The Values Gals

I'm Grateful

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m up earlier today that I’d like to be – sort of a pattern lately – but it gives me a little more time to focus on this day and to focus on gratitude.

Gratitude is such a powerful value. A mere “thank you” is, at the very least, a sign of civility – it may be just an acknowledgement for a small kindness or gesture but it reminds us, when we are on the receiving end of it, that we’ve been noticed. I think we all want our efforts to be noticed and one easy way to do this is to say ‘thank you’. It reminds us that we matter or that what we did matters to someone. It’s something that makes life nicer, makes it feel a little prettier.

But a much greater power lies within our being mindfully grateful. Our lives are not happy or good or do not run smoothly simply because we want them to and we can’t always command them or make them be such. We all want happiness. We all want to have, by our own definition, a good life. And
who doesn’t want days that run smoothly, absent of too many obstacles and unexpected snafus? By focusing on those things in our lives that we are grateful for we are able to minimize the impact of those snafus on our moods; we can feel better about our lives in general; we can be happier.

I think that on any given day most people have something that is not “right” going on. I feel quite fortunate that I can say that I don’t have a whole lot of “wrong” in my life and I know that many people are not so fortunate. That is something I also try to remember – that my list of things for which I am grateful may be much longer than that of others – that the stuff in my ‘bad’ column is significantly outnumbered by what’s in my ‘good’ one. Keeping things in perspective is important. Of course it is natural and normal, for whatever reason, to hone in on the negatives in our lives. We never seem to forget our youthful indiscretions no matter how long ago they occurred. On a day full of mostly good we tend to dwell on the one or two things that didn’t go well. We aren’t often kept awake at night because our kids are doing well, we had a great night out with friends or because we aced a test or presentation. It’s where our lives fell short or the challenges we aren’t quite sure how to deal with that elicit that insomnia. It may not be possible to flush these negatives from our minds or out of our lives but we can change how much energy we give to them and letting our gratitude take center stage is one way.

My life, like that of most, has its share of ups and downs. Presently there are some downs which are easy to get mired in – but I don’t want to be mired in them and I’m trying not to be. I’m not being 100% successful in that effort but I’m doing better than I would be were I letting those negatives stay front and center all the time. One thing I’m trying to do – something I should do each and every day (although admittedly I don’t always do so) – is remind myself of just a few things I am grateful for that day; to appreciate the good of my day rather than feeling like I just want to get through it.

So today I will definitely be letting gratitude rule. There is so much in life to appreciate. I have wonderful people in my life and wonderful memories of people who are no longer with us and yet they are. That alone is enough. I feel immensely blessed, however, that I have so much more to be
thankful for. And there is still so much more that is out there that is gratitude-worthy, that is just begging to be appreciated. All it takes is for us to simply notice. Happy Thanksgiving. - AMB

love and truth

love is at the root of all that is dearest to me in my life. love has been and continues to be one of the biggest teachers throughout my years. here's what i know about love.

love is not always tied up in a pretty bow. love is truth. and truth may be uncomfortable. it may not be easy to face, but when we do, the opportunity for love to flow increases.

if our actions and intentions stem from love, we must speak the truth. otherwise we perpetuate muck.

for transformative beauty and love in life, come from your truth.

liz

What Are We Supposed to Do?

