It's a Me, Me, Me, Me World

It seems there is always something going on that reminds me of what a healthy population of self-centered and me-focused folks exist in this world – or at least in my community. Day in and day out I see examples of people looking at how any given situation affects only them. I see and overhear parents and children in schools, the grocery store, at neighborhood gatherings and more talking about how put out they were when something didn’t go their way. “Shut Up” is my least favorite phrase but boy do I feel like uttering – or even shouting – those two words when people get all me, me, me about stuff.

So as my son and I stood in a long line – one of many long lines – at local store buying school supplies with my son the day before school started I observed many frustrated people. And many me-focused people. I specifically noticed a few since they were in close proximity to us. There was the woman behind me who was very upset with how our line was feeding two cashiers. It really got under her skin that only one person at a time was at the far cashier and our line, the one feeding that cashier and another closer to us, was snaking around the corner. She kept prodding the people towards the front of the queue to just choose a line. I am not sure why this was bothering her so much – it was clear that ‘the people’had decided this was a good and fair approach. It made sense to me and the snaking line wasn’t blocking anyone from getting to any items they needed to get to. Now, I had seen this woman earlier as I was rounding the corner of an aisle jammed-packed with people yet not so jam-packed with the supplies we needed. As I stepped out of the aisle she was walking towards me – we did not collide but I did have to step quickly out of her path as she was moving at a pretty good clip. I said “excuse me” as I did so but she suddenly stopped as if I set off some sensor that caused her to halt if someone was within 12-18 inches of her. She said nothing – she just stormed off. I clearly had slowed her down and she didn’t care for it and apparently all of us in this line were doing the same thing again. She obviously wanted to “control” the feeding process trying to tell the man in front of me he should go to the next line after asking the woman in front of her why no one was going to the other cashier. As we inched forward she finally said to me “if you don’t plan to move to the next line then I’m going to go ahead and go around you to get into it.” I said nothing to her and just moved ahead – mostly so I could stop listening to her complain and discuss, with some imaginary listener, how this fair approach to checking out “just made no sense” because it was causing the line to appear longer than it really was. Look around ma’am, every line is long – every single one. For whatever reason she just didn’t like this process and she was impatient with it. It bugged her to see a checker with just one person in it and she wanted everyone around her to know about it. What did you expect coming out for school supplies the day before school started? She was buying supplies too so it wasn’t like this was her normal shopping day and she was blindsided by all us last minute shoppers. Another woman was also very obviously put out by the lines loudly telling her spouse that this is why she hated coming to this particular store – because they never had enough cashiers. Every line was open – were they supposed to construct conveyor belts and install new cash registers right then and there to handle the overflow? Again, another supply shopper who seemed to think she should have been able to whiz in and out of a store because that is what she wanted to do while failing to see anything around her other than how the situation was impacting her. I later saw both of these same women at an office supply store doing what we were doing – getting the supplies we couldn’t find at the first store. And they were looking as frustrated and impatient as they had there. Now, by and large most people rolled with the punches – literally since we were all sort of bumping into each other in these crowds but these me-focused individuals – and there were some others – really stood out. I wondered if they realized how unpleasant they appeared to others, how anyone who noticed them or interacted with them took away a negative impression of them. I also felt pity for them – that if this sort of thing got them that unhinged and bothered then how must they handle real stress – an actual serious, consequential matter. It was a crowded store with long lines. Frustrating? Sure, but how about a little perspective ladies?

I noticed lots of impatience that day. I, generally, am not a patient person so I do try to mindfully keep my impatience in check. It helped that day reminding myself that it would be busy at these stores and that if I didn’t like that, well, then I shouldn’t have allowed this school shopping procrastination to occur. Another occurrence stood out at that first store we visited. We found ourselves in a bit of a traffic jam on one very narrow aisle that allowed for only a single file of carts due to some renovation. A woman behind me grew increasingly impatient with the older lady in front of us as she decided on what yogurt she wanted. She grew even more frustrated as this same woman puzzled over the milk options. My son and I were in between the older lady and the impatient one so we were trapped, so to speak, but there seemed no point in getting upset. We needed milk so we had to go down this aisle. The older lady was not oblivious to our being there, she seemed genuinely unsure as to what she was supposed to purchase. Was this because she was not a usual shopper at this store? Was it because she was shopping for someone else? Was it because her memory wasn’t what it used to be? Who knows but she did turn to us at one point and say “I’m sorry for being so slow” at which point Miss Huffypants behind us did what she did best and let out a big huff. We said “oh no problem”. She then asked my son if he’d help her reach the milk on the top shelf. I noticed when I walked by that the milk on the top shelf had the latest expiration dates, which is probably what she was looking at. We all move at different paces and we need to be mindful of that. I don’t have to look at milk expiration dates anymore – we go through so much milk so quickly that we should just buy a cow. This older lady may live alone or with just one other person so buying the milk that will last the longest may be an important thing for her. I’m sure the lady behind me thought of nothing more than how this woman was preventing her from getting to the food she needed and keeping her in the store longer than she wanted. When you actually think about things from another person’s perspective it’s much easier to find that patience. Or if you look at that woman as someone like, oh say your own mother and think “how would I want someone to treat my mom if this was her” it really helps you be the better person in that situation. No, I wasn’t thrilled with the crowds and the chaos but I knew what I was getting myself into. I have trouble believing most of those supply shoppers were caught off-guard. There were a lot of “frantic” people out. People who had forgotten to get things, people who didn’t realize certain things were needed, people whose schedules hadn’t allowed them to get out sooner and more. Surely some were a little less civil due to their levels of stress but why not be the bigger person and let it go? As much as I wanted to reprimand Miss Huffypants or snap at the woman behind me to stop obsessing over how the cashiers were being fed by our line, I abstained.

Life is busy. Some days it’s busier than others. It would be ideal if we could go out, get what we needed and never have traffic, never get stopped by a red light, never have to slow down because of someone else and never have to wait in a line. It would be ideal if our days went along with no hiccups, no obstacles, and no crises and were filled with nothing but rainbows and unicorns. But let’s get real. No days go like that. There are always things that slow us down – even when we’ve planned things out to the last detail. Life is unpredictable. When we are so me-focused the likelihood that we will be disappointed, annoyed, frustrated and generally upset is increased significantly. Our lives aren’t lived in a bubble with everyone catering to our every need or whim so we need to learn to bend, to yield to others, to be patient and look at things from the other person’s perspective. What good was gained by any of these people I encountered the other day by their being so me-focused? Nothing. Their moods just got worse. Although I guess I did gain something. They did offer me a teachable moment – I said to my son “that’s why you don’t act like that – it’s just plain ugly behavior”. I told him to not be like those women we encountered. I told him their behavior was a reminder to be patient, to be compassionate, to not return a lack of civility in kind, to keep things in perspective. So I guess I should thank you ladies for being so unpleasant – you gave me a real-life bad example to point out to my son, an example not to follow. Thank you. How proud you must be of your accomplishment. --AMB