The Values Gals

It's a Me, Me, Me, Me World

It seems there is always something going on that reminds me of what a healthy population of self-centered and me-focused folks exist in this world – or at least in my community. Day in and day out I see examples of people looking at how any given situation affects only them. I see and overhear parents and children in schools, the grocery store, at neighborhood gatherings and more talking about how put out they were when something didn’t go their way. “Shut Up” is my least favorite phrase but boy do I feel like uttering – or even shouting – those two words when people get all me, me, me about stuff.

So as my son and I stood in a long line – one of many long lines – at local store buying school supplies with my son the day before school started I observed many frustrated people. And many me-focused people. I specifically noticed a few since they were in close proximity to us. There was the woman behind me who was very upset with how our line was feeding two cashiers. It really got under her skin that only one person at a time was at the far cashier and our line, the one feeding that cashier and another closer to us, was snaking around the corner. She kept prodding the people towards the front of the queue to just choose a line. I am not sure why this was bothering her so much – it was clear that ‘the people’had decided this was a good and fair approach. It made sense to me and the snaking line wasn’t blocking anyone from getting to any items they needed to get to. Now, I had seen this woman earlier as I was rounding the corner of an aisle jammed-packed with people yet not so jam-packed with the supplies we needed. As I stepped out of the aisle she was walking towards me – we did not collide but I did have to step quickly out of her path as she was moving at a pretty good clip. I said “excuse me” as I did so but she suddenly stopped as if I set off some sensor that caused her to halt if someone was within 12-18 inches of her. She said nothing – she just stormed off. I clearly had slowed her down and she didn’t care for it and apparently all of us in this line were doing the same thing again. She obviously wanted to “control” the feeding process trying to tell the man in front of me he should go to the next line after asking the woman in front of her why no one was going to the other cashier. As we inched forward she finally said to me “if you don’t plan to move to the next line then I’m going to go ahead and go around you to get into it.” I said nothing to her and just moved ahead – mostly so I could stop listening to her complain and discuss, with some imaginary listener, how this fair approach to checking out “just made no sense” because it was causing the line to appear longer than it really was. Look around ma’am, every line is long – every single one. For whatever reason she just didn’t like this process and she was impatient with it. It bugged her to see a checker with just one person in it and she wanted everyone around her to know about it. What did you expect coming out for school supplies the day before school started? She was buying supplies too so it wasn’t like this was her normal shopping day and she was blindsided by all us last minute shoppers. Another woman was also very obviously put out by the lines loudly telling her spouse that this is why she hated coming to this particular store – because they never had enough cashiers. Every line was open – were they supposed to construct conveyor belts and install new cash registers right then and there to handle the overflow? Again, another supply shopper who seemed to think she should have been able to whiz in and out of a store because that is what she wanted to do while failing to see anything around her other than how the situation was impacting her. I later saw both of these same women at an office supply store doing what we were doing – getting the supplies we couldn’t find at the first store. And they were looking as frustrated and impatient as they had there. Now, by and large most people rolled with the punches – literally since we were all sort of bumping into each other in these crowds but these me-focused individuals – and there were some others – really stood out. I wondered if they realized how unpleasant they appeared to others, how anyone who noticed them or interacted with them took away a negative impression of them. I also felt pity for them – that if this sort of thing got them that unhinged and bothered then how must they handle real stress – an actual serious, consequential matter. It was a crowded store with long lines. Frustrating? Sure, but how about a little perspective ladies?

I noticed lots of impatience that day. I, generally, am not a patient person so I do try to mindfully keep my impatience in check. It helped that day reminding myself that it would be busy at these stores and that if I didn’t like that, well, then I shouldn’t have allowed this school shopping procrastination to occur. Another occurrence stood out at that first store we visited. We found ourselves in a bit of a traffic jam on one very narrow aisle that allowed for only a single file of carts due to some renovation. A woman behind me grew increasingly impatient with the older lady in front of us as she decided on what yogurt she wanted. She grew even more frustrated as this same woman puzzled over the milk options. My son and I were in between the older lady and the impatient one so we were trapped, so to speak, but there seemed no point in getting upset. We needed milk so we had to go down this aisle. The older lady was not oblivious to our being there, she seemed genuinely unsure as to what she was supposed to purchase. Was this because she was not a usual shopper at this store? Was it because she was shopping for someone else? Was it because her memory wasn’t what it used to be? Who knows but she did turn to us at one point and say “I’m sorry for being so slow” at which point Miss Huffypants behind us did what she did best and let out a big huff. We said “oh no problem”. She then asked my son if he’d help her reach the milk on the top shelf. I noticed when I walked by that the milk on the top shelf had the latest expiration dates, which is probably what she was looking at. We all move at different paces and we need to be mindful of that. I don’t have to look at milk expiration dates anymore – we go through so much milk so quickly that we should just buy a cow. This older lady may live alone or with just one other person so buying the milk that will last the longest may be an important thing for her. I’m sure the lady behind me thought of nothing more than how this woman was preventing her from getting to the food she needed and keeping her in the store longer than she wanted. When you actually think about things from another person’s perspective it’s much easier to find that patience. Or if you look at that woman as someone like, oh say your own mother and think “how would I want someone to treat my mom if this was her” it really helps you be the better person in that situation. No, I wasn’t thrilled with the crowds and the chaos but I knew what I was getting myself into. I have trouble believing most of those supply shoppers were caught off-guard. There were a lot of “frantic” people out. People who had forgotten to get things, people who didn’t realize certain things were needed, people whose schedules hadn’t allowed them to get out sooner and more. Surely some were a little less civil due to their levels of stress but why not be the bigger person and let it go? As much as I wanted to reprimand Miss Huffypants or snap at the woman behind me to stop obsessing over how the cashiers were being fed by our line, I abstained.

Life is busy. Some days it’s busier than others. It would be ideal if we could go out, get what we needed and never have traffic, never get stopped by a red light, never have to slow down because of someone else and never have to wait in a line. It would be ideal if our days went along with no hiccups, no obstacles, and no crises and were filled with nothing but rainbows and unicorns. But let’s get real. No days go like that. There are always things that slow us down – even when we’ve planned things out to the last detail. Life is unpredictable. When we are so me-focused the likelihood that we will be disappointed, annoyed, frustrated and generally upset is increased significantly. Our lives aren’t lived in a bubble with everyone catering to our every need or whim so we need to learn to bend, to yield to others, to be patient and look at things from the other person’s perspective. What good was gained by any of these people I encountered the other day by their being so me-focused? Nothing. Their moods just got worse. Although I guess I did gain something. They did offer me a teachable moment – I said to my son “that’s why you don’t act like that – it’s just plain ugly behavior”. I told him to not be like those women we encountered. I told him their behavior was a reminder to be patient, to be compassionate, to not return a lack of civility in kind, to keep things in perspective. So I guess I should thank you ladies for being so unpleasant – you gave me a real-life bad example to point out to my son, an example not to follow. Thank you. How proud you must be of your accomplishment. --AMB

What Tells Us We're Doing Okay?

