The Values Gals

cooperation or competition

i watched a fascinating documentary over the holidays, i am, that examined foundational questions about our values as individuals and as a culture. it was an eye-opening film that warranted multiple viewings so i could absorb its offerings.

one of the key questions was: are we predisposed to be in cooperation or competition? present-day media would definitely supply us with endless examples of how we are geared to be in competition with each other. mostly in all superficial ways: money, beauty, fitness, education, fashion, home/car--all outer trappings. and this internalized sense of competition serves to isolate us--pitting us against others on many levels.

but the film identifies several studies in the animal world and cites earlier cultures as espousing a cooperative way of living. the science goes so far as to say that it's in our genes, we are hard-wired to cooperate. darwin mentioned survival of the fittest twice in his treatise, descent of man, but spoke of the observation of love 95 times. he noted sympathy as being the strongest characteristic in human nature. we have evolved to be good to others, to be in true community, for strong survival reasons. we depend on each other for support, for identity, for survival.

yes, we are both cooperative and competitive. but which value do you embody? and are you happy with that choice? would you choose differently and if so, what will you commit to do to make that transformation?

happy new year! liz

Amy’s List of What’s Always In and What’s Always Out

I'm a list maker and I sometimes find the "What's In & What's Out" lists to be kind of funny each new year. Or completely incomprehensible because I'm so out of touch with what is supposedly "in" and "out". The one I just read yesterday was like that. I think maybe I "got" 20% of it which means I can't tell if I'm "in" or "out" based on that list. Fortunately I don't really care. And if Brussel Sprouts are "in" (one of the items I actually understood), well then, I'm so "out". And you know, if I can't define or have no idea what the writer of these lists are talking about then it's pretty uninteresting and useless; the humor or whatever effect the writer is aiming for is lost on me in that case. Perhaps I'm so "out" that I shouldn't even read these lists because I can't get all the inside jokes or supposedly witty or clever references. What reading that list did make me want to do is write a list that I think is pretty darn clear and works for pretty much every year, if you ask me. You won't find a whole lot of wit or cleverness here - just some pretty straight-forward thoughts on what I think is pretty much always in and out. Maybe one or two random things but mostly stuff that I think is meaningful. At least in my book. It was a worthwhile exercise and one that I'd suggest to you. It makes you think about what really matters. Happy New Year. -AMB 

In                                                                                         Out
Kindness                                                                            Meanies
Personal Accountability                                                    The Blame Game
Songs that Don’t Need to Have “Clean Versions”            Songs that overuse the F-word
Congressional Cooperation                                              Congressional Pissing Contests
Asking & Telling                                                                 Bigotry
Minding One’s Own Business                                          Getting All Up In Everyone Else’s Business
Winners Who Actually Win                                                Everyone is a Winner
Earning Your Keep                                                             Feeling Entitled
Common Sense                                                                 Stupidity
Getting Your Green On                                                     Saying “I don’t care ‘cause in my lifetime….”
Gratitude                                                                            Rude, thankless behavior
Skin                                                                                    Tattoos
Taking Risks                                                                       Fear
Living in the Moment                                                           Thinking too much
Making Things Happen                                                       Wishing
Balconies                                                                            Windows
Actually Being Fair & Balanced                                          Saying the Words “Fair” & “Balanced”
“Thank You” waves                                                           Other Hand Gestures
Exceeding Expectations                                                      Mediocrity
Coffee                                                                                  Tea
Curiosity                                                                                Laziness
Doing What Makes You Happy                                            Waiting for Happiness to Find You
Leading                                                                                 Following
Tolerance                                                                              Ignorance
Love, Love, Love                                                                  Anything That Tries to Stymie Love

I am Grateful for…

…so many things. Every day on Twitter I type in the required 140 characters or less noting what I am grateful for on that day. Today I’m going to go a little broader and provide a list of what I am particularly grateful for this year. It is almost Thanksgiving thus a perfect time to reflect upon that which merits my gratitude.

