The Values Gals

Happiness - Dogs Get It

Happiness can be found in simple things. I need look no further than my own family room or living room right now to be reminded of this. By whom? My two dogs. Making my way from my office to the kitchen just a bit ago I had to smile as I saw both of them splayed out in the warm rays of sunlight shining in through the windows. I wanted to lie down with them but they were asleep and I recall something about letting sleeping dogs lie.

I’ve shared most of my life with a dog – and at times – many dogs. I’ve had fat dogs and skinny dogs. Small dogs, medium sized dogs and one big dog (the sweetest and gentlest of the bunch). These dogs came from various sources – pet stores, breeders, rescue organizations or they literally wandered into our lives after having been lost or intentionally left to fend for themselves along the rural roads we lived along or drove every day. And the one thing I’ve learned from all of these dogs is that it doesn’t take much to make them happy; that they can find joy – even be seemingly elated – by the smallest of gestures. And in this way they are far superior to us humans.

I know, I know. Dogs are not as complex as humans. It’s not an apples to apples comparison. True. True. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t learn something from them. In fact, they can teach us about a lot of important values: happiness, loyalty,friendship, compassion, empathy and love. Not too shabby for a not-so-complex creature. But let’s stick to happiness.

What makes a dog happy? A ray of sunlight. Some food. An occasional treat. A little pat on the head or scratch behind the ears from time to time. Perhaps a soft place to rest his wiggly, waggy body at the end of the day. And if you want to make him truly joyful – go away for a little bit and then come back home. Man, it’s like getting a doggie standing ovation when you walk in the door. When I think of who has been the happiest to see me after I have been away for a while the answer is a dog. At least if I’m judging based on the outward response to my presence – in that case hands down a dog has always been the happiest to see me.

I think that in our complex lives our dogs can be reminders to us to remember that moments of happiness are all around us; that small pleasures can be found when someone walks through our door or in a blue,cloudless sky. My dogs themselves are the source of many smiles in my day – the way my Chip’s tail wags in a circle like a helicopter when he’s really excited or how Alvin comes to my office door and does his Alvin dance imploring me to let him out or give him a treat – these moments make me smile, they make me happy.

The one thing that I can say about all of the dogs I’ve lived with throughout my life is that they never once failed to show their happiness when they felt it nor exhibit their appreciation for me or for something I did. I wish I could say the same for all the humans I know. Dogs may be simple creatures but we humans would be wise to follow their lead every once and a while. -AMB

love lessons from dogs

tomorrow morning we are on our way to meet and bring home our new furry heartbeat. ernie, just transitioning from puppyhood to adolescence, is a sharpei-lab mix who popped into my inbox a couple weeks back, needing to be rescued. from his photos, his eyes clearly said he was looking for a home and a family to love. so, even though i wasn't looking for another dog yet, and wasn't sure i was ready, i also felt zoe had her paw in connecting us. so a new chapter begins.

just 3 months after zoe's death, i still wish my girl was back with us. i have learned much about our hearts in this summer of loss. but it has also been a summer rich in love. i know the chapter on zoe will never close. i know zoe will be a part of ernie's life... she's probably whispering in his ear that it's particularly great to roll down the hill at the park...and a part of every other furry love bundle we adopt throughout our lives.

welcoming ernie brings up all kinds of feelings about zoe--sad and happy--and awakens a little angst about the unknowns with him. but ernie will be ernie. and this chapter will be uniquely his and ours. i keep remembering what dog whisperer cesar millan echoes--that we don't necessarily get the dog we want, but we get the dog we need. among countless other growth areas, zoe stretched me into embracing selflessness.

my life with zoe, particularly in recent months as she required much more patience and compassion and love and gentleness, has given me an unflinching look at the value of love. it's not all flowers and candy. nothing close to that. it's messy and it takes work and it can be a struggle to be how we know we want to be. and we can be totally off base even when coming from the best of intentions.

i think the most transforming lesson i took to heart in this ongoing journey is that love is infinite. as my sister-in-law says, every pup has a special room in our heart, reserved just for them. and each new pup opens a new room we didn't know we had. it's not just pups, of course, who open new rooms in our hearts. but love is infinite. just knowing that brings me peace.

so we welcome ernie. and here's to the next chapter of love.

liz

zoe, loss and love

i lost my girl this weekend. my other heartbeat for the past 11 years and 3 months, zoe was gentle and wise and taught me worlds about love, selflessness and joy. she was a gift to my life and also, i am learning, to many other people's lives who didn't get much time with her. but that was zoe. all about sharing the joy, exuberance, the moment, her love. she was and is an irrepressible spirit.

a sudden and dramatic downturn in her health that shocked us all took hold of her thursday. i am grateful that the worst of her pain was short-lived, but i know she was in discomfort for a while. she was such a trooper and she loved us so much she gave us everything she had. she stayed strong until she could say goodbye to her dad. and then the cancer we didn't know she had took over and steamrolled her down in her last 2 days. she tried to rally with the help of her vet team, but she didn't have a chance against the virulent disease.

i am heartbroken beyond words. the emptiness in our home is overwhelming. a friend comforted me by telling me the depth of the loss and sadness i am feeling now is a testament to the connection and love zoe and i and her dad shared and still share. to not grieve her deeply would be a dishonor to our bond.

grief is a process. right now, i am lost without her. but i know our love will live on. she is family. we will treasure her for the rest of our lives. now and always, zoe, you are missed. i love you, pumpkin!

liz

How Do You Earn Trust?