Sometimes your kids do things that let you know that you’re doing something right as a parent. I think I am like most parents when I say that I’m trying my best to be a good mom but I know there are times when I fall short – sometimes woefully short – of setting the example that I want to set. I
don’t know any mom who says “I’m a great mom”. Even those moms who make baked goods that look like their child’s favorite character or that always remember to slip a note in with their child’s lunch that says something profound or sweet or silly or those that manage to keep their voice from ever raising above the level of normal conversation – even after seeing the permanent marker mural on the hallway wall. We all hope we are great. Honestly, I would be happy to be considered “pretty good” and to know that I haven’t caused any irreparable damage that will require years of therapy to get over. My baked goods look like your run of the mill baked goods. No M&Ms or other decor to make them resemble something other than the cookie or cupcake that they are. Most of the pies I make consist of a purchased graham cracker crust, chocolate pudding and cool whip. And I’m not sure I’ve ever put a sweet, profound or silly note in my kids’ lunches. I have, however, sent scathing texts to my son reminding him to not forget something – with a very nice “thanks” or a little smiley face made with a colon and a parentheses mark at the end of said scathing reminder. Does that count?

With a 16 year old and 10 year old that’s twenty six combined years of screwing up I could have already done. I worry about this sometimes. I worry that what I’ve said or left unsaid has been wrong or unclear or misleading or will in some way result in one of them having a mug shot taken at some point. I’ve not prepared them for what to do in a mug shot scenario so that gives me another thing to worry about. Should I tell them to run their fingers through their hair to make it looked neatly combed? Should they smile so they look less guilty? Should I tell them to sit up straight? As parents we can’t possibly think of everything and we can’t worry about those things we aren’t teaching them –like tips for taking the least guilty, embarrassing-looking mug shot possible. The things we aren’t teaching we’re hoping they will never have to use and the things we are, well, we just have to hope that they are getting our intended lessons.

I have always stressed to my children that I want them to be nice people; to think about others and not just themselves; to do things that make them happy not what makes them “popular” or what they think will make others happy. Above all else I want them to be kind, compassionate, generous
and grateful. I want them to feel actual gratitude when they say “thank you”; to feel true regret when they say “I’m sorry”; to put themselves in someone else’s shoes from time to time in order to “get it”.

A week ago my son went to an amusement park with some friends as a guest of the one boy’s family. It was a birthday outing. My son, who is pretty good at basketball and who has lost enough times at those shooting games they have at amusement parks such that he has figured out how to win them,
managed to win a couple of basketballs. His friend – the one whose birthday it was – couldn’t make a shot and was very frustrated. My son gave him one of the basketballs that he had won so he wouldn’t spend all his money. This was nice but not all that selfless considering he had won two. But then he told me he gave his other one to a boy who was around 7 or 8. After the boy’s father had unsuccessfully tried to win one for his son and after trying unsuccessfully to convince the game operator to allow him to buy one for him my son stepped in and offered him the other ball he had won. The man initially refused but my son insisted and they took it – both the man and boy were very grateful. And I too was grateful. No one would have blamed my son or even noticed if he hadn’t given that ball to the boy. Some might even say that it was the wrong thing to do – that the child would have been better off learning that you don’t always get what you want – that sometimes you lose. I am hopeful, however, that what the child remembers is what a nice thing my son did; that he saw a way to make a situation better, to make a child feel good and he took the opportunity to do so. The lesson wasn’t that if you get upset someone will always fix it; the lesson was about compassion and empathy. My son had been in that boy’s shoes himself at one time. He was now in a position to do something that wasn’t done for him and he took it. It wasn’t about giving him a basketball – it was about making him happy; about not letting the boy dwell on that negative in an otherwise positive day; it was about doing what he thought was the right thing.

Every day our kids do things that remind us that they are listening or at least have learned what is expected of them. But sometimes it’s gestures like these – the kind that happen when there is no one to impress, when there is no reward other than knowing you did something good – that remind
you that someone – maybe you, maybe someone else or maybe a combination of influences – has done alright by your child. Even if I’m not the one who is behind the good that my children do sometimes, I at least know that I’ve not given them any reason to doubt they’re doing the right thing when they make these kinds of choices.

Parenting is a tough job. I’ve never doubted myself more with anything I’ve ever done or been involved in. The consequences of being a bad parent just seem to be far greater and impactful than faltering or failing at a job or in any other relationship. Even though we know that one wrong move isn’t going to cause our children to suffer for a lifetime (unless it’s a gargantuan wrong move), not knowing exactly how those wrong moves might impact them makes us worry and doubt ourselves. It’s perhaps why we make baked goods to look like Mickey Mouse – we’re hoping that’s what the kids will remember when they look back on their childhoods, not the times we yelled a little too loudly or took away more privileges than was really reasonable for that bad grade. With work we get fired if we royally screw up.But we can go out and get another job. If we royally screw up with our children, then what? So it’s good to have these reminders that we’re doing okay – to see some of that “okay” coming out of our kids and giving us that feeling that they are going to be alright. And it allows me to relax and think that I can hold off on imparting those mug shot taking tips just a little while longer. - AMB

The Greatest Gifts

My son just celebrated his 16^th birthday. Those 16 years flew by. We parent-types always say those kinds of things but it sure feels true. From the moment children start walking they begin taking steps away from us. And as they become more and more independent we become less and less influential - or at least less directly influential. When children are toddlers and they make the wrong choice – say to play with an electrical outlet (which looks like one of the least interesting things to play with if you ask me, however they sure are magnets for the crawling and newly walking set) – we pick them up and remove them from that danger. Those days of being able to literally catch them before they fall are gone. They are not under our ever-watchful eyes when they are 16 – and in a few months that will really be true once he gets his driver’s license.

