I don’t consider myself an angry person or a person who is easily angered. I am impatient and I do think I am easily annoyed but I wouldn’t say that I am angry very often or that when I am I hold onto to it for long or have difficulty controlling how I behave as a result. I am glad for that. Wow, what an unproductive emotion. It’s unavoidable at times and sometimes our getting angry can result in our taking actions that result in something good…if we manage that anger properly. I recently was witness to someone’s anger, however, that was managed about as poorly as possible, which is to say, not at all, and it had quite an negative impact – not only on him but on all those who were witness to it.
No emotion “stands alone”. We don’t just feel love and give love with nothing else happening at the same time. Love begets kindness, generosity, happiness, compassion and gratitude. And we are not the only beneficiaries – those around us and to whom these values are being projected upon also
benefit. Anger, on the other hand, begets incivility, rudeness, meanness and irrationality. It can steamroll into something very ugly and very unproductive. It can damage or even sever relationships. It makes us feel bad, emotionally and often physically too and those who are on the receiving end of our anger – or just bearing witness to it – are also impacted negatively. What I witnessed gave me a terrible impression of the angry person – it made me question what type of person he might be on a good day – and if on a good day he might still operate with an angry undertone at the helm. My gut reaction to this person? Well, I determined that he was not someone worth knowing or interacting with on any level. If I saw him out in public I’d change course and head in another direction. He certainly made an impression, just not one of a positive ilk.
Something that witnessing this behavior reminded me of is that directing anger towards people is so not the way to go. No doubt we get angry at people but it’s normally an action, inaction or behavior that is at the root of our anger. Isn’t it better to talk about the issue itself? Isn’t that what is more likely to solve the problem? If someone said to me “you make me so angry” I would need to know how or why in order to correct the problem, right? I mean surely my – or anyone’s – mere existence isn’t the problem so why do we so often blame a person or a group of people when we are mad? Of course
sometimes it’s quite obvious what the problem is but in an emotionally charged situation – good or bad – most people are not thinking with a completely clear mind. Getting to the root of why an action was/was not taken is the only way to prevent it from happening again or to rectify whatever issues were the result of what was or wasn’t done.
So why is it that when we are angry we immediately look to assign blame to someone or group of someones? That really doesn’t get us anywhere. In fact, it often makes the situation worse. Knowing who a responsible party is for a mistake is, perhaps, important or necessary in the process of preventing repeated mistakes but instead of focusing on who is to blame, shouldn’t we focus more on the problem, issue, action or behavior that resulted in our anger? Isn’t that where our energy should be primarily focused?
Anger is an ugly, unproductive emotion. When you let anger lead in your communications with others or in the way you function on a day-to-day basis you are limiting yourself – and others – greatly. People will not want to interact with you, people will not want to work with or for you, people will
not feel inclined to assist you if asked or try to ease your load if they notice you could use some help. Your behavior results in a label of “angry guy” or “angry woman” and then that is who you become. People may not go out of their way to exclude you (although some will) but they certainly won’t go out of their way to include you. As Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” I don’t know about you but I don’t like being burned. -AMB
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