Our family adopted another dog a little over a week ago. Alvin is his name and he’s a big, sweet foxhound. We got him from the same rescue group as our dog Chip. Like Chip, Alvin was a hunting dog. Unlike Chip, Alvin was clearly not treated kindly in his life prior to being rescued. Alvin is a gentle soul but he is skittish and wary of just about everything. Except other dogs. Apparently the only creatures with whom he has had good encounters were other dogs. We hope to change his mind about humans. We are working hard at gaining his trust and we are having little victories. How are we getting this result? Well, much in the same way that you build trust in humans, actually. Alvin is a discouraged dog who has been mistreated – physically and emotionally. He is greatly lacking in confidence and trust. This is incredibly sad but not surprising. When anyone is treated poorly – whether it’s physical or emotional – there is some kind of consequence. Sometimes the consequence is brief in duration, sometimes it is lasting and difficult to move past. Often the emotional wounds are the deepest and take the longest to heal. We are approaching gaining Alvin’s trust and building back his confidence in the same way that we would a person – with positive reinforcement and encouragement, consistency, kindness, compassion, respect and empathy. Seriously? Did I just say we need to empathize with a dog? Absolutely. Here is how I see it. To gain anyone’s trust – canine or human – we need to practice:

 

Positive Reinforcement. When we receive the behaviors we want we need to make it known, we need to praise the effort, the actions, the words, the behaviors that we like. With Alvin we say “good dog” and we give him affection. With people we do the same – we offer positive or encouraging words, slaps on the back, hugs or high fives. Bottom line, we make sure they know what we like so as to encourage repetition.

Consistency. We have to be consistent in our words and actions. If we are not then the dog or person has no idea what to do. If in one instance we let a dog play with a person’s shoe but then scold him the next time he does the same thing we are sending mixed messages. Dogs don’t know the difference between old shoes and new shoes, sandals or stilettos. A shoe is a shoe. It’s either okay to chew on one or not. We have to follow through on our words. If we say “no” to something we need to always say “no” and vice versa. We can’t watch a dog do something over and over and say nothing then on the tenth time say, “no, bad dog”. Our silence is acceptance in that case. It’s same with humans. You have to be consistent to get the best out of dogs – and people. They have to know what we want and we can’t keep changing those wants without cause or notice. This causes confusion, a drop in confidence or self-esteem, an inability to choose well and inevitable second-guessing and error in judgments.

Kindness. I’m not sure Alvin has seen a lot of kindness in his life. This has made him untrusting and wary of people. Acts of kindness needn’t be grandiose to make a big impact. A kind or understanding word can be incredibly effective in helping someone overcome a fear, concern or mistake. Even when we have to point out a negative there are ways to do it that are not belittling, disparaging or outright mean. Sometimes being kind is saying a bad thing in a nice way. We don’t like every behavior we see in our dogs, children, employees or players and we have to say something to get the change we want. We don’t, however, need to make a bad situation even worse.

Compassion. Everyone likes to know that someone cares. With Alvin he is getting a lot of physical affection and calming, reassuring words. We give him his space as well. We have watched his behavior and are being sensitive to his fears. In time we think these efforts won’t be needed as much but now we are sympathetic to the unknowns that have caused him to have these fears. We walk away and out of view so be can be relaxed and comfortable enough to eat or come back into the house; we shut doors and cabinets more gently as loud noises make him cower; we approach him more slowly and gently than our other dog so as not to remind him of movements he has seen in his past that resulted in pain or fear for him. We recognize that the more he knows we care the sooner he’ll go from thinking we’re okay folks to knowing so and then he can enjoy being so much more.

Respect. How people regard anyone is important. People and animals know when they are valued or not. Our actions and words show this. It can be so damaging to feel the contempt of another, to feel unimportant or unappreciated – to feel disrespected. When a child breaks a rule s/he needs to know that his/her action is unwanted, not feel that they are unwanted. It is the same with a dog. I may not like the opinions held by others, but I respect their right to hold those opinions. Respect can be a tricky thing – people are not always very mindful of being so. When we don’t like something – a person’s or animal’s behavior, the way a play was botched on the field, the tone of voice the customer service rep used with us during our inquiry – we often react in a disrespectful way because we have been upset by these things. Showing respect takes self-control at times and not letting our emotions get the best of us. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated which means I have to abstain from treating them as I sometimes want to due to something they have said or done. This holds true for dogs. I have no idea what goes on in a dog’s mind and I have to respect that there is a lack of knowledge there, an inability to truly understand and just do my best to show this creature that I respect him – whether I’m happy with what he does or not, he needs to know there is a respect I have for his being.