A couple of days before our son’s birthday we drove home with a new-used truck that will be “his”. We swore we wouldn’t be those parents who bought their kid a car for their birthday but a third car will be needed when he gets his license and we wanted to ensure he had those few months of supervised driving time in whatever was going to be the main vehicle he drove. As a parent I worry about giving my children too much. It’s a nice concern to have considering there are parents out there wondering how to make ends meet much less buy their children birthday gifts of any sort. No doubt our children are fortunate but I think – I hope anyway – that the reason they feel fortunate is not so much because of the things they have but because of the real gifts they’ve been given over the years. I think – and again, hope – they are grateful for the material things they have been given or enjoy yet recognize that if all of those things were gone tomorrow they wouldn’t have lost everything – that everything of the most value still remains with them.

If you asked kids what was the greatest gift they’ve ever been given you’d probably get answers like “a new car”, “a video game system”, “a bike”, “a television”. Something that was “a big deal” to them would probably be the response. But I see the greatest gifts we given our children in every photo I’ve ever taken. I have captured happiness, surprise, joy, gratitude, pride, kindness, compassion, love and more in these images. I also see these things in their everyday actions. I may not always see overt, grandiose gestures that tell me my children are responsible, caring, grateful, civil, kind and respectful but I see all of these things – and a good bit of the time. I know that the example I’ve set, the parenting I’ve done has contributed greatly to their being who they are. I can’t take all the credit but I know it’s something that has helped mold them into the little people they are.

What I’ve always wanted for my children is for them to connect with what is important and to know what real feeling, real meaning is. My son was happy when his dad drove up in the truck – he was surprised and appreciative. But it’s nothing compared to the way I saw him look at the sunset and sky one night as we were driving to some locale south of us for a vacation. I had turned to look out the window and saw a beautiful sky and when I turned around to tell the kids to look he was already looking. He said “I know. I’ve been watching it. It’s really beautiful.” He was 13 or 14 at the time. That look and the ones I’ve seen on him when he has been looking at something truly amazing and beautiful and natural show me that he gets the difference between a thing, like a car, and something real and special and worthy of staring at for a while.

Money can buy you some pretty great stuff – stuff that makes life easier or more entertaining at times or more comfortable but in the end it’s just stuff. There’s nothing wrong with having stuff and enjoying it. I hope my kids have all the “stuff” they want one day but when I think about what I want for my children it’s not stuff. I don’t wish for my children to have big houses and fancy cars; to take lavish vacations or have all the latest technology gadgets. I wish for them to fall in love and know passion like they could have never imagined; to feel compassion for others such that they want to do something to ease the struggles they see; to laugh openly and heartily every day; to have a few very good, very close friendships – people you’d do anything for;  to appreciate their surroundings – to see or find the beauty that surrounds them wherever they are; to take chances to achieve something that they want; to have an awareness – to notice and pay attention so that they can continuously learn, connect and be in moments rather than just passing through their days; to truly feel – gratitude, empathy – even  grief and sadness for those come when we’ve lost what we’ve loved, cared for and appreciated. To know that “the good life” comes more from within; it comes from shared or meaningful experiences.

I have to admit that it felt kind of indulgent to purchase him this truck but as I pondered the decision I also felt that it wasn’t going to change him, that we’ve set a pretty good foundation for him in terms of knowing what’s important, what should really be appreciated - that it’s the sunsets in life that really matter, not what you’re driving when you see them. I think he’ll keep appreciating those sunsets – I’ll just have to remind him to pull over to do so now. --AMB

If I Could Have One Superpower…

There’s this feature in The Washington Post Magazine that I read from time to time called Date Lab. It recounts the results of a match-making attempt. In the application/interview process the prospective daters are asked various questions, one of which is, “If you could have any superpower what would it be?” The answers are always kind of predictable – flying, being invisible, time travelling. My gut response to this question is: the I Dream of Jeannie blink. On many occasions I’ve thought how convenient such a power would be. Stuck in traffic? Blink yourself home. Needing an escape to a warm locale? Blink, you’re there. Missing someone? In a blink, you’re with him. That would definitely be a cool superpower that I’d love to have but there’s one that occurred to me the other day that I think I’d rather have: the ability to stop people’s pain.

I’ve witnessed or been aware of the pain of others lately and have felt helpless and sorry that I could do nothing about it or that what I could do wasn’t enough. I don’t like to see people in pain – physically or emotionally – and if it makes me feel terrible then I can just imagine how those enduring the pain are feeling. It’s a no brainer to want to help people in physical pain. When I know that or see someone I care about in pain from some ailment or some injury I want to be able to take out some magic wand and wave it all away. It’s difficult to see someone you know in physical pain. When I watch my father get up from a chair and pause not quite ¾ of the way up, I know it’s because of his knee. Or maybe his back – both of which ache all the time and cause real pain other times.  I want that wand when I see him move like this. Then I want it to wave over myself because I ache – I ache for him and the pain he feels but also because his largely age-related pains remind me that one day I will have to go on living without my parents.

To me, that is the worst kind of pain. The one that grips your heart and squeezes until you think it will dissolve and you will cease to be as a result. It’s the kind of pain people feel when they are sad, grief-stricken, heart-broken or have been on the receiving end of mean, unkind or otherwise hurtful behaviors. It is beyond difficult to watch your own child fall prey to the meanness of a supposed friend; to look into the pained eyes of a woman as she tells you her husband was just diagnosed with cancer and her Alzheimer’s-stricken mother is dying; to watch a boy’s eyes fill with tears as he expresses disappointment in his ability to reach a goal; to see a child hang his/her head in upset after the sting of a parent’s or classmate’s unkind or humiliating words has rendered him/her speechless; to know of the ache in one’s heart over a lost, incomplete or unrequited love; to see someone in need or that I care about be ignored or mistreated. I have been witness to all of these lately and I would give just about anything to have that fix-it wand to take away all that pain.

But I don’t have that wand so what to do? Well, I do what I can. I empathize. I apologize. I offer kind words. I boost confidence. I show patience. I am generous – with my time, my thoughts, my knowledge. I cry. I hug. I say nothing but I’m there. I do whatever I think might help ease that pain – even if just for a moment. So often we don’t know what to say when people are hurting. We worry so much about making it worse that we do nothing at all. But how can it ever be wrong to say or show you care? Yes, we trip over our words at times and come across about as eloquent as a chimpanzee but even if the delivery is severely flawed, delivering any sort of caring message is a good thing. Honestly, it doesn’t take much most of the time. A simple “I’m sorry” or “Is there anything I can do” is enough. Sometimes we cannot do anything to ease another’s pain but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t say that we want to ease it or that we wish we could.