 

To begin with I have to say that being alive and well are two things for which I am incredibly grateful. Life and good health – or being “well” for other reasons – is often taken for granted and while I don’t think we should go around thinking about the alternatives, we should reflect upon and be most thankful for them from time to time.

 

I have heard the Kenny Chesney & Dave Matthews duet of the song “I’m Alive” quite often lately in my car. The first lines of the song are as follows:

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard

Everybody’s got their share of battle scars

As for me, I’d like to thank my lucky stars

That I’m alive, and well

 

One thing that actually helps me be more grateful than I might normally be is to remember that no matter what my issue is, no matter what the fight I’m fighting may be, there is always someone who has it worse and there is always something that is good in life – even if it is just life itself. The song’s refrain is:

 

And today you know that’s good enough for me

Breathin’ in and out’s a blessing, can’t you see?

Today’s the first day of the rest of my life

And I’m alive and well

I’m alive and well

 

There are things – songs, books, images on television, people we know – that help remind us to be grateful. This song reminds me every time I hear it. My son is currently reading the book A Long Way Gone for English class. The book is about an African boy who, by the age of 13, was fighting a war and engaging in truly terrible acts – he had to kill or be killed. I asked my son – he is 14 – if he could even imagine such a life. Not surprisingly he said he could not. We talked about how lucky we were, how reading such a story makes you even more grateful for the life we lead - as grateful for those experiences we have as we are for those we do not.

 

So sometimes there are catalysts that bring out our gratitude and that’s a good thing – these reminders, these slaps in the face, if you will. But there needn’t be some ‘thing’ that makes us stop and think about what we are grateful for – it only takes a few minutes to make a mental list or write one down that sums up our gratitude. We are all busy these days but lists are pretty easy and that is why I love them. They may not tell the whole story but they can get the story started or spark additional thoughts.

 

Here is a list of things for which I am particularly grateful this year:

 

§       Making it to 40 even if I prefer how numbers look with a 3 instead of a 4 in front of them. J

§       A smooth transition to high school for Chase.

§       Claire’s continued interest to try new things and work hard for what she wants.

§       Our dog Chip who made the grief of losing two dogs within a year much easier to manage.

§       Family in general. While there are many ups and downs in familial relationships, family members tend to be the ones who, in the end, are always there when you need them.

§       Friends. Some of the most deeply felt experiences you’ll ever have can come from just one dear, special friend.

§       Travel. I feel quite fortunate and grateful to have had several vacations this year that included several states, two Caribbean islands and Canada.

§       Work that I care about and enjoy.

§       That some friends and family have made it through some tough times and are doing well.

§       That there are people I love who love me back.

 

And that I’m alive and well. Happy Thanksgiving. –AMB

 

For what are you grateful? Do you remember to be thankful on a regular basis most of the time? How can it benefit you to make a list or reflect more frequently on the good in your life – even if it’s simply that you are here?

Modern Family Values

There’s a new show this season on ABC called Modern Family that I find pretty amusing and very true-to-life when it comes to representing what a family is all about. It’s a comedy and it is actually funny (imagine that!), absurdly so at times. The absurdity is what often makes it so crazily funny but if you stop to think about it aren’t families all kind of absurd? Now, I mean no offense by suggesting this, I just think that while there is plenty of “normal” in many of our families, there is  probably a little – or a lot – of crazy, absurd, belly-laugh funny stuff too.

 

In the show there are off-color and politically incorrect jokes and jabs flying back and forth between the characters. Not non-stop but if you aren’t paying attention you can miss some pretty funny off-hand lines. It’s witty but I don’t think it has ever been mean. Something I’ve noticed is that for all the abrasion or conflict there is also a lot of compassion, forgiveness, compromise and kindness. A lot of what I’ve seen portrayed is what I think families are all about. This show isn’t trying to portray the “perfect family” nor is it trying to glorify dysfunction. I think it’s attempting to portray in a humorous way what so many of our families are – imperfect and flawed yet still filled with acceptance, understanding and love.