 Empathy. I think empathy is one of the most important values to practice. The ability to relate to someone else’s plight or situation is so beneficial when it comes to relating to those people. I can’t relate to being a dog or the mistreatment he has likely been subject to but I can relate to being mistreated and how that makes one feel. Most of us have been the target of meanness in some capacity and I know of no one who would say it made them feel good. There are many ways to mistreat another and when it happens – and depending on to what extent and what form the mistreatment takes on – we might feel angry, sad, fearful, hurt, confused, suspicious, anxious, apprehensive, disrespected or completely worthless. I need to empathize with Alvin to be able to communicate with him and treat him properly, to be able to show him and his condition the respect it deserves. I really wish people would do a better job of empathizing with others. If they did coaches might not scream at their players when they make an error or yank them out of the game as punishment; parents might not ground their children for a first offense mistake or poor grade; employers might not ream a direct report in front of others because of a disappointing oversight; residents might not make that biting remark about a neighbor’s home upkeep. We are so quick to assume the worst in others – that any misstep or shortfall is something that is intended, that it is a sign of something much bigger than it is. If we would just stop for one moment and think about what may have caused something to happen and if we could see the same thing happening to ourselves then our reaction might not be quite as severe or insensitive as it would if we just reacted without thinking or feeling. Alvin has had one accident in our house and no, I was not happy. But I didn’t scream or yell or do anything to further scare him. I told him no and got him outside then I took care of cleaning up. I do not know this dog’s past but it’s highly likely he was never kept inside a house so he had no rules about where to pee. And yes, he does need to learn that the dining room table leg is not the place for that but I don’t need to make him fear me or hate me or make him anxious in general as a result. I think about how often I have dealt with my children’s missteps or that of an employee and how many times I began those conversations with “I understand…” and what a difference it made in our communication and resolving whatever issue was at hand.

So, we will continue to work on earning Alvin’s trust and making him comfortable as part of our family. I look forward to the day when he gets there completely and I know he will. He will become all he can be because of our treating him with empathy, kindness, compassion, positive reinforcement, respect and consistency. I wish all people – parents, coaches, employers, community members, teachers and others who influence and help shape the psyches of others – would realize that this is how you get people to reach their potential not by filling them with fear, discouragement, frustration, scorn, anger and criticism. As humans, don’t we owe that to one another? --AMB

Who do you trust? What do they do or not do that makes you trust them? Why is trust important in relationships – personal or professional? How do you build or rebuild it?

The Responsible Communicator

I recently read The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. The book is written from the viewpoint of the dog – the book’s narrator and one of the main characters. I enjoyed the book very much – it’s not a book about dogs per se – before you say “What? Again with the dogs??” – it’s more about being human and just life itself.  Enzo, the dog, talks about communicating on more than one occasion. Here is one of his quotes: "So much of language is unspoken. So much of language is compromised of looks and gestures and sounds that are not words. People are ignorant of the vast complexity of their own communication." I agree with this statement 100%. We do things without thinking that impact people negatively and we miss things that people do that are sweet and kind and loving because we aren’t paying attention or we aren’t being mindful of this non-verbal communication that is going on. And while I love the English language I think words are quite inadequate at times – and unnecessary – when it comes to really ensuring someone understands what you mean or what you feel.  In fact, some of our most important, most profound communication is done without a single word. Gestures are incredibly telling. The way we touch a person, look at or smile at him can result in a stronger emotional reaction than any utterance could. But people don’t always realize what their gestures are conveying nor do those who may be on the receiving end always pick up on them. In the case of the former, it can be a bad thing – negative feelings come out in our gestures and facial expressions that make others feel badly, angry, frustrated or hurt. We may not even realize that we are doing these things or that they are being seen. And in the case of the latter it can be an outright shame if someone misses that smile or expression that conveys love, compassion or empathy. These are feel-good, relationship-reinforcing moments that most people would prefer not to miss.

 

I’m a big fan of words. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am verbose. And I just like to write or talk when I connect with someone so I tend to use more words than are needed to express myself. In a work evaluation once, my boss had one thing I needed to work on and it was leaving shorter voicemail messages. I admit, I go on and on when it’s not necessary and I really  should work on that but in my defense I do it because I want to ensure it is crystal clear what I want or how I am feeling. It is so easy to misinterpret tone or assume that the omission of one word means something more than it does. I am incredibly mindful of words and actions. I know what it’s like to feel a smile or a touch on my shoulder run right through my body. It can be an incredibly powerful gesture. It’s not always possible to say the words you want to say – for whatever reason – so I think our actions should be expressive of those positive, good feelings. Now, when it comes to negative feelings I think most of us need to do a better job of containing or repressing those emotions. That’s just a personal opinion. I’m not saying be a doormat, I’m just saying that it does no one any good for you to give me a raised hands (or a particular finger) gesture in traffic because I didn’t turn when you wanted me to. If you’re late to work I’m certain it isn’t all because I didn’t make that turn 30 seconds sooner. These particular gestures don’t bother me but some people get very upset by them and do you really want to start someone’s day off badly? I don’t.

