The Values Gals

What Are We Supposed to Do?

Joe Paterno says he regrets that he didn’t do more,referring to not doing anything more than telling his superiors about the alleged sexual abuse of boys by his one-time defensive coordinator, Jerry Sandusky. He said, “I did what I was supposed to do”, referring to having told his superiors. Well…what I take issue with is his feeling that what he was “supposed to do” when told about a possible child rape by one of his coaches was to tell his superiors and be done with it. What are we supposed to do when faced with something that horrible? So many people are saying that we really don’t know what we’d do if we were in that situation. Really? I do. It’s a child. I have no doubt that I wouldn’t basically be saying “well, I told my boss, it’s no longer my problem.” Seriously? Certainly there is a lot to this story, and by no means are the crimes that Sandusky committed against children Paterno’s fault, but didn’t he have an obligation to ensure that the issue was properly reported? Didn’t he have a responsibility to ensure that this man, who was bringing children onto his field and into his locker room, was not abusing them in any way? That was “his house” – shouldn’t he know what’s going on in
it, isn’t that part of his job as head coach? Shouldn’t he have been a little more hands-on? What are we really “supposed to do” in that situation? To attempt to absolve yourself of responsibility or defend your action/inaction by basically citing some University handbook or policy is absurd. Sure, legally, in the state of PA, he did all he was “supposed” to do. Not sure that would help me sleep at night.

Now, I have nothing against Joe Paterno and certainly don’t want to come across as blaming him. The real criminal is Jerry Sandusky and then there are also the people who did fail to report things to a higher authority – they are also being charged. But Paterno should have done more. Even if he wasn’t legally required to tell authorities, why wouldn’t he? Or at least find out if his superiors did? This wasn’t a case of someone stealing some sports equipment, this was the molestation or rape of a child. The former you might let someone else worry about, I’m not sure how you could avoid worrying
about the latter.

It shocks me to read how many people don’t report cases of suspected abuses against children – or anyone for that matter. I have on more than one occasion injected myself into what seemed like a precarious situation for a child, usually in an attempt to calm what I viewed as an overstressed
mother who was losing control. My saying “hey, do you need some help” has, on more than one occasion, seemed to lower the stress of the moment. Other times I think inserting myself into something that some might view as none of my business has been a reminder that someone else is watching – and that that someone else might do more than just say something – they might take down a license plate number or call the authorities. Knowing that someone else is watching may help bring about some self-control or maybe it does nothing more than delay an abuse until later but I – a person who tends to avoid interacting with other people – could not walk past these incidents – or potential incidents – without attempting to do some good for that child. That’s how I know I wouldn’t, for one second, hesitate to act upon seeing or hearing of a child in even graver danger. So yes, Paterno, in my opinion, deserves to be fired. He may have followed “the rules” but he had a tremendous values failure. It was not “right” to just adhere to the basic requirements of some policy. If he had thought for one minute about what he would have done had that been his child I bet his response and actions would have been completely different. When we look at matters so impersonally or as not our business – which so many of us do – it’s easy to not get involved or to do the bare minimum that we are “supposed to do”. But if we make it personal – if we picture that boy in the shower being sexually abused as our son or our nephew or our best friend’s child then we will likely have the answer to what we should do. Reporting it to our superiors is just one of the things we’d do not the only thing.

So while statistics show that most people would have done what Joe Paterno did were they in his position, I have difficulty accepting that. Aren’t we better than that? I would hope so. And maybe that’s all I can really do is hope. So if that’s the case then I hope I will never be in a situation where I regret that I didn’t do more. I hope that I will always act to defend the defenseless; doing what I know in my heart is the right thing. I hope that I will never be satisfied doing what I was supposed to do if it doesn’t result in proper or just actions. I hope that I will never be a party to another’s suffering by failing to act. And I hope that anyone who sees a child in danger – or even thinks they are seeing a child in danger – will do something – no, not just something – I hope that they will do everything that they can to try to ensure that child is safe and protected. Why? Because that is what I think we are supposed to do. - AMB

First, Notice. Second, Act.

I’ve written before about the importance of just noticing. That there’s so much that we miss by not noticing – so many opportunities to see something good, to make ourselves or others feel good. But there’s a lot more that can come of noticing; of being aware of our surroundings; of looking outwardly as opposed to staying so wrapped up in our little spheres of influences and focused on just ourselves or what impacts us.

I notice things and I always have a response to what I see. I don’t always share that response but often I do. If I think there is an opportunity to make someone feel good about what I’ve noticed then I share my thoughts. When I see a child helping another or know that s/he has made a good effort I
take the time to say so. It makes the child feel good and it encourages more of that behavior. And if another child overhears, well then s/he may follow the other’s example. That’s all good, right? I notice when people look happy or sad; what they are wearing; how they are carrying themselves; if they have a new hairstyle or just got a haircut. I will often comment on these things I notice with a positive, kind or caring word. I think I was taught that this was a good thing but I think having done it and getting an appreciative response is what keeps me doing it. I know I miss plenty of things as our world is full of all sorts of stimuli competing for our attention but I try to see what’s going on around me; I try to notice a lot of the details in the midst of all the busyness.

Unfortunately not everything I see is good. Some bad I see results in the shaking of my head but other times I say something or do something. When we see something that isn’t right isn’t our doing nothing, our looking the other way, an endorsement of whatever it is? I mean, if I saw someone throw trash on the ground I might be more apt to just go and pick it up as opposed to saying something to the offender for, after all, one can never be sure how another will act when confronted – no matter how nicely it is done. In that instance I can remedy the bad without risking a potential ugly exchange. But there are other times when I will speak up. For example, I rarely let bad behavior go when it’s being exhibited by a child. It might be my child, a student I teach or just someone I end up in contact with for some reason. Benign mischief aside, I think it’s kind of our duty as adults to intervene when we see a child behaving in a way that is unduly mean, unkind or unsafe. I’d rather overstep my bounds in that instance than have the offender take from my silence that his/her bad behavior is okay or have a victim feel they must accept being mistreated because if an adult wasn’t going to intervene than it must be something that isn’t that bad. Our actions or inaction speaks volumes and what is most concerning to me are the potential consequences of our inaction. If I overstep my bounds with good intentions I can profusely apologize and work to correct my mistake. But what if I fail to act and consequences ensue as a result? Bad ones that I can never remedy? Sadly this happens and it can have tragic results.

In March of 2011 a young woman was murdered by her coworker in a store. The trial is happening now in the D.C. area. Two women in a neighboring store who were put on the stand told of hearing noises that sounded violent. They heard someone asking for help; noises that sounded like yelping, screaming, grunting and groaning. The voices were of women. One was saying “don’t do this”, “talk to me”. They spoke of hitting sounds, thuds and dragging noises. Neither called 911 at any point. This, first and foremost, is just shocking. I cannot imagine hearing those things and not calling 911. Or at least I don’t think so. I am very bothered by the inaction of these two women. I know that the murder is not their fault but if I were one of them I’d probably be seeking therapy to find out why I chose not to act considering all the facts of that night.