 

Here are some of the positive values I’ve seen portrayed on Modern Family:

 

§       Forgiveness

§       Tolerance

§       Compassion

§       Empathy

§       Selflessness

§       Sacrifice

§       Acceptance

§       Compromise

§       Love

 

Now, these positives have not necessarily been wrapped up in a pretty package. You see the conflict, you see it get resolved. It’s not perfect nor is it pretty but it is so much of what our lives are like. They don’t make family life look easy but they do show that it has its rewards. When the show is over, regardless of the issues that are going on – no matter how crazy or dysfunctional or challenging they seem – there is this overriding positive message; it always ends on a positive note. I don’t think the show’s writers are attempting to make you forget the anger, upset, grief, hurt or other difficult emotions or situations that have taken place. I think the positive end is meant to convey that through it all everything is going to be alright or that there is hope that things will work out okay even when life is too crazy, too busy, controversial or difficult; that when you are a family – whatever the make up of that family is, however that family has come together – you have strength in numbers. I get the feeling that they want to tell us that at the end of the day there will always be people who are there for you and are your biggest cheerleaders even when it doesn’t always seem that way. –AMB

At the end of the day, who is always there for you? Would you call this person family – even if s/he is not “technically” or by dictionary standards a family member? What do you think the characteristics of a “good” family are?

seeing behind the labels

when i am shooting photography regularly, i am in the habit of seeing. that may sound strange. walking around with my eyes open all day, of course i'm seeing. but i'm talking about seeing beyond passing impressions. i notice the light, i notice expressions, i see relationships. just like when i'm marathon training and i am in better than average fitness, when i'm shooting a lot, i feel my seeing is amped up as well.

the seeing benefits carry over into the other aspects of my life, though. and sometimes they can provide real wakeup calls. since we've been discussing seeing in the past couple blogs, i thought i would explore this a little further. i was listening to one of my running podcasts on one of my weekend runs and the topic was nike's sweatshop practices. yes, several athletic apparel companies have overseas production practices that involve sketchy labor practices, low wages and also, in the case of running shoe manufacturing, create a lot of environmental toxins. but as documented for the past 15 years, nike, which enjoys 45% of the global market and the largest profit margins, has led the way in setting up manufacturing in countries that allow labor abuse (physical violence, intimidation, sexual abuse, starvation wages) and sweatshop conditions to exist.

i have favorite brands for my running gear... found from years of putting gear through the paces and determining what feels and functions best for me and my running habits. but as i was listening to this podcast about team sweat, a non-profit organization dedicated to ending nike's sweatshop abuses and establishing a model for other companies to follow, i looked down to notice the unmistakable swoosh on my shirt. i felt slightly better realizing i own just 4 nike shirts, not that many. but i came home and googled the other brands i typically wear to find that several were also possible sweatshop offenders. the precious two brands that in a cursory search seemed not be tainted by sweatshop involvement are arcteryx (canadian-made) and cw-x (made in the usa).

seeing, really seeing what we support with our consumerism, is a good thing. it's not just clothing. it's the food we buy, the products we apply to our skin and hair, the electronics we use. what is their story? do we see it? do we seek it? if you are interested in learning more about nike's abuses and team sweat, take a look at the short film, behind the swoosh: http://www.teamsweat.org/

seeing behind the labels is a great thing. taking action is an even more important step.

do you value transparency in companies and their values and practices? do you support companies that share your values? what actions can you take to bring your consumer choices in better line with your values?--liz

value of seeing

when i drove an isuzu trooper years ago, i realized on one of my first drives in it that i didn't know where the spare tire was. i remember distinctly driving down the road and scanning in my rear view mirror trying to spy where the spare tire might be hidden. right in plain view, as it turns out. the spare tire was attached to the rear door, fully visible from the rear view mirror. but i didn't see it.

there was an article in the new york times recently in which the reporter observed while sitting for several hours in one room of the louvre museum in paris that most people cruised through snapping photos without even breaking stride. almost no one would stop and really look at any of the art--paintings or sculptures. the notion is that since we've recorded an image of something that we can always refer back to it. we don't need to spend time contemplating the real thing.