 

I’ve thought about communication a bit this week. I’ve had some communication issues lately mostly because I wasn’t consistent – I wasn’t “the Amy” I normally am. It would be easy to place all the blame, if you will, on the other person and say that s/he should have asked what was wrong. I didn’t blame at all – at least I hope I did not. I just expressed what the deal was and suggested s/he ask the next time s/he thought my not being myself meant that s/he had done something wrong or that I was upset. But communication is a two-way street. I need to remember that when I am not consistent in my actions – when I do something out of character – that it could be perceived as my sending a message I don’t intend. If I care enough about the people with whom I communicate – and I do – then I need to take the initiative to preempt the potential misunderstanding if I’m aware of its possibility. But more than anything, however, I hope that my general consistency in words and actions with this person is spot on so that these one-off situations don’t come to define me or my feelings in any way. That s/he is aware of where they stand in my life and that even if I’m not myself, every word, gesture and action I’ve taken up to that point is what represents my feelings or my state of mind.

 

I think the way that we communicate non-verbally is so important. Minor acts of civility add to one’s day. A smile to a stranger you pass walking out of the grocery store as s/he walks in results in a return smile. A nice, albeit momentary, connection/interaction. Same with the utterances of “thank you” and “excuse me” when someone holds a door or when you pass in front of someone temporarily blocking their view. These expressions of good manners are expressions of civility and I think we sometimes underestimate their power. More importantly, however, I think that those people who we care about need to know – need to feel – that we feel that way about them all the time. Even on our bad days when we aren’t ourselves. And I think it’s my responsibility to make sure those people know, without question, what they mean to me. I can tell them, sure, but I think I need to do more. I think they need to see me smile; they need to see that look that says “you’re important” or “you are special” or “you are loved”; they need to know that when I reach out to them and physically touch them that it isn’t an empty gesture, I want them to feel that touch and know its meaning. Hugs, kisses, smiles, winks, a squeeze of a hand, a touch on a shoulder or arm can all mean a lot. No words required.

 

I like words and I like the art of communication so I’m very mindful of it. I take responsibility for it and recognize that my words – or lack of them – can make or ruin someone’s day as can my action or inaction. It was easy to say “why didn’t you ask” the other day to my friend who thought I was upset but you know, an equally fair question is “why didn’t I say anything” to let my friend know that my lack of or terse communication had nothing to do with us. Life is about relationships so I think we should do whatever we can to make them good or make them better. It’s all of our responsibilities to do so.

 

I learned of the unexpected death of an old acquaintance today – a truly nice and very likeable person – and it made me think. About a lot of things. One thing it made me think about was if all the people I cared about would accurately assess how I felt about them were the same fate to befall me. I think they would. I certainly hope they would. It reminded me that communication is so incredibly important. I want to leave no doubt in the minds of those that I care about – those that I love – exactly what they mean to me – whether I’ve said the words directly to them a million times, only a handful or maybe only just once. I would want them to know that no matter what happens – no matter how many words were left unsaid – that they were an intrinsic and essential part of my life – a life that I know would be less fulfilling were they not in it. –AMB

What kind of communicator are you? Do the people who you care most for know how you feel about them? How do you know that they do?

What Can Make Us Friendlier? Besides Dogs, That Is.

I was recently away with my family at a beach in South Carolina and we took our dog Chip with us. Our hotel was dog-friendly and the beach, at this time of year, was also dog-friendly 24 hours a day. We were glad to be able to take him along even though he did not cooperate so well when we attempted to leave him in the hotel room alone. He decided he did not like his “pack” leaving him so he whined and barked. Fortunately he was able to come along to all the places we were going so we didn’t have to leave him alone. The bad news for Chip, however, is that we likely can’t take him to any more hotels if we think we will have to leave him alone in the room. We can’t have him disturbing the other guests. But anyway…it was nice to have him along for many reasons. 

There were a lot of dogs staying at our hotel and I saw a lot of them on the beach. Yorkshire Terriers, Dachshunds, Boston Terriers, a Pointer-Dalmatian mix, Collies, mutts – lots. It was fun watching them from the balcony and also closer up. Something I noticed while there is how having a dog makes a person much more approachable than if you did not. I am certain that the number of people who spoke to us would not have even noticed us if we didn’t have our dog with us. And not all of the people who came up to visit with Chip had dogs themselves, they were just people who saw a friendly-looking or cute pup and were drawn in like a moth to a flame. What is that all about? How is it that our dogs bring out a friendly vibe in us that otherwise would remain dormant? I am sure it was odd to see our dog Chip lounging on a chaise at the pool – sort of a strange and funny scene for sure – which drew attention that a person on a chaise doesn’t draw. Maybe it was the situational whimsy that made people want to give him a pat on the head. Or maybe just seeing a dog at a hotel in general is interesting because it’s not something you see everyday. But it wasn’t just at the hotel – it was everywhere. Sure, people like dogs. I understand that completely but I wonder why we don’t offer smiles to strangers passing by like we offer when we see them with a dog? It’s certainly an immediate ice-breaker – the questions flow easily: “What kind of dog is that? What is his name? How old is he?” At first the questions are all about the dog but then the people questions start: “So where are you from? Do you have kids?  What brings you here? How long are you staying?” And so on. I had conversations that I am certain I would have never had if I had not had Chip on my arm. I mean, it’s a great thing, but it just makes me wonder what it might take to be a little friendlier to people in general. To be more open to offering a smile, a “hello, how are you” or a random compliment.