Looking the other way or choosing not to act when we notice something has consequences. At a minimum we’ve missed an opportunity to maybe spread a little good cheer. At the most extreme worst, we’ve missed the opportunity to save a life. People don’t want to get involved when they see something happening that is suspicious or just goes against what they believe to be right. Out of fear or selfishness or something inexplicable they move on, they keep quiet, they rationalize. I’ve done my fair share of not speaking up sometimes. Why? Because how many times have we seen people trying to do the right thing end up being the bad guy? We weigh the risks of doing what we know to be right versus doing what is least messy or complicated or risky. I feel sorry for those women who heard those sounds that night. They will probably hear those sounds and the dying woman’s words for the rest of their life in their nightmares. They will have to live with knowing they didn’t make a call that might have saved someone’s life. I can’t imagine living with that ‘what if’.

It is beyond me why so many of us walk around as if we’re wearing blinders not wanting to see what a beautiful and interesting place we live in. I think maybe what it is, actually, is that people only want to see the beautiful, the interesting, the good. But since there’s no way to filter out the bad or the stuff we really don’t want to deal with we just walk with our heads down or up in the clouds. But life isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always easy. It doesn’t always (or usually ever) run according to plan. I personally think we should embrace it in all its glory – including the less glorious moments.

Our actions and our inaction have consequences. Every time we notice something – good or bad – we are presented with an opportunity to do something good. Why would anyone not want that opportunity? –AMB

It’s Not Us Versus Them – It’s Just Us

Significant achievements result at the hands of many. Our President is our Commander in Chief and deserves praise for his role in the achievements that occur under his watch. This is the case with every President – past, present and future. While many are praising Barack Obama since the ultimate capture and killing of Osama Bin Laden was done at his command, many are attempting to diminish the role he and his administration has played, claim that the ‘real’ credit goes to the Bush Administration or are finding a way to be critical in other ways. Anyone with a shred of common sense realizes that achievements made while a President is in office are not realized at his (or her) hands alone or are often a continuation of what began during a previous administration. Many people, sometimes actual armies of them, are integral to reaching an end goal. It saddens me that when we – The United States of America – has something to celebrate, there are people  intent on disrespecting the achievement by making it a “them versus us” type of political pissing contest – a tendency that is not limited to any one political affiliation. It is beyond me why some feel a need to ascribe credit for this latest victory to our previous administration or to vehemently remind everyone of the efforts made by that administration. Unless you’ve been under a rock for the past almost decade you are aware of the events of 9/11, who was responsible and the United States’ efforts to capture that individual and his lackeys. The Bush Administration got it started and Obama Administration has seen it through.  When we are all working towards the same end is there really a need for a scorecard, point tallying or dividing of credit?  For almost ten years countless Americans have been working and sacrificing to capture Bin Laden – I do not know nor care about their political affiliations but I do know I am grateful to them and to all of those individuals who played a role, worked tirelessly and sacrificed in many ways – some with their lives – to see this day realized. Vince Lombardi once said, “The achievements of an organization are the results of the combined effort of each individual.” Finding and killing Bin Laden is an achievement that was realized through the combined efforts of many individuals. Those individuals are of different genders, races, sexual orientations, political and religious leanings – of that I am sure.  Can’t we just be grateful for their collective achievements or must we be grateful with an asterisk?  - AMB

What values does it take to think and act objectively when working with people whose views or opinions are different from yours? Do you find it difficult to thank, honor or recognize the achievements of those whose political affiliations or other beliefs differ from yours? Why or why not? Why do you think people feel a need to ‘stake claim’ to or downplay the achievements of others?

Take Care of Your Heart

I have a heart condition. I’ve had it my whole life although I didn’t become aware of it until I was in college. It’s not something I mindfully think about on a daily basis but it is something that is always there, it’s always, at least, in the back of my mind. It, along with my low blood pressure, wreaked havoc on my life for a couple of decades but it has pretty much been a non-issue for the last ten or so years. Still, I think differently about my health as a result. It’s something that could cause me problems in the future, especially if I don’t take care of myself and remain relatively healthy on all other fronts. I can’t say having a heart condition is a good thing, per se, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a significant motivator for making healthy choices. I think that most of my choices relative to eating and exercising can be attributed to two things: 1) knowing that I have a higher risk of developing heart-related issues due to my heart condition and 2) that diabetes has left a pretty big footprint in my family history. Actually, there is one other significant reason that plays a role in the choices I make that has to do with my heart too: Love.

February is American Heart Month (although for the record I think all non-Americans should tend to their hearts as well). But it has been proclaimed American Heart Month by Congress since 1963 because heart disease is the number one cause of death in America. My grandmother – my father’s mom – died of a massive heart attack in her 60s. It was 1969 and I was just a few months old. I hear she was a wonderful woman but I only have pictures and stories. One day I will have grandchildren and I want them to know me, not from pictures or stories but from being with me. l am not sure I will be as wonderful as I am told my grandmother was – I’m hoping to attain having been at least decent – but I do hope to be around long enough for them to make their own assessment and to have their own memories of me. And part of why I live my life as I do – part of why I try to eat pretty well most of the time and exercise regularly most of the time is because I don’t want my heart failing me too soon. I don’t want to miss all that is coming and I don’t want to be missed.

I’m sure it’s no coincidence that American Heart Month falls in the same month as Valentine’s Day – a day where many give a little extra special attention to those they love. It makes sense – we’re seeing hearts everywhere we go pretty much as soon as Christmas is over so with hearts on our mind and in our line of vision so frequently, why not talk about them from a medical perspective and not just from a love perspective? For me, though, thanks to my condition, I think about my heart health a lot – not just in February. Same with love. I don’t wait until February comes along to make sure those who I love or care about know it. And I encourage everyone to do the same – on both fronts – emotionally and physically tend to your hearts all the time.

Much of the time people don’t take care of themselves until they are forced to. We don’t think about our hearts until we have some sort of scare – chest pains maybe or a minor arrhythmia. We go to the doctors and are reminded that we aren’t getting any younger and then given that stern warning to lose weight, exercise more or eat better. We tend to be reactive. We wait for the bad to happen before we make it better. The same is true with love. We expect it to sustain itself, for it to be given to us without us doing anything. Just like we take the health of our hearts for granted we take what’s required to have the greatest love experiences for granted. And we shouldn’t do either.

