I read the book Revolutionary Road recently on vacation. I have not yet seen the movie based on the book but I want to. Of course, I rarely fully appreciate any film I’ve seen based on books I’ve read and enjoyed because I focus on all the things that are left out, have been changed or are otherwise unrepresentative of the novel in some way. I realize I am not being fair or tolerant of these movies for I know it’s very difficult to convey in a movie all that a book encompasses. I am very demanding. I do know that and yet I still don’t cut movies based on books a break too often. Sometimes I feel the actors that are cast do not adequately represent the characters in the book or are what I envisioned while reading the book. I can be rather critical. But this is not about how the book was adapted for the screen, it’s about the book and the main focus, or what I saw as the main focus – a look at the suburbs in America. I live in the suburbs as do many people so I found it interesting, fascinating and relevant, even though the book was written in the 1960s about suburban life in the 1950s.
I have no intention of writing a book review here, I just want to take some observations from the book and some I’ve seen in real life and throw them out there as food for thought. Perhaps make you think about why you do whatever it is you do – no matter where you live, be it the suburbs, in the city, on a 100 acre ranch or wherever. It seems to me that people think there is this formula for happiness or success. That if you live in a certain sized house, a particular zip code, drive a certain kind of car, have a certain number of children, pets and material objects with a green, tended to lawn and a life that includes enough diversions to be “interesting” then you are successful and happy. I think the book takes on this idea of conformity, the idea that “keeping up with the Jones’” is what we are to strive for where Mr. & Mrs. Jones are some couple in the community who seem to have their act together or have a good life or look happy or whatever. I say “whatever” because I really don’t know what it is that could possibly be driving people to do what they do other than their own happiness, their own interests, love or desire for someone or something in their life. People end up “in a rut”, they follow routine and go about their daily lives like life is one big checklist. At the end of the day whatever didn’t get checked off gets added to the next day’s list. Is this really living? Is this what makes you happy?
Now, my life is surely a list of daily checklists too - practices, lessons, appointments and commitments. Kids go to school, adults go to work, houses get clean, lawns get mowed, events are attended, doctors are visited, dirty clothes get washed. These are not things we can avoid nor things we necessarily want to avoid but it’s not what I’d call really living. At least the checking off part isn't living. The real living lies in the things that move us, the things that make us feel happy or good or bring us pleasure in one way or another. The living lies in the way we view things that we do, the way we feel or what we take the time to feel as we move about our days. I have been moved at my child's piano lesson. Doing laundry, well, not so much but everything can't be moving or bring us meaning. I'm not saying that. Some things do, indeed, just need to get done - they are things might make the living part easier or better in some way. But trying to apply a formula to one’s life that works for everyone is crazy, but isn’t that what many of us do? We do things because they are “expected” or “it’s what we’ve always done” or “we said that we would”. Why is that? Now, I’m not suggesting we shirk our responsibilities – not at all – we have to be accountable but we don’t have to be unhappy in the process or do things robotically without thinking or trying to derive a little happiness out of some of the mundane tasks we take on.
I found Revolutionary Road to be a tragic book. There were some real heart-wrenching moments in it. It was more than sad to read of couples who were disinterested in one another. Who were going through the motions in their lives, doing what was expected of them or what they thought was the right thing to do per the rules of suburbia. There were people trying too hard to be something that they really weren’t, people who worried too much about what other people thought, people who tried to cover up the faults of others or portray them in ways that made them “look better” or people who seemed not to care about anyone or anything. The book may have been written more than 40 years ago but it still rings true today. How many of us worry about what the neighbors might think? How many of us are looking to follow rather than to lead? How many of us feel in our hearts one thing but do something completely different? In 1999 the book’s author, Richard Yates was quoted on his central theme: "If my work has a theme, I suspect it is a simple one: that most human beings are inescapably alone, and therein lies their tragedy." I saw that theme very clearly in the book. Is that true? Are most of us really inescapably alone? If that’s true then can’t we do something about that? I suppose we’d have to recognize it first in order to do something about it. First, we need to stop blaming the suburbs or anything else for our unhappiness, identify what it is that will make us truly happy and embrace that or go after it. Living a “good” or “moral” or “fine” life does not make it a happy one. Not to be a downer here but we tack these labels onto things – adjectives that themselves are positive – and expect that if we can label things in our life with these adjectives then happiness ensues. There are aspects of our lives that contribute to our being satisfied or even happy but true happiness comes from within ourselves.
Think about moments of true happiness or pleasure you’ve had. Was everything perfect? Were you in a grand house or locale surrounded by perfect lighting and lovely accoutrements? I actually think most if not all of my happiest moments can be linked to other people or pets or maybe even when I’ve been alone but where something that moved me emotionally was involved. The setting itself isn’t what made me happy. What I was wearing or how put together I was had nothing to do with it either. The length of the lawn that day or the weather or the car I was driving or the home I was living in were pretty much irrelevant.
Here are a handful of settings where I have experienced some of my happiest moments – some recent, some many, many years ago:
§ in a hospital room.
§ in my car in a parking lot.
§ sitting on a big, craggy rock.
§ on the beach.
§ in the rain.
§ on a high school track.
§ in a pit of sand.
§ outside of a Cathedral in Spain.
§ on my family room couch.
§ in an art museum in Paris.
§ in my kitchen.
§ on an elementary school stage.
§ in a country stream.
§ in a tiny, old efficiency apartment.
§ walking in the woods.
In these moments I have been:
§ exhausted.
§ without make-up, in need of a shower and with not a hair in place.
§ in pain.
§ sun burnt.
§ homesick.
§ in love.
§ pensive.
§ emotional.
§ in awe.
§ surprised.
§ sick.
What all of these moments have in common is that not a single material thing was involved in my happiness. The happiness I felt in every situation came from something far more important than anything money can buy. People have contributed to this happiness, nature, animals, something aesthetically pleasing or something within me has caused it. I’m not against material things but I just think we need keep our lives in perspective. Without money I would not have found myself in Spain or France BUT what is important to note is that while I experienced very happy moments there they were due to something that came from within me. I recognize that I could have had a similarly happy moment without having to get on a plane and travel to a foreign country. That’s what I think people are missing. Big, pretty, expensive, exclusive, prestigious are not synonyms for happy. Happiness is not a superficial emotion so let’s remember that the superficial rarely plays much of a role in providing it. - AMB
Do you attach happiness to superficial things or inanimate objects? If so, how is it that those things make you happy? What or who makes you truly happy?