Joe Paterno says he regrets that he didn’t do more,referring to not doing anything more than telling his superiors about the alleged sexual abuse of boys by his one-time defensive coordinator, Jerry Sandusky. He said, “I did what I was supposed to do”, referring to having told his superiors. Well…what I take issue with is his feeling that what he was “supposed to do” when told about a possible child rape by one of his coaches was to tell his superiors and be done with it. What are we supposed to do when faced with something that horrible? So many people are saying that we really don’t know what we’d do if we were in that situation. Really? I do. It’s a child. I have no doubt that I wouldn’t basically be saying “well, I told my boss, it’s no longer my problem.” Seriously? Certainly there is a lot to this story, and by no means are the crimes that Sandusky committed against children Paterno’s fault, but didn’t he have an obligation to ensure that the issue was properly reported? Didn’t he have a responsibility to ensure that this man, who was bringing children onto his field and into his locker room, was not abusing them in any way? That was “his house” – shouldn’t he know what’s going on in
it, isn’t that part of his job as head coach? Shouldn’t he have been a little more hands-on? What are we really “supposed to do” in that situation? To attempt to absolve yourself of responsibility or defend your action/inaction by basically citing some University handbook or policy is absurd. Sure, legally, in the state of PA, he did all he was “supposed” to do. Not sure that would help me sleep at night.

Now, I have nothing against Joe Paterno and certainly don’t want to come across as blaming him. The real criminal is Jerry Sandusky and then there are also the people who did fail to report things to a higher authority – they are also being charged. But Paterno should have done more. Even if he wasn’t legally required to tell authorities, why wouldn’t he? Or at least find out if his superiors did? This wasn’t a case of someone stealing some sports equipment, this was the molestation or rape of a child. The former you might let someone else worry about, I’m not sure how you could avoid worrying
about the latter.

It shocks me to read how many people don’t report cases of suspected abuses against children – or anyone for that matter. I have on more than one occasion injected myself into what seemed like a precarious situation for a child, usually in an attempt to calm what I viewed as an overstressed
mother who was losing control. My saying “hey, do you need some help” has, on more than one occasion, seemed to lower the stress of the moment. Other times I think inserting myself into something that some might view as none of my business has been a reminder that someone else is watching – and that that someone else might do more than just say something – they might take down a license plate number or call the authorities. Knowing that someone else is watching may help bring about some self-control or maybe it does nothing more than delay an abuse until later but I – a person who tends to avoid interacting with other people – could not walk past these incidents – or potential incidents – without attempting to do some good for that child. That’s how I know I wouldn’t, for one second, hesitate to act upon seeing or hearing of a child in even graver danger. So yes, Paterno, in my opinion, deserves to be fired. He may have followed “the rules” but he had a tremendous values failure. It was not “right” to just adhere to the basic requirements of some policy. If he had thought for one minute about what he would have done had that been his child I bet his response and actions would have been completely different. When we look at matters so impersonally or as not our business – which so many of us do – it’s easy to not get involved or to do the bare minimum that we are “supposed to do”. But if we make it personal – if we picture that boy in the shower being sexually abused as our son or our nephew or our best friend’s child then we will likely have the answer to what we should do. Reporting it to our superiors is just one of the things we’d do not the only thing.

So while statistics show that most people would have done what Joe Paterno did were they in his position, I have difficulty accepting that. Aren’t we better than that? I would hope so. And maybe that’s all I can really do is hope. So if that’s the case then I hope I will never be in a situation where I regret that I didn’t do more. I hope that I will always act to defend the defenseless; doing what I know in my heart is the right thing. I hope that I will never be satisfied doing what I was supposed to do if it doesn’t result in proper or just actions. I hope that I will never be a party to another’s suffering by failing to act. And I hope that anyone who sees a child in danger – or even thinks they are seeing a child in danger – will do something – no, not just something – I hope that they will do everything that they can to try to ensure that child is safe and protected. Why? Because that is what I think we are supposed to do. - AMB

First, Notice. Second, Act.

I’ve written before about the importance of just noticing. That there’s so much that we miss by not noticing – so many opportunities to see something good, to make ourselves or others feel good. But there’s a lot more that can come of noticing; of being aware of our surroundings; of looking outwardly as opposed to staying so wrapped up in our little spheres of influences and focused on just ourselves or what impacts us.