Our hearts are at the core of our lives – our very existence as well as all that feels wonderful so we need to take care of them – we need to make it easier for them to keep us going. It’s not easy to eat well (let’s face it, the best tasting foods are often the worst for us) or exercise regularly (more stuff creaks and aches as we get older and it’s just plain tiring – the comfy sofa is way more inviting) or lose weight (this usually combines the eating well thing and the exercise thing so doubly challenging) – but it is all beneficial to our hearts, to our overall health. I doubt anyone would dispute the benefits, it’s the taking action part that is so difficult. It’s not easy but once you decide to do something then you need to pull from your values to get it done – determination, perseverance, courage, self-respect – there are plenty of diet and exercise approaches out there that are effective but they are only effective if you put your values into the mix. That’s the key ingredient – not cabbage soup or a minimum number of carbs. If you don’t have your values as part of the recipe you will eventually fail. You cannot achieve anything without your values playing a sizeable role. Same with love, it doesn’t just come to you and stick around because you say so. We need to truly appreciate what we love – and that requires not just tending to our own hearts but those of the others too.

People can run around all day long saying “I love you” but it’s not the words that make it so. I think those words fly out of people’s mouths too easily sometimes, they are spoken out of habit or out of routine but uttering the words doesn’t make it so - it’s our actions that give those words meaning. The words, no doubt, can be meaningful but not without the actions to back them up. When I love someone or something I think it should be obvious to that person or perhaps to someone watching me do what I love. Loving is about giving but I think many look at love as receiving. They are missing the point. If something I do or who I am is the reason someone is happy, there is no better feeling. Flowers, chocolates, jewelry, cards and more are gifted in February all intended to covey someone’s love for another. I have no problem with these gestures – gifts are nice. But these gestures aren’t what does it for me – appreciated as they may be they aren’t what melts my heart. What melts my heart is when I can see how much someone cares for me when I look in their eyes, or when their mouth turns up and creates a crinkly-eyed smile at something I said or just because I’m there. The wag of my dog’s tail or how his excitement upon seeing me causes him to twist his body into the shape of a comma – that warms me inside. The sight of the ocean, a pretty morning sky, a starry, warm night, a sweet “good morning” email, a sheltering embrace, the sound of my children’s laughter – so many things keep my heart filled with love. But I have to be grateful, generous, loving, kind, compassionate and more to be loved and to get the most out of what I love. When you give or show love it comes back to you – it really does – that may sound corny but it’s true. The feeling you get from expressing love alone is wonderful so in that gesture alone you benefit but it’s even better when it is reciprocated. It results in a whole other type of heart condition – one I am most grateful for and can’t imagine living life without it.

So, this month and all the others, take care of your heart. Life is short enough - don’t give it the chance to be shorter. And love is everything - don’t let any opportunity to feel it or share it pass you by. - AMB

The Value of Watching Our Words

The shooting in Tuscon, AZ is not Sarah Palin’s fault – nor Rush Limbaugh’s nor Rachel Maddow’s nor Keith Olberman’s nor anyone else in the media or not in the media. It is Jared Lee Loughner’s fault. He pulled the trigger, he took the lives of six people and injured many more. It is a true tragedy. It is a time for many things but blaming politicians or the media and their partisan or inflammatory rhetoric is not one of those things. Among other things it could be and should be a time for reflection and/or a time for thoughtful, responsible dialogue but it is not a time to stir the already bubbling pot of political partisanship.

Often when we’ve had a scare of some sort or something shocking or tragic happens we take the time to reflect; we vow to take action. If we’ve had a health scare of some sort we vow to appreciate life more; to do the things on our “bucket lists” sooner rather than later; to eat healthier or exercise more or make sure we don’t miss our regular check-ups. Americans – people in general – exhibit astonishing amounts of sympathy and generosity in the wake of natural disasters and we vow to give more, do more, care more – and we usually do, at least in the short term. When we hear of unfair treatment of others – prejudicial behaviors or beliefs that we feel are hurtful and wrong we step up and defend those who need our advocacy – we protest, we march, we make ourselves heard. It is our right to do these things and these things are often the catalysts for change. It was certainly the right of the individuals who spoke up after this tragedy to express their feelings about how the words of certain “talking heads” may have caused or influenced this horrific crime but it was not responsible, thoughtful or even fair to make such a proclamation – at least not in the way it was done.

It is important to watch what we say – what words we use, how we say what’s on our minds – and to give careful thought to what message others may hear. Let’s face it – people often seek the opportunity to misunderstand or twist what others say if they perceive some personal or professional advantage to doing so. It’s sad but true.  One way to best ensure that what we say is not misconstrued is to think before we speak. Novel idea, eh? Yes, think before we speak and choose our words carefully. I am sure I was told this as a kid more than once as I was about to embark on a plea to do one thing or another or when I was about to express my dissatisfaction with the denial of that plea. Our words have consequences – good ones or bad ones. And once those words are “out there” you can’t take them back. You can try. You can say you didn’t mean them or apologize for them but the damage that was initially done isn’t always so easy to remedy.

There’s a famous quote that in part says “Watch your words, for they become actions.” Our words do become actions – we often do what we say we are going to do or act in a way that is consistent with what we are saying and how we are saying it. But isn’t it fair and true to say that our words can inspire others to act? Of course it is. Advertisers influence us to buy things with their words and images. Speech-writers labor over their works to help politicians win elections or to help company executives motivate their employees. Words are powerful; they are influential. Parents know this. A huge part of our job is to impress upon our children what is right, wrong, good, bad, appropriate or not.  We use words to convey what we want, to express the types of people we want our children to become, to shape their character – and we try to ensure our actions further underscore the meaning of our words. But parents aren’t the only ones who do this and redeeming and positive language and actions aren’t always what is being expressed. People use inciting or harmful language – words that call up images of violence, hatred and spitefulness – to get air time or to rile people into action. And they do this intentionally – to gain followers or to gain something – either for themselves or for a group to which they belong. Their goal may not be – and probably most often is not – to recruit or connect with a person who might not need a whole lot of prodding to commit a minor crime in the name of seeking a “greater good” or to commit a truly heinous act for the same purpose. But we need to remember, especially if we have a microphone in front of our mouths or a camera filming what we are saying, that we don’t know who is listening and for that reason it is even more important to be mindful of what we say and how we say it.

Now, I don’t want to shut anyone up – at least not in terms of taking away their right to speak. Of course there are plenty of people who I wish would shut up – but I tend to employ my freedom to walk away or simply change the channel when those particular folks come within earshot or appear on my television or radio. I do believe people should be able to speak their minds openly and freely. I just don’t think it’s necessary to use violent terms or images to make a point – well, maybe if we’re talking about war but in everyday conversation it’s not necessary. Are we so lacking in our vocabulary, our creativity or our intellect that we cannot come up with strong, poignant and influential words or metaphors that are not associated with violence? Do our “fightin’ words” have to elicit images of killing or blood or hatred or conflict? Has it become so common to use this type of language to get attention or make a point that we don’t even notice how awful what we are saying really is anymore?