as little as a century ago, travelers, museum-goers, readers were exposed to so much less volume of visual consumption than we are today, that they invested far more time, consideration and conversation about such things that they encountered in their lives. perhaps the only reason someone would pass through a chamber in the louvre without breaking stride a century ago would have been to make an emergency exit for some urgent calling.

i wonder what the ramifications are for our present-day habits of seeing without taking things in. if we don't really see what we look at, is it the equivalent of consuming without chewing our food? when we gobble without chewing, we don't get the full nutritional value of what we send to our stomachs. when we don't slow down to really see, to contemplate, to reflect, we miss so much of what's in front of us. we miss out on a good chunk of enjoyment of life. and sometimes we miss out on pretty important basics as well--safety issues, relationship gems or red flags, opportunities or dangers...

how much do you practice seeing?--liz

How Difficult is it to be Gracious? And How Important?

Gracious is defined as: Characterized by kindness and warm courtesy; Characterized by tact and propriety; marked by kindness, sympathy and unaffected politeness.

It is not always easy to be gracious. In the face of adversity it is tough to keep a stiff upper lip and not hang our heads, to not make excuses for a failure, to refrain from pointing out any injustices or perceived injustices that resulted in your not being on the receiving end of whatever “good”  that is happening that you aren’t a part of. I admit that it can be challenging but I think it’s incredibly important to be so. And I think there are times when it’s more important – or more called for – than others.

Most people try to teach their children to be gracious in defeat and in success. That’s what being a good sport is, isn’t it? Or part of it? To be humble and respectful whether you win or lose. Rules have been put in place to try to encourage gracious behavior – or I guess to discourage the opposite. In high school and college sports expectations of all those associated with the game are posted in gyms, programs or are announced over the loud speaker before the competition begins. The rules put in place aim to keep the players, coaches and fans respectful and the game focused on the game. There is no showboating or excessive celebration allowed in the end zone after a touch down or a team can be penalized. In professional sports fines can be and are levied against players who are overly disrespectful to referees, umpires, opposing teams or fans. Spectators are expected to follow rules too – no throwing of debris onto the field, no causing undue conflict in the stands. I have no problem with any of these rules and I think most athletes do not either. They are no-brainers really. Of course in the heat of battle sometimes our emotions get the best of us. That happened to Serena Williams this weekend at the U.S. Open.

In a match that Serena was losing a line judge called a foot fault that Ms. Williams felt was a bad call – actually most who have opined on the call have said the same. She was losing the second set and having lost the first the game was on the line. The tirade she went on included the threatening statement, "I'm going to shove this ball down your f------ throat". That was not all she said either. So, she was issued a penalty point that was given to her opponent which ended the game – Serena lost. On the court and in the court of public opinion, if you ask me. She is an absolutely amazing athlete and has an obvious passion for the game. She is playing in the “big leagues” and a bad call can cost you in a big way. She is competing to reach or hold a number one world ranking. Since she earns her living playing tennis where she is ranked affects endorsements; how she finishes affects her income. I get it, however, all the more reason to keep those emotions under control. She set a poor example and she will pay dearly for it – financially speaking with fines and her character took a hit too. Her initial response to the situation was, “Now that I have had time to gain my composure, I can see that while I don’t agree with the unfair line call, in the heat of battle I let my passion and emotion get the better of me and as a result handled the situation poorly.”  Kind of an understatement. I think she owed an apology to the line judge - hopefully she did that. (At the time of this writing she had not.) Now, people make mistakes, they get riled up and do impulsive things so I don’t think Serena’s overall character should be called into question for this one blow up, however, she needs to be accountable for her behavior and apologize to the line judge and to acknowledge what was wrong about her behavior. She should do this because it’s the right thing to do – not because she was told to do it or suffer whatever penalty may be forthcoming if she doesn’t. I don’t always think famous people owe the public an apology for mistakes or poor judgment calls that occur in their private lives but this was a very public match and I do believe that it is warranted in this case. I think that athletes absolutely have a responsibility to the game, to their fans and to their opponents to play and behave respectfully, even when you don’t agree with an official’s call. Young players who are aspiring to be like you are watching. They need to hear that you crossed a line that shouldn’t have been crossed – that you were wrong in the way you channeled your anger, your passion; that you were way over the line even if your foot wasn’t.