Nobody has that magic wand to erase the pain another is feeling but we do have a cache of values that when employed properly can make a difference. All another person may need to help them move forward or turn a corner is to know someone else cares. This can be done in myriad ways. Be kind. Show them they are appreciated. Tell them you love them. Sit next to them and hold their hand. Tell them you are sorry. Offer to help. Send a card. Take them to dinner. Listen. Cry. Make them laugh. Tell them you understand, that you’ve been there before – in short, empathize. I believe empathy is one of the greatest gifts we can give someone in pain. Sadness, grief, heartache, frustration, anger, disappointment and fear are some of the loneliest feelings in the world. When someone takes the time to empathize with you it can take that alone feeling away. It may not take away the pain but it can be extraordinarily helpful to know that someone else has been where you have and made it through.

Magic wands don’t exist. Superheroes don’t exist. But we all have the opportunity to bring a little magic into the lives of others or to seem like a superhero, if only for an instant. Be that person when the opportunity arises. It will be a gift – to both of you. – AMB

The Value of Watching Our Words

The shooting in Tuscon, AZ is not Sarah Palin’s fault – nor Rush Limbaugh’s nor Rachel Maddow’s nor Keith Olberman’s nor anyone else in the media or not in the media. It is Jared Lee Loughner’s fault. He pulled the trigger, he took the lives of six people and injured many more. It is a true tragedy. It is a time for many things but blaming politicians or the media and their partisan or inflammatory rhetoric is not one of those things. Among other things it could be and should be a time for reflection and/or a time for thoughtful, responsible dialogue but it is not a time to stir the already bubbling pot of political partisanship.

Often when we’ve had a scare of some sort or something shocking or tragic happens we take the time to reflect; we vow to take action. If we’ve had a health scare of some sort we vow to appreciate life more; to do the things on our “bucket lists” sooner rather than later; to eat healthier or exercise more or make sure we don’t miss our regular check-ups. Americans – people in general – exhibit astonishing amounts of sympathy and generosity in the wake of natural disasters and we vow to give more, do more, care more – and we usually do, at least in the short term. When we hear of unfair treatment of others – prejudicial behaviors or beliefs that we feel are hurtful and wrong we step up and defend those who need our advocacy – we protest, we march, we make ourselves heard. It is our right to do these things and these things are often the catalysts for change. It was certainly the right of the individuals who spoke up after this tragedy to express their feelings about how the words of certain “talking heads” may have caused or influenced this horrific crime but it was not responsible, thoughtful or even fair to make such a proclamation – at least not in the way it was done.

It is important to watch what we say – what words we use, how we say what’s on our minds – and to give careful thought to what message others may hear. Let’s face it – people often seek the opportunity to misunderstand or twist what others say if they perceive some personal or professional advantage to doing so. It’s sad but true.  One way to best ensure that what we say is not misconstrued is to think before we speak. Novel idea, eh? Yes, think before we speak and choose our words carefully. I am sure I was told this as a kid more than once as I was about to embark on a plea to do one thing or another or when I was about to express my dissatisfaction with the denial of that plea. Our words have consequences – good ones or bad ones. And once those words are “out there” you can’t take them back. You can try. You can say you didn’t mean them or apologize for them but the damage that was initially done isn’t always so easy to remedy.

There’s a famous quote that in part says “Watch your words, for they become actions.” Our words do become actions – we often do what we say we are going to do or act in a way that is consistent with what we are saying and how we are saying it. But isn’t it fair and true to say that our words can inspire others to act? Of course it is. Advertisers influence us to buy things with their words and images. Speech-writers labor over their works to help politicians win elections or to help company executives motivate their employees. Words are powerful; they are influential. Parents know this. A huge part of our job is to impress upon our children what is right, wrong, good, bad, appropriate or not.  We use words to convey what we want, to express the types of people we want our children to become, to shape their character – and we try to ensure our actions further underscore the meaning of our words. But parents aren’t the only ones who do this and redeeming and positive language and actions aren’t always what is being expressed. People use inciting or harmful language – words that call up images of violence, hatred and spitefulness – to get air time or to rile people into action. And they do this intentionally – to gain followers or to gain something – either for themselves or for a group to which they belong. Their goal may not be – and probably most often is not – to recruit or connect with a person who might not need a whole lot of prodding to commit a minor crime in the name of seeking a “greater good” or to commit a truly heinous act for the same purpose. But we need to remember, especially if we have a microphone in front of our mouths or a camera filming what we are saying, that we don’t know who is listening and for that reason it is even more important to be mindful of what we say and how we say it.

Now, I don’t want to shut anyone up – at least not in terms of taking away their right to speak. Of course there are plenty of people who I wish would shut up – but I tend to employ my freedom to walk away or simply change the channel when those particular folks come within earshot or appear on my television or radio. I do believe people should be able to speak their minds openly and freely. I just don’t think it’s necessary to use violent terms or images to make a point – well, maybe if we’re talking about war but in everyday conversation it’s not necessary. Are we so lacking in our vocabulary, our creativity or our intellect that we cannot come up with strong, poignant and influential words or metaphors that are not associated with violence? Do our “fightin’ words” have to elicit images of killing or blood or hatred or conflict? Has it become so common to use this type of language to get attention or make a point that we don’t even notice how awful what we are saying really is anymore?

I tell my children to remember that someone is always watching what they are doing and listening to what they are saying – even when they don’t know it. I ask them to remember that – to remember to conduct themselves in a way that is true to who they are, in a manner that isn’t going to get them into trouble or instill doubt in others about the type of person they are. That, in short, there are consequences when we are irresponsible with our behaviors. Often it is just us who bear the brunt of those consequences – we take a personal hit. But sometimes what we say and what we do can hurt others and it is for that reason more than anything that we should be mindful of our words and actions. It’s one thing to hurt ourselves with our behaviors but it’s quite another when someone else gets hurt as a result. No, the AZ tragedy is not anyone’s fault but the man who pulled the trigger. But how sad is it that there are people who have used words or expressed themselves in ways that could even call into question whether they may have been an influencing factor?  –AMB

What do you think responsible speech is? When you are angry, upset or emotionally charged up, do you think you express yourself in a way that is responsible? Explain.

Are You True to Yourself?