I tell my children to remember that someone is always watching what they are doing and listening to what they are saying – even when they don’t know it. I ask them to remember that – to remember to conduct themselves in a way that is true to who they are, in a manner that isn’t going to get them into trouble or instill doubt in others about the type of person they are. That, in short, there are consequences when we are irresponsible with our behaviors. Often it is just us who bear the brunt of those consequences – we take a personal hit. But sometimes what we say and what we do can hurt others and it is for that reason more than anything that we should be mindful of our words and actions. It’s one thing to hurt ourselves with our behaviors but it’s quite another when someone else gets hurt as a result. No, the AZ tragedy is not anyone’s fault but the man who pulled the trigger. But how sad is it that there are people who have used words or expressed themselves in ways that could even call into question whether they may have been an influencing factor?  –AMB

What do you think responsible speech is? When you are angry, upset or emotionally charged up, do you think you express yourself in a way that is responsible? Explain.

Sure, You Can Say That But…

It amazes me that people don’t understand that the freedoms we enjoy don’t necessarily come without consequence if we exercise them without thought. Yes, I can say whatever I want whenever I want but that doesn’t mean there won’t be some negative consequence as a result. We all know this and yet many of us get very upset when the words we utter get us into hot water.

 

Recently Dr. Laura Schlessinger used a racial slur on her radio program. She used it 11 times, not just once and, seemingly, not just to make some relevant point. It was viewed as excessive and while I don’t think anyone is saying that she was intentionally being racist I think many would agree that it was an unwise choice. She has apologized, is leaving her radio program and feels that her first amendment rights are being taken from her. She is wrong. She is on a radio program with paying sponsors – it’s business. If you say things that cause people to turn off their radios you are costing businesses money – plain and simple. If saying “It’s a beautiful day outside” caused people to turn off their radios then logic tells the radio show host that you might not want to say that on air because you might upset your employer and your sponsors and then be out of a job. If you want to say “It’s a beautiful day outside” anytime you want that’s fine but you may have trouble finding someone who lets you broadcast that phrase to millions of people if it costs them listeners and therefore money. What is so hard to understand about that? Those close to veteran news reporter Helen Thomas were well aware of her opinions about Israel and the Jews but it wasn’t until she very publicly and brashly expressed those views on camera that it cost her her job. Don Imus suffered the same fate after his offensive comments about female African-American college basketball players. Other on-air personalities have been relieved of their jobs for what were deemed as overly insensitive or offensive remarks. These folks (and others) absolutely have the right to speak their minds but when doing so causes controversy or offense then those paying them have every right to pull their financial support or suggest they resign. I am not sure why anyone is surprised or thinks it’s such an outrage that these folks are being asked to step down or are losing sponsors. It’s pretty simple – if you upset or offend those who are signing your paycheck then they’ll stop signing it. It’s not news. It’s not surprising. We’ve seen how saying the wrong thing has negatively impacted some, if not ruined their careers or reputations – politicians, pageant contestants, journalists, actors, professional athletes, business men and women have all suffered by opening their mouths without thinking about how their words might be received. And what often happens next? The blame game begins. They become victims complaining about how their first amendment rights are being taken from them. Gimme a break.

 

Words can be very powerful and I believe we have a huge responsibility to understand that while we have a right to say whatever we want there can be negative consequences so let’s not be surprised when that happens. I tell my children all the time to speak up – to say what’s on their mind, to say what they want. I also teach them that sometimes it’s better to zip it. It’s a difficult lesson but one I hope will keep them from having to resign from a job in the future because they didn’t think before they spoke. One of the things I always try to impart is that there is always a way to speak respectfully and civilly – even in anger, debate or when the topic is sensitive or emotionally charged. Sometimes we are going to cause offense but hopefully it will be unintentional and hopefully we’ll be able to express our regret adequately to those we offend such that it doesn’t cost us anything. These folks who have microphones in front of them try to push the envelope and I get that – sometimes they want people to think or are trying to “shock”, they aren’t necessarily trying to offend but if they are going to walk that fine line then they have to accept the consequences when they cross it. Are we becoming too sensitive? I think we are in some cases becoming such and I think people need to stop “looking for” issues where they don’t exist. It seems we have become so concerned about hurting anyone’s feelings that we often stop ourselves from saying something we feel lest we bother anyone. We worry about being “politically correct” when it should suffice to just be polite, even if we are saying something that’s unpopular. I try not to cave to those suppression efforts. If I feel something must be said that might be unpopular or upsetting I try to say it in a way that is honest but not disrespectful. I am not afraid to speak my mind but sometimes I do recognize there is nothing positive to be gained from my doing so and I keep my mouth shut. Knowing your audience is pretty helpful too. In this day when what you say can end up on YouTube five minutes later one needs to be mindful of that fact. The way I speak to my friend at lunch about a topic might not be the same way I speak to the local news about it. Some would say that this is ridiculous but let’s face it – someone who knows me well isn’t going to analyze my words in the same way a stranger might. I use different words when I speak to 1^st graders than when I speak to 9^th graders. I articulate my thoughts differently to my 70-year-old mother than I do to my 45-year-old sister. My best friend may get a more “raw” viewpoint from me than my neighbor who I occasionally speak with. And it has everything to do with making sure I am understood properly – that my tone, choice of words and my language usage, like the use of sarcasm or certain words, is appropriate to the conversation and my understanding of my audience – meaning not offensive, confusing or anything other than doing its job which is communicate my thoughts and having them be understood as I intend. I know, for example, that were I to drop the f-bomb into a conversation about my frustration with the economy with my mother she’d be shocked and therefore miss the whole meaning of what I was trying to say because in her mind she’d be going “oh my goodness, my daughter just said the f-word”. If my father were to ask her after our conversation “so what did you and Amy talk about” she would answer “the f-word” and then she’d probably need to lie down for a while.

