn’t done for him and he took it. It wasn’t about giving him a basketball – it was about making him happy; about not letting the boy dwell on that negative in an otherwise positive day; it was about doing what he thought was the right thing.

Every day our kids do things that remind us that they are listening or at least have learned what is expected of them. But sometimes it’s gestures like these – the kind that happen when there is no one to impress, when there is no reward other than knowing you did something good – that remind
you that someone – maybe you, maybe someone else or maybe a combination of influences – has done alright by your child. Even if I’m not the one who is behind the good that my children do sometimes, I at least know that I’ve not given them any reason to doubt they’re doing the right thing when they make these kinds of choices.

Parenting is a tough job. I’ve never doubted myself more with anything I’ve ever done or been involved in. The consequences of being a bad parent just seem to be far greater and impactful than faltering or failing at a job or in any other relationship. Even though we know that one wrong move isn’t going to cause our children to suffer for a lifetime (unless it’s a gargantuan wrong move), not knowing exactly how those wrong moves might impact them makes us worry and doubt ourselves. It’s perhaps why we make baked goods to look like Mickey Mouse – we’re hoping that’s what the kids will remember when they look back on their childhoods, not the times we yelled a little too loudly or took away more privileges than was really reasonable for that bad grade. With work we get fired if we royally screw up.But we can go out and get another job. If we royally screw up with our children, then what? So it’s good to have these reminders that we’re doing okay – to see some of that “okay” coming out of our kids and giving us that feeling that they are going to be alright. And it allows me to relax and think that I can hold off on imparting those mug shot taking tips just a little while longer. - AMB