I notice things and I always have a response to what I see. I don’t always share that response but often I do. If I think there is an opportunity to make someone feel good about what I’ve noticed then I share my thoughts. When I see a child helping another or know that s/he has made a good effort I
take the time to say so. It makes the child feel good and it encourages more of that behavior. And if another child overhears, well then s/he may follow the other’s example. That’s all good, right? I notice when people look happy or sad; what they are wearing; how they are carrying themselves; if they have a new hairstyle or just got a haircut. I will often comment on these things I notice with a positive, kind or caring word. I think I was taught that this was a good thing but I think having done it and getting an appreciative response is what keeps me doing it. I know I miss plenty of things as our world is full of all sorts of stimuli competing for our attention but I try to see what’s going on around me; I try to notice a lot of the details in the midst of all the busyness.

Unfortunately not everything I see is good. Some bad I see results in the shaking of my head but other times I say something or do something. When we see something that isn’t right isn’t our doing nothing, our looking the other way, an endorsement of whatever it is? I mean, if I saw someone throw trash on the ground I might be more apt to just go and pick it up as opposed to saying something to the offender for, after all, one can never be sure how another will act when confronted – no matter how nicely it is done. In that instance I can remedy the bad without risking a potential ugly exchange. But there are other times when I will speak up. For example, I rarely let bad behavior go when it’s being exhibited by a child. It might be my child, a student I teach or just someone I end up in contact with for some reason. Benign mischief aside, I think it’s kind of our duty as adults to intervene when we see a child behaving in a way that is unduly mean, unkind or unsafe. I’d rather overstep my bounds in that instance than have the offender take from my silence that his/her bad behavior is okay or have a victim feel they must accept being mistreated because if an adult wasn’t going to intervene than it must be something that isn’t that bad. Our actions or inaction speaks volumes and what is most concerning to me are the potential consequences of our inaction. If I overstep my bounds with good intentions I can profusely apologize and work to correct my mistake. But what if I fail to act and consequences ensue as a result? Bad ones that I can never remedy? Sadly this happens and it can have tragic results.

In March of 2011 a young woman was murdered by her coworker in a store. The trial is happening now in the D.C. area. Two women in a neighboring store who were put on the stand told of hearing noises that sounded violent. They heard someone asking for help; noises that sounded like yelping, screaming, grunting and groaning. The voices were of women. One was saying “don’t do this”, “talk to me”. They spoke of hitting sounds, thuds and dragging noises. Neither called 911 at any point. This, first and foremost, is just shocking. I cannot imagine hearing those things and not calling 911. Or at least I don’t think so. I am very bothered by the inaction of these two women. I know that the murder is not their fault but if I were one of them I’d probably be seeking therapy to find out why I chose not to act considering all the facts of that night.

Looking the other way or choosing not to act when we notice something has consequences. At a minimum we’ve missed an opportunity to maybe spread a little good cheer. At the most extreme worst, we’ve missed the opportunity to save a life. People don’t want to get involved when they see something happening that is suspicious or just goes against what they believe to be right. Out of fear or selfishness or something inexplicable they move on, they keep quiet, they rationalize. I’ve done my fair share of not speaking up sometimes. Why? Because how many times have we seen people trying to do the right thing end up being the bad guy? We weigh the risks of doing what we know to be right versus doing what is least messy or complicated or risky. I feel sorry for those women who heard those sounds that night. They will probably hear those sounds and the dying woman’s words for the rest of their life in their nightmares. They will have to live with knowing they didn’t make a call that might have saved someone’s life. I can’t imagine living with that ‘what if’.

It is beyond me why so many of us walk around as if we’re wearing blinders not wanting to see what a beautiful and interesting place we live in. I think maybe what it is, actually, is that people only want to see the beautiful, the interesting, the good. But since there’s no way to filter out the bad or the stuff we really don’t want to deal with we just walk with our heads down or up in the clouds. But life isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always easy. It doesn’t always (or usually ever) run according to plan. I personally think we should embrace it in all its glory – including the less glorious moments.

Our actions and our inaction have consequences. Every time we notice something – good or bad – we are presented with an opportunity to do something good. Why would anyone not want that opportunity? –AMB