 

We have many freedoms in the United States but that doesn’t mean when we exercise all of them there will be no consequences. Some words are just inflammatory and while we have every right to say them we need to recognize there may be consequences when we do. People judge us – our character – based on our actions and our words. If we use language that is offensive, rude, disrespectful or irresponsible then we may be deemed to be a person who is rude, offensive and disrespectful who speaks without thinking. Why is this surprising? Or wrong? How else are we supposed to determine the character of another? We watch, we listen and we learn. When our character gets called into question as a result of our actions or our words then it should be no surprise when we take a hit. Maybe it’s something minor but it might be more costly like the loss of a friendship, job, endorsement or our entire reputation. So sure, we can say what we want anytime we want to – that is our right in this country – but don’t play the victim when you find yourself on the receiving end of something not-so-good. And sure, go ahead and cling to your first amendment rights as an explanation when you’ve upset someone or some group but that’s pretty lame if you ask me. If I find something important enough to say then I will be prepared to defend it – not by citing my first amendment rights but by explaining my words and why I chose them and I will accept, and not be surprised by, whatever consequences follow. With freedom comes responsibility and I’m pretty sick of people clinging to some freedom as an excuse for their irresponsible words or actions. Say whatever you want but don’t expect others not to open their mouths in response or close their pocketbooks, or turn off the television or radio, or stop answering your calls or responding to your emails. The freedom to speak our minds is a great freedom but knowing when to keep our mouths shut is a valuable skill and some folks just don’t know when to zip it. –AMB

 

Some think there are people or groups attempting to limit our freedom of expression; others think we have just become too sensitive or focused on being politically correct and need to “get over it” when someone says something offensive; others think that it’s a matter of values – that we should try to be respectful and civil with our language and make amends when we falter. What do you think? Do you think before you speak or choose your words carefully at times? Why or why not?

Cooperation is Key

The Nature Conservancy has been the target of criticism recently due to its relationship with British Petroleum (BP). Many view their giving BP a seat on their International Leadership Council and their acceptance of land donations as well as millions dollars in cash donations is the equivalent of making a “deal with the devil”. Others abide by the saying that one should “keep their friends close and their enemies closer”. After receiving criticism about their relationship with BP, The Nature Conservancy's Chief Executive, Mark Tercek said, "Anyone serious about doing conservation…must engage these companies, so they are not just part of the problem but so they can be part of the effort to restore this incredible ecosystem." I think I have to agree with Tercek.

 

The Nature Conservancy isn’t the first group to partner with an opposing force. I think, as a matter of fact, our Government would be much better off if the Democrats and Republicans attempted to “do the right thing” even while holding differing opinions and even differing final goals. Surely there is a way to meet in the middle on several issues – they needn’t all be black and white and split down party lines. Isn’t a half step forward for both sides better than no progress at all? This oil disaster is a true tragedy but this isn’t about the tragedy itself and how it may have been prevented or handled differently. That’s an entirely different topic. It’s more about how organizations can work together towards mutual goals. Can The Nature Conservancy prevent BP from drilling? No, but they can educate them on the impact to the environment and work with them to help minimize that impact. I don’t see any conflict of interest in BP donating to the Nature Conservancy or giving them land to preserve. Can’t an oil company also care about the environment? Sure, although perhaps not to the extent environmentalists do. And while I know this isn’t an apples-to-apples comparison, I eat meat but I do give to organizations that criticize that practice and encourage people to become vegetarians. I may give up meat one day but I have not yet. I don’t think being a vegetarian is a bad thing or something I don’t support, I am just not a vegetarian myself. I think I can be supportive of organizations who want everyone in the world to be vegetarians without being one myself. So, can’t an oil company also care about the environment while their whole reason for being is a substance that can be ruinous to it? It may seem implausible but it’s not impossible.

 

There are high profile partnerships that seem unlikely like that of The Nature Conservancy and BP Oil. They don’t seem logical to us as they seem to be in different camps. A while back The Humane Society of the United States partnered with Michael Vick after he was released from prison to help prevent people from participating in any way in dog fighting, the very crime for which he went to prison. Critics lashed out at the HSUS but the organization defended itself by noting how Vick would help them reach and influence an audience they would otherwise have difficulty reaching. And since it could do nothing but help Vick’s damaged image so it was a potential win-win. The same is true with The Conservancy-BP relationship. BP isn’t going to stop drilling for oil and The Conservancy isn’t going to stop their environmental work so why not find ways to work together to forge a win-win? Clearly no one is winning from this massive oil leak into our gulf waters but I’m certain that no one was working towards the creation of such a disaster.

 

We often hear about the partisan behavior of our politicians but in reality there is a lot of working together happening between Republicans and Democrats who are looking for a win-win for their constituents. If we heard more about those cooperative efforts it might better unite our country than divide it. They might have actual tea parties with one another rather than create movements and protests carrying that same moniker. So often we think it’s us against them – if they aren’t with us then they’re against us but that is not always true. We somehow feel this need to draw a line in the sand every time someone holds an opinion that is contrary to our own. But without cooperation we just spin our wheels. Without cooperation teams lose games, projects are delayed, meetings drag on too long, work doesn’t get done, deadlines are missed, businesses fail, friendships fall apart, marriages deteriorate. Without cooperation frustration mounts, anger sets in, people start choosing sides. Being uncooperative isn’t good for anyone.

 

Sure, sometimes we need to dig our heels in when it means sticking to our principles – our values. I don’t think we should do dishonest things to realize some personal or professional benefit or that we should act without integrity just to get to a desired end. I’m not a proponent of the Machiavellian belief that the ends justify the means. Sometimes, maybe, but not when the means have me behaving in a way that goes against my values. But I think we need to challenge ourselves more to find that common ground even when we think there is none. We need to think outside the box. I may be fundamentally opposed to the oil industry and their methods but still want to work with them. Why? Because maybe if I educate them on environmental matters they’ll work with me to change how they do some things. Because maybe we can collectively find ways to make what they do safer and less harmful to the environment (please let’s hope all oil companies are working in some capacity to realize those goals!).

 

I believe that too often we make lists that separate things into good and bad. When we do this, however, we leave no room for middle ground, no room for compromise, no room for understanding or cooperation. To be sure, there are times when we feel we just cannot bend and that is okay but when we can bend, when it’s for the greater good, shouldn’t we try to be a little more flexible, a little more cooperative? Isn’t a step forward far better than standing still or moving in reverse even if what we really want is ten steps forward?

 

As is often the case I think others say what I think so much better and, quite obviously, more succinctly:

 

It is through cooperation, rather than conflict, that your greatest successes will be derived—Ralph Charell

 

If you want to be incrementally better: Be competitive. If you want to be exponentially better: Be cooperative.—Unknown

 

It is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed.

—Napoleon Hill

 

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much. —Helen Adams Keller

 

If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas. —George Bernard Shaw

 

We should not only use the brains we have, but all that we can borrow. —Thomas Woodrow Wilson

 

I can’t say it any better than any of these folks. All I know is that as much of a lone wolf as I am, I could never do everything I need or want to do in my life or for my children if I didn’t cooperate with others from time to time. --AMB
Do you encourage cooperation at home or in the workplace? What do you think it takes to get the best out of a “team”?