 

As I thought about it I realized that people don’t seem to know what to do when treated this way by strangers. They are so protective of themselves and so skeptical of others that they believe a friendly stranger must surely want something or be up to no good. I have, on occasion, offered a compliment to someone I’ve run into in passing and I have gotten a stunned reaction every time. I was recently in line behind a woman in a department store and I complimented her dress. She looked almost offended she was so surprised. But she was very appreciative although she did say that she would not expect someone she didn’t know to offer a compliment. I said “well, I thought it very pretty so I thought I’d say so”. There have been times people have complimented me in the same way and I find it to be a very nice gesture so why not do the same? I honestly think we should do more of that. If we see something we like we should say so. I think it goes without saying that our compliments should be respectful and appropriate given the relationship – or lack thereof – we have with someone but if doing so makes people feel good then maybe they’ll pay it forward.

 

I’m not sure what we could do differently to get that “dog effect” without the dog. A dog’s presence often seems to break down this “wall” that exists between people and makes them more easily able to connect with each other. They are that “ice-breaker” but why do we need to break the ice? Why do we so often look to the ground, off into the distance or in another direction when we are meeting and passing people in the grocery store aisles, on the sidewalk or anywhere else? Why do we frequently seek to avoid any sort of interactions with other human beings? Have we been that disappointed by so many of them that we think it’s safer or better to just “fly below the radar”? I would say that I often do feel that way. There have been enough times when a person has been unkind, ungrateful, outright rude or disrespectful to me for no apparent or “good” reason that I do tend to keep more to myself. You can’t be disappointed or let down if you keep everyone at arm’s length, right? It’s something I choose to do often I suppose because I remember those negative times and don’t want to risk having to feel the bad feelings that come with them. That’s what happens when we are treated in a not so nice way – those experiences stick with us and after a few of those experiences you start to think that this is the way people are in general. It’s that domino effect at work. A dog is something that makes those of us who are introverts (by nature or by choice) become a little more open to others or even makes us reach out to others. What would it take for us to adopt that approach sans the dog? What is it that makes us look the other way versus choose to meet another’s eye?

 

I’ve posed various questions as I’ve written that I will have to go back and ponder. I am not really sure what I’m looking for or suggesting as I write. It’s just that there is this connection – this good feeling – that happened when I interacted with the people who approached us because of our dog or who also had dogs. It was a good thing so it made me wonder how that could be replicated without that canine catalyst. I do think it lies within us – that we have the capacity to be a little friendlier with our fellow man. I think if we pulled from our values cache of civility, kindness, respect and happiness we could create better interactions with those we so often meet and pass but who we may not know. I think just a few small words can make a difference. I’m not suggesting we need to ask where people are from or hold deep conversations with everyone we come across in our daily routines but I think acknowledgements can go a long way. So perhaps we offer a “hello” to that stranger when our eyes meet; an “excuse me” when we pass in front of someone looking at the spaghetti sauce at the grocery store; a “thank you” when a door is held for us; an “I’m sorry” when we realize we are holding up a line or we inadvertently bump into someone; or “how are you today” to the clerk who is waiting on us. I find that when I give or receive this type of acknowledgement the result is always a positive. They may be brief human connections but what are we here for if not to connect with other humans? Our deepest, closest connections may be what we thrive on but those little ones can add up and make a positive impact too.

 

Dogs are pretty amazing creatures. Their mere existence causes people to express themselves in any number of positive ways. I know we humans are supposed to be the “superior beings” but sometimes I think dogs have it going on way better than we humans do and it makes me want to do better. --AMB

What would it take to make you be a little more civil, kind, gracious or friendly to others? What causes you to be less of these things and is there anything you can do about that?

 

What Really Matters

“The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.”  -- Author Unknown

 

I really like this quote. It really says more about people than it does about dogs if you think about it. There are lots of great things about dogs – too many to list if you ask me. One of the greatest things about dogs is that they are not into gossip or saying mean or ugly things about others. You don’t see a couple of, say, Labrador Retrievers on the corner whispering behind their paws to each other as the tall, sleek standard poodle walks by saying,  “Did you see her? She thinks she’s so superior! And check out that haircut! What’s up with various parts of her body being shaved and other parts looking like they were just given an at-home perm? How embarrassing!” No, dogs don’t do that. That sounds a lot more like some people I know and probably why I prefer the company of dogs to some people. Dogs seem to care and to not care about the right things. I think we humans could learn a thing or two from them.