Why do you do the things that you do? Do you ever really think about what you do and the reasons behind your actions? Do you think you are mindfully making choices every day or just sort of going along with whatever is the current trend or what someone else thinks is a good idea? There is a lot of pressure these days to be this way or that way. We are constantly barraged with advertisements and slanted points of view attempting to goad us or guilt us into doing one thing or another. We are told we can be happier, healthier, stronger, thinner, prettier, sexier, richer and more. There are promises to make us bigger just in the places where we might want to be bigger and smaller where we might want to be smaller. Words are carefully selected based on the target audience. Kids are told what makes them cool. Parents, what makes them less lame. But there is one thing that no one seems to be telling us and that is to just be ourselves. Well, not no one, there are teachers and parents and others who do encourage people  to be themselves but five minutes later you will hear a lot of these same folks using words that convey a message that something about you needs to change.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." Emerson was born in 1803 and died in 1882. Apparently even 100+ years ago people were being told who they should be and what they should look like. Even then there must have been pressure to buy one’s knickers at a certain store, severe cases of stage coach envy may have been common amongst men and women probably rushed out in droves whenever there was a big corset sale in search of one that gave them that sought after silhouette of a tiny waist and big boobs.
 
Emerson’s quote is proving to be timeless. Even more than wanting to tell people what they should look like and what material objects they should own, people want to tell us what to think and what to believe. It seems like no one is content to just share their viewpoint anymore, they want you to get on board whatever train they’re riding. We’ve come to think that whatever our way is, it is the right way or the only way. Forget compromise. Forget about appreciating and respecting the differences and diversity that make life interesting. Nope. Others want you to convert you – or tell you what you should be, do and care about. So it is true that to be yourself is quite the achievement when you’ve got pressure, encouragement and influence to deviate from who you are. Telling someone to “Be Yourself” is much easier said than done at times.

When something is trendy, popular or widely accepted by one’s peer group or the general population, it can be very difficult to go against it. It’s difficult, awkward or uncomfortable to be the one dissenting voice in a group. We fear repercussions, of being excluded or laughed at, we fear being different, we don’t want to stand out because we are afraid we’ll become some sort of target. It takes a great amount of courage to be true to ourselves, to stick with our beliefs, opinions, tastes, wants and goals when others might be encouraging us to take a different path. But the person who knows you best is you and that is the person you need to listen to more so than anyone else.

I think those who wish to change us are usually one of three things: 1) trying to make money off of us; 2) afraid or 3) intolerant. And I think in order to not fall prey to those who want to change us we need to be: 1) self-confident; 2) courageous and 3) determined. It’s not easy to be all of those things when faced with the pressure to go down what might be a perfectly fine path, just one you don’t want to take. But no one can change you if you are self-confident; if you know what you want and say it with conviction; if you know what’s best for you and don’t let anyone tell you they know better.  No one can change you if you are courageous; if you face adversity and persevere through it in order to get or do what you want; if you say ‘no’ when everyone else is saying ‘yes’ or vice versa; if you are willing to risk disappointing or upsetting others when they exert undue pressure on you to go against your desires or beliefs. And no one can change you if you are determined; if you are strong and steadfast in your decisions; if you don’t waver from your viewpoint or position because it’s unpopular or disliked.

Now, being true to yourself doesn’t mean you have to align yourself with or associate with only those who share your same viewpoints, beliefs and tastes. It is small-minded to think that a Democrat and Republican, for example, can’t hold a civil conversation on topics about which they are diametrically opposed. They can. They can also go out to lunch together or share a bed every night and be happy as clams. It is sad and disappointing how so many seem to draw lines in the sand when it comes to everything and determine that whatever side of the line we are on is the “right” or the “good” side. We label everything. We have become a people who have, in so many ways, come to embody the phrase “If you’re not with me, you’re against me” and therefore have this desire to or feel compelled to change people to our way of thinking. Eat This, Not That. Wear This, Not That. Believe This, Not That. Drive This, Not That. Listen to This, Not That. There is bias everywhere. Everyone thinks they know what is best for us.

100+ years ago Emerson saw what we see even more profoundly today. People want to change us into something different than we are and we have a difficult time not caving to those pressures at times. I think because we worry too much about image, about being liked. But isn’t it better to be disliked for what you are than to be liked or loved for something you aren’t? I think John Mason said it best when he said, “You were born an original. Don't die a copy.”  -AMB

Are you true to yourself? How do you know this? What kinds of things do you do or don’t you do that remind you that you are being true to who you really are?

Compete With Yourself to Be The Best You

People are competitive. Everyone wants to win. That’s understandable. It’s fun to win, it feels good to come in first in a race, to score the highest number of points in a game or to be the one elected to fill some sort of leadership post. It seems, however, that so many people these days want to deemphasize winning and losing. Parents and teachers go out of their way to not keep score, to create activities and games that focus on fun but do not result in anyone “winning”. We are told that losing hurts children’s self-esteem. I am not at all on board with trying to eliminate these competitive learning experiences. Does anyone think our kids believe us when we tell them “everyone was a winner today”? Do parents and teachers really think that kids don’t know exactly who won the soccer game even if no one kept score? Do they think kids are blissfully unaware of who the best athletes are, the smartest children, the best musicians? We may be fooling ourselves but we’re not fooling the kids. I think what we should be doing is helping our children understand what it means to win; that there are myriad ways to achieve success and not all of them require someone else to lose or that we find ourselves on top of the proverbial heap at the end of whatever it is we are trying to accomplish.

Now, to be clear, I’m not talking about 4 or 5 year olds here. I know that up until around the age of 7 or 8 children can become very discouraged and their self-esteem can take a pretty good hit if too much emphasis is put on the idea of winning and losing. They think “losing is bad therefore if I lose then I am bad”. I get that. So sure, I’m all for easing children into competitive situations to ensure they don’t decide to give up altogether on something because one of the outcomes of their pursuit might be a loss. But I believe competition is a very good thing. That wanting or feeling the need to be first is an incredible motivator and, if channeled properly, can result in the creation of extraordinary people; people who are simply extraordinary in nature or character or people who are extraordinary at whatever they do. Competition breeds excellence. I don’t believe excellence can be achieved, actually, without competition of some sort.