Two Good Words To Start With

So, I was in a party supply store the other day and I observed a young Hispanic man with either his daughter or his much younger sister. She was about three years old. He had told her she could get three things—“tres cosas”—he said. She had a princess necklace and she was picking up other things showing him. He was looking at the prices and telling her yes or no—sí o no. My assumption at the time was that he had only so much money he could spend on these trinkets for her. She was very cute—all excited as she picked things up and looked at them. I have to admit that I lingered on that aisle because I enjoyed the scene. I eventually went on my way and when I got to the cashier to check out they were in front of me. The scene that occurred next was not so good.

 

As the cashier rang him up she handed each item to the little girl who was immediately engaged with these toys. The man then pulled out two very crumpled dollar bills from his pocket and a ton of change. He smoothed out the bills and pushed them across the counter with all of his change and said one word: please. In English. His accent told me that he likely did not know too many more words in English. It was clear to me that he wanted help counting out the money. The clerk looked at him and very rudely said “what do you want me to do?” He just repeated “please” looking at her imploringly. She then said, “You can’t count your own money?” followed by, “Don’t you speak English?”  At that point I jumped in. I said “Hey! What is wrong with you?” and proceeded to count out $1.89 in change to go with the two $1 bills to pay for his items. He looked at me and said “thank you.” I then turned to him and spoke to him in Spanish saying “I am sorry for her behavior. Most people here in the United States are friendlier than she has been.” He responded in Spanish that he has only lived here two weeks. And he thanked me again. He also looked at the clerk and said “thank you” in English before he turned to leave. She said nothing to him. After he was gone I let her have it. Right or wrong I was not letting that go. Here was how the exchange went.

 

Me:       “I cannot believe you just treated him that way.”

Clerk:    “Well people should speak English if they are going to live here.”

Me:       “How do you know he lives here? Maybe he is on vacation. In fact he has only lived here for two weeks. That is what he told me.”

Clerk:    “Well illegal immigrants…” (I interrupted before she could go on.)

Me:       “Wait a minute. How do you know he is illegal? What kind of assumption is that? I agree that if anyone moves to another country to live they should learn the language of that country but he has only been here two weeks and he said “Please” and “Thank You” which are two of the most important words someone can learn. You were unbelievably rude to him. He is a customer. You treated him completely disrespectfully. You were stereotyping him. That is wrong.”

 

There was a little more to our exchange—mostly me trying to show her that her actions were unkind and unfair on several levels—but that was the gist of it. At that point the manager of the store came up and sent the clerk to the back. She then asked me to explain what had happened. I did and she was very apologetic saying all the right things. She vowed to make it very clear to all of her staff that such treatment of anyone was inappropriate. I left the store and it bothered me for quite a while afterwards. I was bothered by the fact that I went ahead with my purchase even. It still bothers me. It was very upsetting to see someone be so unkind, so intolerant of someone who needed help. And it was all because he was Hispanic. In her mind his not being able to speak English was equated to his being an illegal immigrant. I saw the man and the little girl walking down the sidewalk towards home, I assume, as I drove out of the parking lot. I thought what a very Ugly American moment that was and wondered if his overall opinion of people in our country was impacted. I hoped that my intervention helped keep his opinion from being too negative.

 

Now I know that the issue of illegal immigration is serious. People want to come live here to live a better life and I think we can all understand that. But there are laws and I, like most others, believe anyone who wants to live here needs to follow those laws. This is best for everyone— those looking to become citizens and those who already are. I have no problem with the clerk’s views on the matter; my problem lies with the disrespect and incivility she waged against an individual going about his every day life. Her behavior alone was abhorrent but was made even worse since it was predicated on his fitting into a particular demographic. It’s one thing to judge a book by its cover and keep those thoughts to ourselves—right or wrong we all make snap judgments about people at times—but it’s quite another to be openly rude, accusatory and outright unkind to someone because they are different or they somehow strike one of your political or social nerves.

 

I know nothing about this young man other than he was a customer at a store purchasing a few trinkets that were clearly making a little girl very happy. He was attentive to this child, he was kind to her and he was polite. He may not have known much English but he said “please” and “thank you” and in that regard he’s doing a lot better with our language than many English-speakers I know. —AMB

How often do you judge others without knowing anything about them? How tolerant are you of people who come from different backgrounds than you? Have you ever been guilty of “profiling”? How do you think you’d feel if someone made a judgment about your intelligence, lifestyle, social status or another character trait of yours without knowing you personally or based upon your outward appearance? What happens when we do this?

How About a Little Accountability When it Comes to Our Health?

One of my biggest pet peeves is unaccountable people – the ones who seem to always point their finger at someone or something else when things aren’t going so well rather than step up and take responsibility for that which is, in fact, their responsibility. Lately I’ve heard a lot of complaints, excuses and venting about what can be a very touchy subject – weight. Now, we all need to vent. I do it and it can be therapeutic – a stress release – but when it crosses into self-pity or playing the victim then I lose patience and my empathy turns to annoyance.

 

No doubt there is a health crisis in our country. Too dramatic? Well, considering that almost 70% of adults 20 years of age or older are overweight or obese I’m not sure what else to call it. Add to that the 30% of Caucasian children who are overweight or obese and the nearly 50% of African American and Hispanic children who fall into that weight demographic and I’d say the word “crisis” is completely appropriate. These statistics reveal more than just how extensive weight-related health consequences might be, they also suggest one reason as to why medical care and health and life insurance policies are so costly. Our entire population is trending in an unhealthy direction and it’s no one’s fault but our own. To get back on track we have to take personal responsibility not blame McDonald’s supersize meals or school lunches or our busy schedules.

 

The weight issue is a tricky one. There is no one “right weight” for everyone and many factors play a role in why we weigh what we weigh. There is, however, a healthy weight range for everyone and it’s a fairly broad one.  Doctors can easily tell us based on our height, age, bone structure and other medical factors what a healthy weight range is. You can look it up on the Internet even. And while the Internet can’t give you a complete medical assessment, it can be a good start from a sheer numbers perspective. But let’s face it, most of us can look in the mirror and see whether we might benefit from a little weight loss or we can tell by how our clothes fit or how we feel after climbing a flight or two of stairs. We don’t need a scale or a personal trainer to tell us. And I think we’ve already established that looking around us to determine how we’re doing won’t be beneficial since close to 70% of the time we’d be seeing an overweight or obese person to use as a comparison. What we need to do is look within ourselves and at ourselves when we want to make personal improvements.