 

Most dogs don’t seem to care about…

§            …what you wear, at what store it was purchased & whose name is on the tag.

§            …what the real color of your hair is.

§            …what you look like in the morning.

§            …how skinny or fat you are.

§            …whether your kids are ‘A’ students or just lucky to get by with passing grades.

§            …who you kissed last night.

§            …what kind of car you drive.

§            …whether you rent or own.

§            …who you know.

§            …whether you fly first class or coach.

§            …how many friends you have on Facebook.

 

Most dogs do seem to care about…

§            …feeling loved.

§            …being respected.

§            …finding the source of or further investigating something that interests them.

§            …play time.

§            …showing their loyalty.

§            …sticking to a schedule.

§            …expressing their happiness.

§            …giving a warning before they bite.

§            …cleaning their plate.

§            …following the rules.

§            …making people laugh or smile.

 

When I read, see or hear people being unkind, gossipy, inconsiderate or just plain mean or rude it really bothers me. It concerns me that on some days it truly seems like common courtesy is no longer the norm. We all seem to be out for ourselves and as part of that I see many people trying to drag others down. I don’t like this at all. And I don’t get it. We have become so me-focused that every success of another becomes, somehow, our own failing? Are we jealous? Are we insecure? Or are we just not nice? We judge and not in a nice way. We don’t seem to give people the benefit of the doubt. When someone buys a new, pricey car we call them insecure or materialistic. Why can’t they just like having a nice car? Why does it have to define their character? Same with the guy who drives the clunker – why isn’t he practical instead of cheap? Why can’t we be happy for others when they are happy? Why must we care about what others do or don’t do so much – at least when it’s not productive or positive? The old adage “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all” is a good one. I got tired of hearing that as a kid but I say it to my kids, maybe a little differently but the message is the same and it’s a good one.

 

There is nothing to be gained by anyone when we try to drag another down. The person on the receiving end feels badly and the person doing the dragging looks bad. Why can’t we just zip it? Why can’t we keep the ugly thing from coming out of our mouths? Yes, dogs have it right but we humans still need some work.
--AMB

Chip the Dog - An Eternal Optimist

Liz got me thinking about optimism with her recent posts and while walking the dog the other morning I realized that my dog Chip – and probably many dogs – are eternal optimists. He has an expectation of good things – his glass is always half-full or overflowing even.

 

On our walk he was wagging his tail every time he saw a person or we passed another dog being walked. Pulling on his leash he tried to steer me towards them. His intentions are clear – he wants to meet these people, maybe get a little attention from them and maybe a little sniff or play time with the other dogs. And not only does he want this, I think he honestly believes that everyone else wants it too. That it is a privilege to get to pat his head or participate in a little doggie fun with him. I love it! I know I am biased but I am not sure how the few people who resist giving him a pat do it when they look at his sweet, smiley face and wagging tail. He, to me, is the best salesman ever! But, whether people or other dogs give him the time of day or not, every walk he is the same Chip – waggy and happy and looking to interact. He is never discouraged by those who cross to the other side of the street when they see us approaching or the dogs that are yappy and clearly not interested in a little play time with him. Every walk is a new opportunity – for new smells, new people, new dogs, potential play and affectionate attention.

 

Chip exhibits this optimism at home too. When he is lying in one of his favorite spots and you enter the room or even pass by the room he is in, if he is awake enough to be aware of your presence he turns his body just so to reveal a bit of his tummy, again clearly expecting you’ll give him a bit of a rub before you fetch that second cup of coffee or move onto whatever it is you’re doing. He doesn’t always get that tummy rub but he offers the tummy every time, never giving up on getting it.

 

And then there is meal time – his and ours. He’s there waiting for something to drop or be given to him. When nothing is provided, he still waits until you leave the room before he gives up, eventually realizing that with no one actually in the kitchen no food can be provided. He’ll then move onto another room, often finding you to offer up his head for a little pat or to gently paw at you to make his desire for attention clear as he sits at your feet. There is no grudge held for us not dropping some tasty dinner morsel onto the floor for him, he just moves on to whatever may be next.

 

But if you want to see real optimism in action, leave your dog at home for a bit and then watch his reaction when you get home. If we just go out into the garage for a few minutes and give him the illusion of our being gone, when we return we’re rock stars as far as Chip is concerned! He is so happy to see us I can practically see the many greetings – hello, I’m so glad you’re home, I missed you, tell me about your day, how have you been, give me a hug – flying off his tail in little animated words with exclamation points! His speckled behind is all wiggly, his ears are back and his black mouth looks like a big grin. Clearly whatever he is expecting from us it’s good. He is not a dog that is expecting to be ignored, mistreated or marginalized – he is expecting good things. He is optimistic.