We all have talents and skills. We also all have the ability to become excellent in whatever we choose to do. Without some sort of competitive drive, however, only those who have an innate and unusual brilliance at some thing would ever achieve at a very high level. Most of us do not have that brilliance born into us. We have to work hard and compete to achieve it. What we don’t need, however, in order to be competitive is another person to compete against. We often have that, of course, but it’s not needed. Sports is the first thing that comes to mind when thinking about competition and yes, we compete against others at times but a win need not come at the expense of another. Now I love to win as much as the next person and sometimes I competed against other people, in races or contests of some sort but the person with whom I was always competing was myself. When it came to academics my motivator was to be the best student I could be. If an A+ was the best I could get, I wanted it. I didn’t care what anyone else achieved, it wasn’t about anyone else. In general, if I was interested in something then I wanted to reach the highest level I could attain with that thing. This is still true. What is constant with me, which I’m not sure is the case with others, is that everything I do is for myself. I don’t do things to impress anyone, to be able to say I’ve done them or to best someone else. I may, in the process of reaching for a given goal, best someone else but I don’t feel that someone else has to lose in order for me to win. I get satisfaction from reaching a goal I have set for myself. And if I have a goal then I am, indeed, competing.

Being competitive over the years has helped me be a better athlete, a better student, a better employee, a better friend, a better partner or parent. It helps me keep a clean house, keep up with work, come up with new ideas, write, work out (although not as of late), eat better, and be a better person. Since I know I can often do better, I strive for that. It is being competitive that helps me press on in things that one doesn’t necessarily view as having anything to do with being competitive. Being competitive helps me not accept for too long how squishy my muscles are becoming or how my writing has been lacking or how disorganized my house has become. I do not compare myself to others. It is not seeing someone who is in great shape that drives me to get to the gym or visiting the spotless house of a friend that makes me pull out the vacuum. These things can, indeed, motivate people for they remind us that things need to be done and can be done but I would caution people from too frequently using other people’s accomplishments as motivators; don’t try to “be like” someone else. If someone sets a good example, by all means use that example to help you in whatever way you can but remember to be who you are and compete with yourself to be the person you want to be, to have the life you want to have.  

Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Keep feeling the need for being first. But I want you to be the first in love. I want you to be the first in moral excellence. I want you to be the first in generosity.”  This really underscores how being competitive can help us be better people. If you strive to be “first” in what you love to do – all the things that you love to do – you will get the most out of those things. If you strive to be the nicest person, the kindest person, the most generous person then you will be those things; you will be an exceptional person.

I think being called a fierce competitor is one of the best compliments one can be given. That means to me, win or lose, that you gave your all on the track, the court or the field of play; that you gave your all to your job, to your kids, to your interests; that even when there was no hope for that promotion, that scholarship, or the outcome that you desired, you never gave up, you were the best you that you could be until the end. A fierce competitor may not always be able to claim victory but s/he will always be a winner. –AMB

How do you compete in your life? With whom do you think you compete? What drives you or motivates you to be better? Where do you find that - within yourself or somewhere else?

What Have You Left Unfinished?

I happened to watch the television show “How I Met Your Mother” the other night (10/4) while working out in my basement. The character Ted, at the end, is giving a lecture to his college class about the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, Spain (one of my all time favorite cities, by the way). The Sagrada Familia is an unfinished church in Barcelona by Antonio Gaudí that remains such as he was hit and killed by a tram leaving the work site of the church. As Ted is speaking about the church he says that it usually isn’t being hit by a bus that keeps something from being completed but that, “Most of the time it’s too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It’s only once you’ve stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it. But it’s always there. And until you finish it, it will always be…” And he never finishes his sentence as he is runs out of class to take care of something he left unfinished but of course the missing word is “unfinished”.

 I actually have lots of unfinished stuff right now. My house is half clean; my office is partially organized; half of the clean clothes in the laundry basket still need to be put away; I have a few blog entries to wrap up – you get the picture. We all have “stuff” that we don’t finish or that sort of stays in constant state of needing some kind of attention. At least I do. There is always a dirty dish, something that needs cleaning or straightening, words that need to be written, people who need to be called. I do my best, however, to make sure what goes unfinished is not of major consequence; that all the important stuff gets done. That is not always the case and we don’t always see or get what is the most important. Or maybe we do but we just talk ourselves into believing that it doesn’t matter or it isn’t as important as we thought or we conveniently immerse ourselves in our busy lives. What this often leads to, however, is regret.

 Now, it is not always possible to get from point A to point B in a straight line. I’d say much of the time it’s not. No matter how much we plan or how organized, focused and determined we are, things happen that throw us off that obstacle-free path peppering it with, well, obstacles. We vow to lose a certain amount of weight and stop short of our goal. We vow to exercise more regularly but succeed in only logging sporadic visits to the gym. We vow to be a better friend, reach out more to family, volunteer in our communities, take a class of some sort, learn to do something new, find a new job, travel more or to some specific locale…the list goes on and on of what might be unfinished in our lives. The reasons for our stopping short of our goals are varied and many. Sometimes putting something on hold or taking another path makes sense or there was not other option but often I think we are just taking the easy way out.

 I believe that most of us diverge from or redraw the paths we have plotted in our minds at some point in time. It’s inevitable – marriages, children, divorces, and many other significant events occur that alter our courses. It is therefore understandable that we take some boiling pots and put them on the back burner for a while. But sometimes we leave them there too long, until the sizzle is gone or until we have forgotten what we were even cooking to begin with. Sometimes this is okay. Life changes and with that comes changes to our goals. We grow, we learn, we discover. One interest frequently supplants another. But something we should never do is forget about the stuff we really wanted to do or the stuff that was and is still important to us. The only people, though, who can really tell us if we have unfinished business is ourselves. We have to look in the mirror and ask if we like what we see. We have to have talks with ourselves and ask if we like what we hear. We have to look around and ask if we think we are where we belong, if something or someone is missing. It is then that we will know whether or not we have anything left to finish.