 

Now, I’m no fitness expert but I do know a little bit about maintaining a healthy weight and what it takes to lose a decent amount of it. Maintaining a healthy weight is important to me because both diabetes and obesity run in my family. Making my weight and level of physical fitness a priority will lower my odds of developing either of those conditions. I am, therefore, quite aware of how my eating and exercise habits have impacted my weight and how fit – and unfit – I have been over the years.  Twice in my life I’ve had sizeable amounts of weight to lose. After the birth of my two children I gained 55 pounds and 65 pounds. I still had 30 pounds to lose after the first baby was born and 45 after the second once all the baby/birth related weight was gone. Losing that kind of weight was quite a daunting task but I worked at it and I did it. It was particularly challenging losing the 45. I got frustrated to the point of wanting to proclaim that any more weight loss was not possible. I tried to embrace the idea of being curvier. I tried to look at buying a whole new wardrobe as an opportunity (albeit an expensive one) to try out some new styles. In the end I decided that taking the easy path wasn’t the right path – and more importantly it wasn’t what I really wanted – so I pressed on. There were days that I hated being on a diet and had no energy or desire to drag my butt downstairs to get on the treadmill but I kept myself focused on what I wanted. And, of course, losing that last fifteen pounds was doable even though I had begun to tell myself it wasn’t – I think I was just looking for an excuse in case I didn’t achieve my goal.

 

Now, I’m not writing to explain how, specifically, I lost weight or how others should go about doing so. I would, however, like to share with you what I know doesn’t work when it comes to reaching a fitness goal – whether it’s losing weight or just firming up – and that is making excuses. It’s incredibly counter-productive to blame others or some circumstance when trying to reach any goal. We cannot absolve ourselves of responsibility by making excuses but we do it all the time. Why? Are we hoping to convince ourselves that we have a reasonable justification – a good reason – for when we slip on those jeans and we can’t button them? We may tell ourselves it’s just temporary – the result of indulging in too many summer barbecues or homemade cookies maybe – and that we’ll turn it around “soon”. But then the next thing we know we’re buying new jeans and deciding “we still look pretty good” even if a few pounds heavier. We rationalize. Well, that’s a slippery slope. Soon we aren’t just a few pounds heavier, we’ve moved into overweight territory which is physically and psychologically unhealthy. We sometimes say things like “it’s not worth it” or “there’s nothing I can do” or “I’ve gotten too old” as of these are adequate reasons for giving up. I don’t know about you but I don’t ever want to have to admit to myself or others that I gave up because something became too difficult. To me that’s cowardly. It’s lame. It’s caving. It’s setting an unhealthy example for my kids, spouse, friends and others who may look to me as someone to emulate. Does that sound a bit harsh? Or maybe too brutally honest? Well perhaps so but sometimes we need brutal honesty to see reality and to keep ourselves focused. It would be easy and convenient to brush off everything one doesn’t want to hear or admit to. And do you know what that’s called? That’s called making an excuse – it’s finding a reason not to take action. If you don’t care about your weight and are happy with how you look and feel – or have happily accepted it – then I think that’s great. But if you are complaining or lamenting over your weight or how you look then it’s time to stop doing nothing; it’s time to stop making excuses and rationalizing – if you are engaging in those behaviors – it’s time to do something about it.

 

People want to lose weight for all sorts of reasons – to be healthier, to feel better about themselves, to look better, to set a good example for others they care about. The benefits of reaching a weight goal have a physical and an emotional benefit. Better health is the primary physical benefit - exerting oneself becomes easier but one’s likeliness of developing various diseases decreases significantly when you go from being overweight to being a healthy weight. Those benefits alone are worth making the effort to fall within a healthy weight zone. But the emotional and psychological benefits can be many as well – those who get themselves into the physical shape they want to be in, whatever that is, realize greater happiness, increased confidence and a higher level of self-esteem, a greater love for oneself, a reinforcement of what being accountable can result in and a new level of gratitude for life and for one’s reflection in the mirror. And it doesn’t take a gym membership or expensive food or equipment to get to where you want to be – what it takes is perseverance, courage, determination, self-respect and an ability to be honest with yourself.

 

It doesn’t matter to me if someone is thin or overweight or somewhere in between. It is not something that defines a person; it’s only a superficial facet of who they are. Without question being a healthy weight has its benefits – inside and out – and I think people should care about their physical selves. If they want to. And if they do decide to try to lose weight or get in better shape they need to remember that it takes personal accountability to get there – that it’s all on them, ultimately, to make it happen. I know it’s not easy. I know it’s not often a short term effort. I know it’s frustrating and there are setbacks. I also know it’s not impossible. You have to determine for yourself that it’s worth doing – that you really want it – and if you do then you should be able to draw upon those values within yourself to stick with it until you reach your goal. More than anything else your values are your biggest assets in any self-improvement effort.

 

A recent study revealed that the average weight of a woman today is 20 pounds greater than it was in the 1970s. A lot has happened in 30+ years so naturally there are a lot of reasons we can point to in order to explain why the average weight of a woman has increased by so much. I am quite certain, however, that there are no good excuses for it. -AMB

 

When you face a challenge that is not easy to overcome or a goal that is not easy to reach, how do you keep from sliding down the slippery slope of excuses? Do you know people who make excuses for everything that isn’t “right” in their life? What do you tell them or what do you want to tell them when they start doing that?

It Shouldn’t Matter Who You Love

Since Proposition 8 is going on trial in California today I thought I’d weigh in on the topic. Proposition 8 bans gay marriage and the state is being sued to have it overturned. When Proposition 8 passed, California added the following language to its Constitution: “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.”

Okay, I don’t understand why states or the Federal Government need to define who can be joined in marriage. As Robert Browning said, "It doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love." Seriously, what is so threatening about two men or two women being married? I couldn’t care less if you married a goat for goodness sake! And I am betting marrying a goat would work out a whole lot better for some married couples out there than what they’ve currently got going on. Now, for the record, I don’t really support the marrying of a goat mostly because the goat can’t give his/her consent or speak up for him/herself. My point is, who am I to say who can fall in love and get married when we’re talking about consenting adults? I just wanted to make that clear lest anyone try to say “see, proponents of gay marriage want us to legalize bestiality.” No. We do not. (Sadly, some actually think gay marriage is a slippery slope that will lead to the legalization of things like bestiality and incest. OMG!)
 
What I don’t understand is why there has to be this very black and white definition when it comes to marriage and the gender of the people uniting. I don’t feel threatened by the notion nor do I understand who or what would be at risk. Who or what are you trying to protect? I get having a minimum age requirement or parental permission if a child under 18 wants to get married but two consenting adults should not be banned from uniting in marriage because they are of the same sex. Is it religion and what the Bible or any other religious text says? Well there’s this thing called the separation of church and state which is supposed to prevent a law from being enacted based on a religious argument. What is it that people are afraid of? What is being threatened by allowing same-sex marriages?