Now, let me move onto another pro-athlete who I think was less than gracious in his moment of glory. The truly amazing Michael Jordan was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame this weekend and he decided in his speech to take a few shots at people who slighted him along the way. Not so very classy. Michael Wilbon, in whose eyes MJ can clearly do no wrong, said he was being “honest” and that we should want that. He referred to his speech as “an entertaining rant”. That’s the positive spin, the “I’m in MJ’s camp” way to put it I guess. To me what it was, for much of the speech anyway, was low class and disrespectful. I would have preferred him be respectful and if being honest on some topics precluded that then zip it on those topics. Let it go already Michael – haven’t you achieved enough to have proven that those oversights and that the stuff you didn’t like or the people who were not fans of yours did nothing to stop you? That, if anything, they fueled your fire even more? Seriously, did you have to have an “I told you so” or “you were wrong” moment at that ceremony? It was disappointing. Now, he was gracious for a while. He just ruined it with the jabs and revisiting moments about which he clearly appeared to be bitter. Did he need to bring dishonor to others in the process of being honored for his achievements? Did he need to call out the people who upset him or slighted him over the years? If those slights motivated him then he could have certainly said that the adversity, challenges, nay-saying, cheap shots – whatever it was – contributed to his success because it made him work harder and strive even more earnestly to be the best. Did he have to name names? To me all that did was show that he is not such a great guy even if he is the greatest – or one of the greatest – players ever. Very disappointing. The other two players inducted – John Stockton and David Robinson – were, by far, much better examples of graciousness in their speeches. Be like Mike? No thank you. I say be more like John or David.

Lastly, what was Kanye West thinking when he went on stage and took the microphone out of Taylor Swift’s hands at the MTV Video Music Awards while she was accepting an award to express his upset that Beyonce’s video did not win? Impolite, disrespectful and thoughtless all come to mind with that ridiculous behavior. (And I agree with Barack Obama’s opinion of why he did it – it was indeed a jacka** move.) How dare him take that moment – that first – away from a girl not even 20 years old yet! He should have been physically removed from the venue. If some fan had rushed the stage to protest her win over Beyonce – or even to applaud it – that’s what would have occurred – the intruder would have been apprehended and physically removed from the stage. Was the win an affront to Kanye as a fan?  Does he think that he’s such a celebrity and his opinion is so important that when something goes against it he feels personally slighted and that he is entitled to interfere with someone else’s special moment to say so? Are you kidding me? He should have been removed. Period. At least the crowd knew he was wrong and booed him. And we did see graciousness from both Taylor Swift, who handled the interruption with an uncommon grace and poise under the circumstances and Beyonce who, when later receiving an award, brought Taylor Swift up on stage so she could have the moment that Kanye stole from her.

I do believe that people in the spotlight, people who children and young adults aspire to be have a responsibility to protect or promote the integrity of the sport or craft in which they are involved. People are watching and they emulate what they see. I believe when these folks falter or fail in a very public way they need to acknowledge it to their public so that we understand, that those who are looking up to them or trying to be like them understand that this is not how to behave; that this is not what they should emulate. Their sport or industry should hold them accountable in some way but they should also be personally accountable and have the courage and graciousness to say “I was wrong”. Young people are incredibly impressionable so don’t underestimate the impact that your actions have on them. We “regular people” need to hear our heroes, those people who we watch on TV and in stadiums and sometimes aspire to be, come out and say “I messed up” when they’ve messed up. And it would be a bonus if they were sincere about it too.