 

I wish people had just half of Chip’s optimism. I’m not a pessimist by nature but I’m not always finding the silver lining in that dark, imposing cloud. Admittedly, I do let past history and experiences jade me a bit and I think most people or a lot of people do the same. While Chip expects every passer-by to be friendly and worthy of a hello, many of us have much lower expectations of strangers or people we meet in passing. With every new day, every new walk, Chip sees opportunity. Many people wake up dreading the day ahead or wanting it to be over not long after it has started. When we’re a little late getting home and Chip’s dinner is delayed, we don’t walk in the door to find him tapping his foot in the kitchen pointing to his imaginary watch on his doggie wrist all scornful and put-out. People arriving home late from work or wherever may, however, find a person in their household doing such a thing.

 

Some people would tell me that dogs are just too loyal and too dumb to know any better. I think they are wrong. Of course our lives are much more complex and complicated that that of a dog but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn a thing of two from them – I know we can – and optimism is one of those things. One of the best ways to learn is by example and, to be honest, I have, on occasion, found that dogs are way better teachers than actual humans in this regard. - AMB

 

Who do you know that is a good example of optimism? What would it take for you to look at your life in a more positive light, even when things aren’t so rosy?

The Consequences of Neighborhood Incivility

My spouse had an unexpected and unfortunate exchange with someone who lives in a neighboring community. It was a chance encounter and something that, fortunately, we view as uncharacteristic otherwise we wouldn’t be too thrilled about where we’ve chosen to live. It seems worth writing about because perhaps those of you reading will see how the situation could have been handled in a more civil manner and that it may make you think twice before letting your bad day, your dislike of dogs or whatever is going on in your life, cause you to behave in a less than kind or civil manner. Perhaps folks will see how their words and actions can negatively impact others and will not want to be like the person in this encounter.

 

My family lives in a community of 24 homes. This small enclave of homes is smack dab in the middle of a much larger community of hundreds of homes. Our little community was built 20+ years after the larger one on a tract of land that sat undeveloped all that time. When we all moved in we were grateful to the larger community surrounding us for welcoming us and “adopting” us as part of their own. I think our interactions with all those we’ve come in contact with over the past almost ten years have been pretty positive or at worst neutral or uneventful. Recently, however, a rude person put a bit of a sour taste in our mouths. One incident is not the end of the world but it was bothersome enough that it put doubt into our minds as to whether others in the community may be just as unfriendly and might tend to be just as impolite – an unfortunate, but not uncommon, consequence of such an encounter. Here is what transpired.

 

My husband was out walking our dog that we’ve had not quite two weeks. He loves to take walks, loves other dogs and loves people. That’s all good but it can make for long walks as he wants to greet every person and every animal he sees. Many people and dogs also want to greet him. While we are “dog people” we remain quite mindful that not everyone loves or even likes dogs. We don’t just let him run up to other dogs or people we don’t know and “say hello” without asking if they are okay with it first. We try to do what most dog walkers we see do - keep the dog on the sidewalk, clean up after him, and don’t let him wander far into people’s yards. We do our best to curb him. He’s curious, yes, he likes to sniff and if he’s not ready to leave some spot because it has a good smell or if he’s a little tired he may hang out a while in that one place.

 

So, this particular evening the dog was being a little stubborn, standing in the street, not wanting to move on. A man came out of his home and asked my husband if there was anything wrong or if he needed help. On the surface that sounded like a kind offer; that he was someone who was concerned and maybe looking to assist a person in need. My husband responded that he did not, that the dog was just being stubborn. At that point our dog, who can’t distinguish between the dog-friendly and the dog-unfriendly or kind folks versus rude ones, wanted to say hello so he walked towards the man into his yard. My husband asked if it was okay if the dog said hello. The man’s response? “Do me a favor and get your dog off my lawn.” in a confrontational manner. The “or else” was clearly implied with his tone and body language. Now, did the man think my husband to be a solicitor? Someone staking out the neighborhood for a band of thieves? Did he feel uncomfortable with his lingering in the street? Was he afraid or did he feel threatened? Maybe he felt all or some of these things but here’s how the conversation could have gone:

 

Impolite man:   Do you need help?
My husband:     No, my dog is just being stubborn.

Impolite man:   Do you live around here?
My husband:     Yes, we live in the neighborhood just down the street.

Impolite man:    I haven’t seen you walking your dog around here.

My husband:     Oh, well we just adopted him less than two weeks ago.

Impolite man:   Well, I’m not really a dog person and I do care about my lawn so if you wouldn’t mind, please don’t allow him to wander into my yard.

My husband:     Sure. I understand.

Impolite man:   Thanks.