Back in the 9^th grade (a very long time ago) at a track meet my coach put me in the fast heat of the 100 meter hurdles. I did not welcome this challenge. I had become very comfortable winning the slow heats and in this particular meet it would be the fastest of the fast heats we’d run against that year. I was horrified to be running against four seniors, three of whom had track scholarships lined up, one of whom was also headed to compete in the Olympic Trials. And then there was me. I had only recently mastered taking just three steps in between each hurdle when my coach threw me into this situation. She told me I needed to be pushed. I was stagnating competing against slower runners. I was not happy but I had no choice. It started off well. We were all even for a couple of hurdles and with three hurdles left in the race I was tied with one of the scholarship girls, beating my non-scholarship teammate (who I had never bested before) and not quite a hurdle behind the other two. But my three steps were a bit of a struggle as I went to go over the second to last hurdle and my trail leg clipped the hurdle. I went down hard. My knees and hands took the brunt of the fall which kept my face from hitting the pavement – the only thing I was thankful for at that moment. I really don’t know what happened – clipping my trail leg shouldn’t have caused me to wipe out like that, but wipe out I did. All I remember thinking as I was lying there was how I didn’t want to get up. Ever. If winter had arrived just then and covered me completely with snow I would have been thrilled. Did it feel too difficult to get up? Yes. Too scary? Yes. Too lots of things. But then I heard my coach screaming at me to “GET UP, GET UP, GET UP.” So I got up, stood there for a second (painfully aware of the silence and everyone’s eyes on me) and heard her scream “FINISH” which immediately became the worst F-word I had ever heard. But she was my coach so I very gracelessly loped over the last hurdle to cross the finish line in what would be my worst ever time in that race albeit my most memorable. Blood was running down my leg from the scrape on my knee, tiny pieces of asphalt were sticking to my hands, legs and uniform and the lump in my throat was growing larger by the second as I did everything in my power to suppress my urge to cry – not because I was hurt but because I had, in my mind, failed miserably and very publicly. I felt like I had let my coach down, that I proved to her only that I couldn’t compete against the faster girls. As my coach quickly looked at my knee and picked a few pieces of asphalt out of my hands, I said, “Are you mad at me because I fell” and she said “No, you were doing great, better than I expected” and I said “But I fell. And I’ve never heard you yell at me like that” and she said “I wanted you to get up and finish the race. You always finish the race if you can. Always. And I knew you could so I was yelling at you to get up. You must finish.” I said “Oh,” satisfied that she wasn’t angry with me, then started to walk off the track to go clean up before my next race. But she caught me by the upper arm and said, “Where are you going? Go run your lap.” and I said “But I’m bleeding” and she said “We’ll clean you up after you run” and as she gave me an encouraging slap on the back (and believe me, I wanted to slap her back). She said “Finish. You aren’t done until you run that lap. Your teammates waited for you. Go.” I used to think that I never forgot that story because it was a horrifying – if not the most horrifying moment – on the track but I don’t think that is the case. I don’t just remember the fall and how that made me feel – I remember everything she said to me about finishing the race, about finishing what you start. I’ve told that story to my kids when they’ve wanted to quit something or not try something because it was too hard or might be difficult or embarrassing or otherwise not ideal. In the end I was glad I finished that race. It might have been the worst time I ever got but it was also the biggest ovation I ever got. Getting up was a bigger accomplishment than winning. And I guess that makes sense. I did, in fact, learn way more from losing that race than I did from any of the ones that I would later win – I had hadn’t failed miserably as I thought I had, I finished the race and that itself made it a success.—AMB

What have you left unfinished? How do you think it will make you feel if you finish what you started or reach the goal you set? What can you or will you do to tie up those loose ends, reach that goal you set but have yet to achieve or finish what you started?

Gaining Perspective

My neck hurts after having slept on it wrong. I’m frustrated by the hot, humid weather we’ve been having all summer long. My home office is way disorganized. I can’t print photos from our beach vacation because I need printer ink. There are cob webs at the highest point of my foyer which will require me to seek assistance getting a tall, heavy ladder into the house so that I can reach them. We are out of soda. The flowers in my kitchen vase are drooping and losing their petals. Laundry is piling up. The two mosquito bites I got this morning while out on the deck watching my dog Alvin prance around are itching like crazy. Someone stop me! Or at least tell me to shut the heck up.

 

As I prepare my son to head out to the beach with a friend for the next five days my parents are preparing to visit friends of theirs – a visit that has given me a good dose of perspective. As I sit in my way disorganized office and think about these little annoyances in my life, my parents will be visiting friends whose friendship has endured for more than fifty years, one of whom is not well – so not well that this could possibly be the last time they see him. So yeah, I need to shut the heck up about my silly laundry, the lack of soda in the fridge and my itchy mosquito bites.

 

Every once in a while it’s good to get a big ole dose of perspective – that proverbial slap in the face that reminds us just how good we have it. We so often focus on the good things that we don’t have or haven’t achieved instead of focusing on all the bad things we’ve managed to steer clear of. We are told not to sweat the small stuff yet we continue to make mountains out of mole hills. We let printers that have no ink and the humidity that we are tired of get to us as if it’s the worst thing to ever happen. Even though we all know that someone – or many someones – out there have it worse than us we always think about ourselves first and whatever “injustice” we are facing. Now, I’m certainly not suggesting that we always put the needs of others before our own or anything like that, I’m just saying that perhaps before we get into a snit over something relatively small and trivial in nature, we think about something good that is going on in our lives to offset the bit of bad we are dealing with. And it doesn’t hurt to think about the big, bad stuff that others might be dealing with that we aren’t and be grateful that we are not in that position.

 

I think it’s pretty normal to live in our own little life bubbles and sort of forget that there are things much bigger going on in the lives of our friends and families and of those we marginally know or don’t know at all. We are busy trying to do the best we can for our own families and make the best life we can for ourselves and those we care about. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that but sometimes if we look outside of ourselves and those little bubbles of ours it might make us appreciate what we do have even more. It might also provide us with an opportunity to empathize or sympathize with another or find a way to help.

 

Looking at things from a different perspective can bring out our values in a positive way. I am frequently reminded to be grateful for my general good health and that of my children when I hear stories – sometimes heart-wrenching ones – of those who aren’t so fortunate. My empathy also comes out when I hear of folks dealing with challenges that I’ve dealt with or someone close to me has which allows me to be a better friend, listener or advisor. Sometimes viewing something from a different perspective just reminds us to be a little more patient, compassionate, generous, caring, understanding or kind.

 

We all have bad days but sometimes – frequently even – I am reminded that I really have no idea what a bad day is. A good day for my parents’ friend is when he has the energy to actually make it outside of his house to sit and enjoy the outdoors for a short while – a task that leaves him exhausted. I log miles every day moving about and think nothing of it. We take so much for granted in our lives when things are going well or just not going awfully – our health, our financial well-being, our high-achieving children, our job security, our friendships and important relationships – yet most of us still want more, we still focus on whatever it is that could be better or could be added to our lives. Some people, though, want just one thing – to get through this day and live to see another – to wake up and hope to have the energy to make it outside. They very likely open their eyes each day and experience a wave of gratitude to find themselves still here.