I think Michael Jordan has every right to have felt slighted, frustrated, angry or hurt over the years for things that have happened to him. I think Serena has every right to be angry and frustrated with the call that was made. And Kanye also is entitled to his opinion about who receives an award. Their resultant behaviors, the way in which they chose to express themselves in the venues they were in, however, was disrespectful and more than inappropriate. They should be called out on it by the public, by their sport or managers or industry but more importantly, they should call themselves out on it.

I teach my children – and it’s a never ending lesson that they are still learning and still trying to conquer – that no matter the outcome of a game, no matter the grades on your report card, no matter the size of your house, the brand of your vehicle, the places to where you vacation, the quality of food on your table – that you are to be gracious, grateful and respectful at all times. When you’re losing or winning; when your friends are succeeding in their endeavors while you may be struggling; when someone has been less than kind or overly doting upon you – always be the guy or gal whose character cannot be called into question because of how you responded or behaved. Say “congratulations” and mean it. Say “thank you” and mean it. Say “I’m sorry” and mean it. Or say nothing at all – sometimes that’s the best thing you can do. - AMB

Are you a gracious person? What does it take to be such? When is it or has it been difficult for you to be gracious? How do you handle those times?

Just Call My Name...

I have been debating about writing about Michael Jackson ever since his death. I find him a difficult subject to write about because on the one hand he was an incredible entertainer, a true genius artistically-speaking. Thriller was an album that screams “high school” to me. Songs from that album were played at every dance. At cheerleading camp one summer we learned dance routines to four different songs from that album. More than 25 years later I can still remember the routine that we did to “Beat It” (and no, at 40 I would not for nostalgia-sake or any other reason perform it – some things are better off remaining in the past!) On the other hand, however, he was this bizarre, incomprehensible celebrity who seemed, to those of us on the “outside”, to be going off the deep end. On a professional level he was amazing and deservedly successful yet his personal life was fraught with scandal, accusations, inconceivable financial woes, misguided and/or peculiar choices when it came to his personal appearance, his interactions with others, his children and more. Sometimes it is difficult for me to take a slice of something and focus just on that – I feel like I’m being less than comprehensive if I’m not writing from a total or big picture view. So what to do? I decided I wanted to write about one of my favorite songs of his and what its message means to me.

 

I am sure I am not alone in my choice of I’ll Be There as my favorite Michael Jackson song. I guess technically it is a Jackson Five song. You Are Not Alone is another of my favorites and a bona fide Michael Jackson song. The messages of both are similar so clearly the song lyrics play a significant role in my fondness for these songs.

 

Both of these songs convey to me a message of love, of loyalty, of devotion. That no matter how near or far someone is physically, that no matter how crowded the room is that you are in or if you are by yourself with not a soul around for miles, that someone is there for you; that you are there for someone else. Being there doesn’t mean someone is sitting beside you nor does it involve any physical exchange of affection or even require any sort of tangible interaction – it is a state that exists within our hearts. I think that really being there for someone comes from within us. It is unselfish. It is founded in love. It transcends being generous, thoughtful and considerate. It is powerful support.  It also takes trust, understanding, confidence and strength to accept being there in heart and spirit as enough when there is nothing else – when that person you want or need cannot be there physically for you.  Just knowing has to be enough and that can be tough.

 

I think when someone is really there for another person it can mean many things. I think what we all need to remember is that being there physically isn’t always as important, as a matter of fact it is quite often much less important, as being there emotionally for another. When you say “I’ll be there” it may mean that you’ll be thinking about that person, that you care, that you will be cheering them on, hoping for the best for them, missing them, remembering them, worrying about them, smiling over memories with them or loving them. Being there doesn’t always require a situational or physical closeness but it always requires a closeness of hearts. –AMB

 

What do you mean when you say you’ll be there for someone else? What does it involve you doing? Who are you there for? Do they know it? Who is there for you? How do you know?