 

Instead he chose to be uncivil and un-neighborly. There’s no law against that but it’s certainly not pleasant. I am not sure if he is just an ill-mannered sort or if his fear, concern, bad mood or something else going on in his life made him react that way but it was an unnecessary and rude reaction. When we let negatives in our life drive our behavior or use our challenges as excuses to behave badly it rarely, if ever, ends up resulting in any sort of positive. Is it all that hard to be civil to our neighbors? Is it that difficult to deal with people in a kind manner and yet still get your point across in no uncertain terms? I know it’s way easier to be blunt, rude and short with people. It takes much less effort to speak before you think but aren’t the benefits of thinking your words through before you say them worth it? If nothing else, do you really want to be viewed as the rude guy? The jerk? Or worse?

 

Impolite Man (and I’m being polite referring to him in this way) ruined my husband’s evening and put a damper on the evening of the three other people he lives with. Because I am actually in the business of values reinforcement I know the domino effect that can occur with this kind of behavior. It’s not rocket science – you’re nice to someone, they’re nice in return. You’re not so nice, you cause negative feelings. In either case they can emanate out from that one incident. I don’t want to live in a neighborhood of Impolite Man types. I tried to find some good in this story and here’s what I came up with: I am grateful Impolite Man doesn’t live next door to us or even in our block.

 

If I were not a nice person or if I was willing to let anger take hold of me, I’d share Impolite Man’s address with the community and encourage all dog walkers to pay him a visit but that would be unkind and would just perpetuate the uncivil behavior that he showed to us. But I kinda, sorta want to. And there’s my point. When we treat others poorly it’s a natural reaction to want to do the same in return. And some people would do just that. They’d be rude to him. They’d take their dog back and encourage it to take care of business on his lawn or leave their doggie waste bag for him to remove. They’d retaliate somehow. We won’t do any of those things. We won’t even walk our dog down his way anymore. I am sure Impolite Man would see this as a victory and it would be if being rude and alienating people is a victory. That, however, in my book makes him a pretty big loser. - AMB

 

If you were this man, how would you have handled the situation? Do you think it’s necessary to be rude to get what you want out of people or find it difficult to be civil to others, even in challenging times? Why?

 

Who Did You Make Happy Today?

We adopted a new dog this past weekend. Chip came home with us on Saturday and has been the cause of much happiness ever since; something that was definitely needed after the loss of our last, wonderful dog. I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness as a result and thought I’d share a little about how Chip has made me happy in the short time he has been with us:

 

§       He greets me with a waggy tail and sweet face when I come into the room or into the house.

§       He plays like a crazy puppy with the stuffed toys I bought him, making me laugh at his exuberant interest in having fun.

§       He sticks to me like Velcro sometimes as I move from room to room making me feel like I’m far too interesting and important for him to leave.

§       He leaps up on the sofa and the bed like he owns them – he is completely at home already.

§       He finds the sunny spot on the floor and basks in it like it’s the best gift he has ever received.

§       He howls low and soulfully when he hears a siren like he’s answering its call.

§       He looks at me with the sweetest face almost as if he’s trying to convey his gratitude for giving him a home. (Of course he looks at everyone this way – even the vet!)

 

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me well that I love dogs. I let them get inside me, there is no wall when it comes to them; something I do not so readily offer to humans. They are sincere, loyal, loving beings that, once they’ve gotten into my heart, they’re there forever. They make me happy and as a result I want to make them happy. The same is true when it comes to people. There are people who make me happy who I want to make happy in return. I’ve written about happiness before – it’s an important value to me. It is such a great, positive value that it’s worth reflecting on frequently how we make others happy and how they make us happy in return. Reflection is a good thing – it reminds us of the little things that help us make it through that day, that enhance our lives. Here are few things that humans have done recently to make me happy:

 

§       They’ve sent me text messages to check in on me.

§       They’ve told me I’m beautiful when I felt messy, sweaty and not-so-pretty at the time.

§       They’ve expressed a sincere gratitude for something I said or did.

§       They made me laugh.

§       They offered to help with a challenge or showed support during a tough time.

§       They’ve been sweet and selfless.

§       They’ve complimented me.

§       They’ve shared something with me.

§       They held my hand.

§       They smiled at me.

§       They called me just to say hi.

§       They gave me a look that conveyed more than words ever could.

 

We often think our lives are all about the big things but so very often it’s the little things that make the biggest and most lasting impact on us. When you know that something is important to another person, take the time to ask about it, or compliment them on it. When you feel something about someone – something good – tell them, show them, convey it in no uncertain terms however you can. Say thank you. Give a hug. Smile. Laugh. If you like someone’s outfit, tell them. If someone is having a bad day, say you’re sorry or ask if you can help. Make the effort, it is so worth it.

 

I know I made Chip happy today by petting him a lot, talking to him in silly dog talk, giving him a treat or two, letting him out to run around the yard and tossing his toys to him so he could romp around crazily in the family room. I think I made my daughter happy this morning by telling her how nice she looked after she was talking about how much time she put into choosing her outfit and hair band (such a girl!). I hope I make other people in my life happy by their simply knowing how I feel about them; that they are important to me; that their just being in my life makes me very happy. And I hope that my being in someone else’s life is something that makes that someone else happy too. - AMB

 

Who makes you happy? How do they do it? Who do you make happy? How do you know?