 

We all know that there are no guarantees in life – we are here and then we are not so shouldn’t we make the most of every day? Or at least be happy for the day itself? It makes me ache to think of this sweet, wonderful friend of my parents having such a difficult time. For him, every day truly is a gift. No doubt he spends much of his time thinking about how much longer his body will keep going, how many more opportunities he has to simply get outdoors, smile at his wife or hold her hand, visit with his children and grandchildren, laugh, love, live. Most of us don’t have those kinds of thoughts every day – we get up and we get going, often begrudgingly and wanting nothing more than to close our eyes when that alarm goes off. To others, like my parents’ friend, waking must be a tremendous relief, an almost joyous event each day. And it makes me think – no matter our state of health, welfare or anything – that maybe we should all be feeling this way when we open our eyes each day – exceedingly grateful and happy to just be here because, let’s face it, those bubbles we are living in could burst at any moment. –AMB

 

How often do you find yourself looking at situations from a different perspective? What causes you to do this? What are the results when you do?

Show Them The Money? Or Maybe Not.

School’s out and final grades are in. My kids did well and if I were one of those parents who paid my children for getting As then they’d be cashing in. But I am not one of those parents. I do not in any way believe my kids should be “bribed” to get good grades. And for those of you who say “I’m not bribing, I’m motivating” I believe you have good intentions but they are misplaced. I want my children to be self-motivated, I want them to achieve at their highest level because, well, one should always want to achieve at the highest level they can in whatever they do. The feeling of personal achievement is so incredibly satisfying and I want them to feel that, to understand that, to know what self-satisfaction is like. I want them to be driven to do the thing they want to do as best as they possibly can because that, in and of itself, is rewarding. That it doesn’t matter whether there is anyone watching or not, whether there is some tangible reward of some sort or not (because much of the time there won’t be) – that the importance lies in doing the thing right and doing it as best as you can.

 

That is partially why I’m against paying children for getting good grades. The other reason is that we seem to be constantly rewarding children for every little thing they do. I don’t pay my children an allowance either. They are part of the family and as such they are expected to contribute to all that that means. It’s not a lot to ask a child to keep his/her room neat along with the bathroom they regularly use. My children do not have regular chores but they do help. They take out the trash, they help rake leaves, they help pick up the house, wash the car, shovel snow, etc. When they are asked to help they do so. Sometimes I will give them money for their help but it’s the exception rather than the rule. When my daughter spent all day shoveling snow after one of the big storms this past winter I felt she deserved something extra. She not only helped clear our driveway, she helped clear a path, with the help of many neighbors, down the street so cars could get out. She didn’t do it, however, with the expectation of getting money, she did it because she wanted to be a part of the solution the neighborhood was seeking. I was tremendously proud of her for that. And she was incredibly satisfied with the role she played. It was days later that I said “hey, I’m going to give you a little spending money for all the help with the snow.” She acted surprised and thankful but not entitled at all which made me feel good. I think that’s what I think bothers me about all this rewards business – it’s not building up kids’ self-esteem so much as it is building in them this sense of entitlement or expectation of something in return all the time. In their minds they are going “if I do this then maybe I’ll get that”. That is not how I want my children to think. Bargaining and negotiating are excellent skills but there is no way I’m bargaining with my children to get their best effort in academics, athletics, manners, help around the house or anything else that I think they should just be doing because it’s the right thing to do. Do kids even understand what it means to be altruistic? To do something for no other reason than it is the right or a good thing to do? Or for the feel-good feeling or feeling of accomplishment that it brings?

 

It bothers me that children are constantly enticed with rewards to do things like walk down the halls without talking. When I was in school this was a rule and you followed it “or else”. The “or else” was no recess or some sort of time out. There was no reward for following the rules – unless you want to call no punishment a reward. It is as if we are trying to only positively reinforce and minimize or eliminate all negative reinforcement. I can’t stand it. If you are doing something wrong then there are consequences. If you are doing something right, well the “reward” sometimes is simply that you are not in trouble; you are not on the receiving end of a negative consequence. There needn’t be a sticker, a pat on the back, a “good job” uttered or some other recognition for doing what we should be doing – at least not all the time. All of this positive reinforcement, this over-use of it (in my opinion) breeds kids who are unable to self-assess; it breeds resentment when one child receives that “pat” and another does not for they have been conditioned to expect these “rewards” for “just being”; it breeds kids who think “what do I get out of this” at every turn. I do NOT want my children making decisions based on the answer to the question “but what do I get out of this”. I want them to do the right thing, to be able to act on the spot with a good decision and when all is said and done and there is (or is not) some reward they feel good regardless.

 

To feel valued is incredible feeling and it is my belief that we should make others feel valued as individuals but not by throwing money or other rewards at them for their accomplishments or for following a very basic rule. These things have their place, for sure, but not in the every day things we do in life. It is my job as a parent to make my child feel valued. I do this mostly through my words and actions – by expressing my love and appreciation for their very being, my gratitude for their contributions, my pride and excitement in their accomplishments, a shared sadness and empathy in their disappointments. It is also my job to help them feel these things about themselves – to appreciate and love themselves for who they are and what they have achieved, to be proud and excited about what they have accomplished, to be grateful to others who impact them positively or help them in some way, to understand, process and be able to overcome their disappointments. These, to me, are the greatest gifts I can give my children. They may not be tangible, they may not be things they can hold in their hand but experience tells me that that which I hold in my heart outlasts anything I can touch with my two hands. And guess what, tangible rewards come when you are a good person, when you are accountable, when you achieve, when you act with integrity, when you ‘do the right thing’. Freedoms are granted, curfews may be extended, college acceptances are plentiful, good jobs are secured, raises are forthcoming as are promotions. We are conditioning our kids for instant recognition, instant gratification. Yes, money is nice, awards are nice, “stuff” is nice. Absolutely – that all makes for a more comfortable life and who doesn’t want that? I just think we are creating in the minds of our youth that these are the most prized things to have, to reach for, that they somehow equate to a happy life. When asked, however, about what their most memorable or important or favorite moments are in life, most people – kids included – will refer to something that money can’t buy. The answers refer to or include moments that made them feel good, that involved another person or that sprang from or resulted in feelings of love, happiness or accomplishment. Yes, money and material rewards can good motivators but what happens when you don’t have them? What happens when they aren’t given? People need to know what is right and wrong, what is good and bad, how well or how poorly they are doing in their efforts, what traits and values are needed to be a good person, to reach a goal, to succeed at some pursuit. Money can’t buy that. That lies within. —AMB

 

How do you motivate your children or others to be their best? Do you think it’s possible to be too positive with people? Why or why not?