Where Happiness is Found

I read the book Revolutionary Road recently on vacation. I have not yet seen the movie based on the book but I want to. Of course, I rarely fully appreciate any film I’ve seen based on books I’ve read and enjoyed because I focus on all the things that are left out, have been changed or are otherwise unrepresentative of the novel in some way. I realize I am not being fair or tolerant of these movies for I know it’s very difficult to convey in a movie all that a book encompasses. I am very demanding. I do know that and yet I still don’t cut movies based on books a break too often. Sometimes I feel the actors that are cast do not adequately represent the characters in the book or are what I envisioned while reading the book. I can be rather critical. But this is not about how the book was adapted for the screen, it’s about the book and the main focus, or what I saw as the main focus – a look at the suburbs in America. I live in the suburbs as do many people so I found it interesting, fascinating and relevant, even though the book was written in the 1960s about suburban life in the 1950s.

I have no intention of writing a book review here, I just want to take some observations from the book and some I’ve seen in real life and throw them out there as food for thought. Perhaps make you think about why you do whatever it is you do – no matter where you live, be it the suburbs, in the city, on a 100 acre ranch or wherever. It seems to me that people think there is this formula for happiness or success. That if you live in a certain sized house, a particular zip code, drive a certain kind of car, have a certain number of children, pets and material objects with a green, tended to lawn and a life that includes enough diversions to be “interesting” then you are successful and happy. I think the book takes on this idea of conformity, the idea that “keeping up with the Jones’” is what we are to strive for where Mr. & Mrs. Jones are some couple in the community who seem to have their act together or have a good life or look happy or whatever. I say “whatever” because I really don’t know what it is that could possibly be driving people to do what they do other than their own happiness, their own interests, love or desire for someone or something in their life. People end up “in a rut”, they follow routine and go about their daily lives like life is one big checklist. At the end of the day whatever didn’t get checked off gets added to the next day’s list. Is this really living? Is this what makes you happy?

Now, my life is surely a list of daily checklists too - practices, lessons, appointments and commitments. Kids go to school, adults go to work, houses get clean, lawns get mowed, events are attended, doctors are visited, dirty clothes get washed. These are not things we can avoid nor things we necessarily want to avoid but it’s not what I’d call really living. At least the checking off part isn't living. The real living lies in the things that move us, the things that make us feel happy or good or bring us pleasure in one way or another. The living lies in the way we view things that we do, the way we feel or what we take the time to feel as we move about our days. I have been moved at my child's piano lesson. Doing laundry, well, not so much but everything can't be moving or bring us meaning. I'm not saying that. Some things do, indeed, just need to get done - they are things might make the living part easier or better in some way. But trying to apply a formula to one’s life that works for everyone is crazy, but isn’t that what many of us do? We do things because they are “expected” or “it’s what we’ve always done” or “we said that we would”. Why is that? Now, I’m not suggesting we shirk our responsibilities – not at all – we have to be accountable but we don’t have to be unhappy in the process or do things robotically without thinking or trying to derive a little happiness out of some of the mundane tasks we take on.

I found Revolutionary Road to be a tragic book. There were some real heart-wrenching moments in it. It was more than sad to read of couples who were disinterested in one another. Who were going through the motions in their lives, doing what was expected of them or what they thought was the right thing to do per the rules of suburbia. There were people trying too hard to be something that they really weren’t, people who worried too much about what other people thought, people who tried to cover up the faults of others or portray them in ways that made them “look better” or people who seemed not to care about anyone or anything. The book may have been written more than 40 years ago but it still rings true today. How many of us worry about what the neighbors might think? How many of us are looking to follow rather than to lead? How many of us feel in our hearts one thing but do something completely different? In 1999 the book’s author, Richard Yates was quoted on his central theme: "If my work has a theme, I suspect it is a simple one: that most human beings are inescapably alone, and therein lies their tragedy." I saw that theme very clearly in the book. Is that true? Are most of us really inescapably alone? If that’s true then can’t we do something about that? I suppose we’d have to recognize it first in order to do something about it. First, we need to stop blaming the suburbs or anything else for our unhappiness, identify what it is that will make us truly happy and embrace that or go after it. Living a “good” or “moral” or “fine” life does not make it a happy one. Not to be a downer here but we tack these labels onto things – adjectives that themselves are positive – and expect that if we can label things in our life with these adjectives then happiness ensues. There are aspects of our lives that contribute to our being satisfied or even happy but true happiness comes from within ourselves.