One argument I’ve heard is that it’s immoral. So, loving someone else is immoral? It’s okay for me, a woman, to love my sister, my mom or my close female friends but Whoa Nelly on the love that crosses into romance and physical pleasure. Or maybe it’s just Whoa Nelly on the marrying of that woman? We’ve come so far with our acceptance and tolerance of people’s differences and uniqueness yet we draw the line at letting people who love each other get married? In my opinion that’s immoral – preventing people who love each other from making a lifelong, legal commitment. We’re saying “sure, live your life however you want and we’ll protect your rights, we’ll ensure homosexuals are treated equally under the law except for this one little area called marriage. Nope, sorry but no-can-do on that one. We can only tolerate and accept so much you know.” And by the way, who gets to decide what is “moral”? I’m betting that, depending on what your definition of moral is, there’s lots of “immoral” stuff going on out there and laws aren’t crafted to ban them all. Do we want the Government coming into our homes going “um, no ma’am, stop right there, you can’t do that to him” or “uh, sir, that’s crossing the line now, you need to back it up before you hit immoral territory”.  Is that what we want? I mean, if it’s about morality are we saying that the Government should be the morality police now? Well, I don’t think they want that. And I don’t think we need any more pots calling kettles black.

Now, aside from the immoral thing and the religious thing there are other arguments against gay marriage – here are a few and my thoughts on them: 

Marriage has traditionally been between a man and a woman.
Okay, so the “this is the way it’s always been” argument. How unoriginal and completely lame.

Marriage is for procreation.
Well then, I guess any heterosexual men or women who are sterile should be prohibited from getting married? Or people who are beyond the age of being able to procreate should not be permitted to marry?

Same-sex marriage partners do not foster the best environment for raising children.
This has been proven wrong by psychological studies which show that what matters most is whether children are loved or not. Known murderers and child molesters are allowed to marry and procreate – this may not be in the best interest of children so should they not be allowed to marry?

Marriage ensures the continuation of our species.
In a world where overpopulation is a concern, I seriously doubt we are in danger of dying out as a species. Is the fear that allowing gay marriage will somehow turn everyone gay thus no more babies will be born? Need I point out how ridiculous that is?

Churches would be forced to marry gays.
Churches would have the right to marry gays, they would not be required to. Churches and marriage officials are not forced to marry anyone now, why would that change?

Gay marriage would promote homosexuality which means it would be promoted in public schools.
What is presently taught in public schools is tolerance for different sexual orientations. That would imply that if marriage were part of the discussion then tolerance of gay marriage would be taught. Marriage itself promotes love, commitment, the sharing of common values and the joint pursuit of shared goals. The benefits of marriage can be discussed without mention of gender.

Here is what I think the real reasons are for people not supporting gay marriage:

Fear.
What are straight people afraid of - that the “gay” is going to rub off on them? Are they afraid they are going to “recruit for their team”? Both of these fears are baseless and lack any sort of common sense. Or maybe gay marriage makes them uncomfortable? Ignorance makes me uncomfortable but I recognize that ignorant people have rights too. They can even get married and possibly reproduce resulting in the births of ignorant offspring and if there oughta be a law… Seriously, fear of something is no reason in and of itself to ban it.

Lack of understanding.
It’s easier to shy away from things we don’t understand than to become educated about them. But what is there to understand? We heterosexuals understand what it is like to feel love and want to get married. We understand loving someone of the same sex even – just not in that way. Is it so hard to bridge that gap? I understand and can articulate why I might fall in love with one man but not another man or with a man and not a woman. Can a man not have the same exact reasons for falling in love with a man and not a woman? And while I am not nor have I ever been attracted to women on a sexual level that does not mean I can’t understand women feeling that way for other women. Are we that dense? Or just that close-minded? Or unwilling to even ponder the thought because it makes us so uncomfortable?

It goes against the Bible or someone’s religious beliefs.
Are we going to prevent everyone from getting married whose actions go against the Bible or someone’s religious beliefs? We live in a society that offers religious freedom – or we claim to anyway – so the use of the power of government to enforce religious opinions breaks the law. Within the context of our right to religious freedom we also have freedom from religion. No legal decision can be based upon a religious argument.

It’s unnatural.
Watch any nature shows lately? Homosexuality is not unique to humans and has been found in 450 animal species of the 1000-3000 that were observed in one study. I’m sure opponents of homosexuality might opine that animals and humans are like apples and oranges (see ‘lack of understanding’ bullet above). Or that these species are choosing to mate with same gender partners? Or that a dearth of partners of the opposite sex forced these animals to bond with same sex partners? Please. Who is to say what is natural? I’m thinking a lot of “unnatural” stuff is going on between heterosexuals. But what goes on behind closed doors between two consenting adults is no business of anyone’s but those two adults whether they are of the same gender or not.

They think gay sex is repulsive.
So don’t do it. And don’t watch it. I think yogurt is repulsive so I don’t eat it. Again, are we supposed to ban everything someone finds repulsive? Gays probably find heterosexual sex repulsive. And depending on the heterosexuals involved I might agree with them. This is a perfectly fine opinion to hold but a silly argument for prohibiting gay marriage. When I see a heterosexual couple I don’t immediately jump to imagining them having sex nor do I do the same with a homosexual couple. Gays aren’t going to be suddenly fornicating on your front lawn trying to repulse you on purpose just because they are allowed to marry. If the thought of gay sex repulses you then get control of your own mind and don’t think about it. 

I am not gay so my interest in this topic and personal beliefs don’t stem from being a part of that demographic. I am, however, completely opposed to intolerance and the unfair treatment of any group of people that is based on close-mindedness or bias. I cannot think of a single reason to prohibit gay marriage. I’m not totally up-to-date on all the laws that have been passed but it seems that the only major legal right we seem to be denying homosexuals is the right to marry and with marriage does come additional rights or benefits so it’s a pretty big denial of civil rights. I just don’t get it. I’ve tried to educate myself on the viewpoints of those who oppose it and I still don’t get it. I believe that if two consenting adults love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together then they should have the right to do so. Whether I find the notion pretty or appealing or not is irrelevant, it’s about justice and fairness and equal rights under the law.

I tend to be a proponent of anything that encourages love, kindness, compassion, fairness, intelligent thinking, tolerance, empathy and respect. And I tend to oppose that which encourages or exhibits traits of prejudice, fear, ignorance, misinformation, hatred, intolerance, insolence and injustice. It should be no surprise, then, that I support gay marriage. I mean, who in their right mind is going to say they support prejudice, fear, ignorance, misinformation, hatred, intolerance, insolence and/or injustice? Apparently a lot of people. And that is a tremendous disappointment. -AMB

Do you support Gay Marriage? Why or why not? Who decides what is “moral” for you? Do you think anyone has a right to decide that for you other than you? Why or why not?