Think about moments of true happiness or pleasure you’ve had. Was everything perfect? Were you in a grand house or locale surrounded by perfect lighting and lovely accoutrements? I actually think most if not all of my happiest moments can be linked to other people or pets or maybe even when I’ve been alone but where something that moved me emotionally was involved. The setting itself isn’t what made me happy. What I was wearing or how put together I was had nothing to do with it either. The length of the lawn that day or the weather or the car I was driving or the home I was living in were pretty much irrelevant.

Here are a handful of settings where I have experienced some of my happiest moments – some recent, some many, many years ago:

§       in a hospital room.

§       in my car in a parking lot.

§       sitting on a big, craggy rock.

§       on the beach.

§       in the rain.

§       on a high school track.

§       in a pit of sand.

§       outside of a Cathedral in Spain.

§       on my family room couch.

§       in an art museum in Paris.

§       in my kitchen.

§       on an elementary school stage.

§       in a country stream.

§       in a tiny, old efficiency apartment.

§       walking in the woods.

In these moments I have been:

§       exhausted.

§       without make-up, in need of a shower and with not a hair in place.

§       in pain.

§       sun burnt.

§       homesick.

§       in love.

§       pensive.

§       emotional.

§       in awe.

§       surprised.

§       sick.

What all of these moments have in common is that not a single material thing was involved in my happiness. The happiness I felt in every situation came from something far more important than anything money can buy. People have contributed to this happiness, nature, animals, something aesthetically pleasing or something within me has caused it. I’m not against material things but I just think we need keep our lives in perspective. Without money I would not have found myself in Spain or France BUT what is important to note is that while I experienced very happy moments there they were due to something that came from within me. I recognize that I could have had a similarly happy moment without having to get on a plane and travel to a foreign country. That’s what I think people are missing. Big, pretty, expensive, exclusive, prestigious are not synonyms for happy. Happiness is not a superficial emotion so let’s remember that the superficial rarely plays much of a role in providing it. - AMB

Do you attach happiness to superficial things or inanimate objects? If so, how is it that those things make you happy? What or who makes you truly happy?

commercial values?

i was curious what kind of values advertisers are espousing these days. the media seems omnipresent in our days--between TV, radio, the web, twitter, podcasts and movies--i suspect the majority of our waking hours are infiltrated by some form of media communication...and some sort of advertisement. with headlines focusing us on the economic crisis and better living through real food, i wondered if perhaps advertisers were capitalizing on our current concerns and tailoring their campaigns to address a shift in values--more frugality, more health-oriented benefits.

i conducted a very informal survey of television commercials. i watched an hour of television at 9 AM, 4PM, and 10PM, covering both cable and network. the majority of the commercials were for food, household items and beauty items, in that order. what i found confounding was that the majority of the commercials had no clearly identifiable slogan, tagline or value statement. out of 74 commercials, only 11 had easy to identify slogans. the majority of the commercials bombarded viewers with an onslaught of information (i was amazed at what they conveyed in 30 seconds) presented with on-screen graphics that competed with the voice-over. more often than not, i wasn't sure what the benefits of the product were. at times i wasn't sure what the product was until the last 10 seconds.

the one consistency i did notice was that when there was a slogan it was most often 5-7 syllables. the overriding sense i took from this exercise was confusion--in the benefits being sold; in the values being marketed.

i came away from this informal observational exercise about what values we are told to value with more questions than answers. does media reflect our values? or does media create our values? and if they create them, what values are the commercials selling? what values are we listening to? what values are we buying? how is the media influencing our values?

which got me thinking about whether and how much advertisers influence my values... and am i comfortable with that. are you?--liz