The Values Gals

honesty as value worth preserving: liespotting

i saw this ted talks video by the author of liespotting, pamela meyer, on spotting the lies we tell each other every day. some are "harmless" while others are deadly. the shocker to me was that we lie on average between 10-200 times each day. seems an astronomical number. and it awakens many queries:

• how much room is left in there for truth telling?
• are we a culture that is already far down the slippery slope of embracing deception as the norm?
• what value do we put on truth? and before we can truly answer that question, i think we must look keenly at our own proclivity to truth tell or to deceive.
• how many falsehoods do we project daily?
• what qualifies in our minds as making lying acceptable?
• if we value our relationships, do we value truth in them?
• do our actions match our perceptions of ourselves?
• where do we now draw the line in terms of truth v. deception?

liz

 

 

 

being great means...

NBA superstar grant hill shared that one of the most valuable lessons he learned on the basketball court and in life is: being great means elevating everyone on your team.

our team, our family, our village create the support necessary to enable members to be their best and to rise higher than they may have been otherwise able. superstars don't exist in a vacuum. they are elevated by their team. and when their focus is on elevating everyone on their team, everyone's performance is elevated.

being great is not solely an inward self-focus. being great involves an outward focus.

whether your team is in a sport, around the kitchen table, around the conference table, if you value greatness, focus on elevating those around you. that energy comes back to you, so what you put out to your team, you will experience as well.

where can you be greater?

liz

celebrating the value of mindfulness

life is in a swirl of productivity these days. projects are all ramping up at once. pup ernie requires consistent training and attention to keep his needs met and his positive forward momentum in a good groove. my squeeze and i carve out time together to stay grounded and connected. sleep is in short supply. meals are often unconstructed. yoga is inconsistent.

it is precisely in this miasma of life that i want to ground my daily intentions in celebration. in focusing on moments to celebrate in each day, i see more of what is magical about each day rather than getting swamped by the work of addressing the most urgent items of each day and reshuffling the rest.

celebrating mindfulness is monday's intention. mindfulness can come into play with something as seemingly inconsequential as brushing my teeth (i take my dental health for granted and i am quite certain i don't brush for 2 minutes or whatever the advised duration is) or as critical as refueling the creative well and tapping into our inspirational sources so that we can answer tomorrow's creative requests with energy. i practice mindfulness with noticing how the ground feels beneath my feet (literally helps ground me), and with rousing games of rope toy with ernie (being mindful about play throughout the day adds verve and reminds me that interludes from work are essential).

when i completely focus on the seeming little things--the intermissions from professional and domestic to-dos--i remember that the little things are the memorable moments. the stolen treasures that conjure smiles years later. when we choose to be fully absorbed in these moments, mindfulness transforms what we might have otherwise overlooked or taken for granted into a celebration. and there are endless opportunities for both mindfulness and celebration, no matter how stuffed our daily agenda looks.

liz

Happiness - Dogs Get It

Happiness can be found in simple things. I need look no further than my own family room or living room right now to be reminded of this. By whom? My two dogs. Making my way from my office to the kitchen just a bit ago I had to smile as I saw both of them splayed out in the warm rays of sunlight shining in through the windows. I wanted to lie down with them but they were asleep and I recall something about letting sleeping dogs lie.

I’ve shared most of my life with a dog – and at times – many dogs. I’ve had fat dogs and skinny dogs. Small dogs, medium sized dogs and one big dog (the sweetest and gentlest of the bunch). These dogs came from various sources – pet stores, breeders, rescue organizations or they literally wandered into our lives after having been lost or intentionally left to fend for themselves along the rural roads we lived along or drove every day. And the one thing I’ve learned from all of these dogs is that it doesn’t take much to make them happy; that they can find joy – even be seemingly elated – by the smallest of gestures. And in this way they are far superior to us humans.

I know, I know. Dogs are not as complex as humans. It’s not an apples to apples comparison. True. True. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t learn something from them. In fact, they can teach us about a lot of important values: happiness, loyalty,friendship, compassion, empathy and love. Not too shabby for a not-so-complex creature. But let’s stick to happiness.

What makes a dog happy? A ray of sunlight. Some food. An occasional treat. A little pat on the head or scratch behind the ears from time to time. Perhaps a soft place to rest his wiggly, waggy body at the end of the day. And if you want to make him truly joyful – go away for a little bit and then come back home. Man, it’s like getting a doggie standing ovation when you walk in the door. When I think of who has been the happiest to see me after I have been away for a while the answer is a dog. At least if I’m judging based on the outward response to my presence – in that case hands down a dog has always been the happiest to see me.

I think that in our complex lives our dogs can be reminders to us to remember that moments of happiness are all around us; that small pleasures can be found when someone walks through our door or in a blue,cloudless sky. My dogs themselves are the source of many smiles in my day – the way my Chip’s tail wags in a circle like a helicopter when he’s really excited or how Alvin comes to my office door and does his Alvin dance imploring me to let him out or give him a treat – these moments make me smile, they make me happy.

The one thing that I can say about all of the dogs I’ve lived with throughout my life is that they never once failed to show their happiness when they felt it nor exhibit their appreciation for me or for something I did. I wish I could say the same for all the humans I know. Dogs may be simple creatures but we humans would be wise to follow their lead every once and a while. -AMB

Got Anger? Get Rid of It.

I don’t consider myself an angry person or a person who is easily angered. I am impatient and I do think I am easily annoyed but I wouldn’t say that I am angry very often or that when I am I hold onto to it for long or have difficulty controlling how I behave as a result. I am glad for that. Wow, what an unproductive emotion. It’s unavoidable at times and sometimes our getting angry can result in our taking actions that result in something good…if we manage that anger properly. I recently was witness to someone’s anger, however, that was managed about as poorly as possible, which is to say, not at all, and it had quite an negative impact – not only on him but on all those who were witness to it.

No emotion “stands alone”. We don’t just feel love and give love with nothing else happening at the same time. Love begets kindness, generosity, happiness, compassion and gratitude. And we are not the only beneficiaries – those around us and to whom these values are being projected upon also
benefit. Anger, on the other hand, begets incivility, rudeness, meanness and irrationality. It can steamroll into something very ugly and very unproductive. It can damage or even sever relationships. It makes us feel bad, emotionally and often physically too and those who are on the receiving end of our anger – or just bearing witness to it – are also impacted negatively. What I witnessed gave me a terrible impression of the angry person – it made me question what type of person he might be on a good day – and if on a good day he might still operate with an angry undertone at the helm. My gut reaction to this person? Well, I determined that he was not someone worth knowing or interacting with on any level. If I saw him out in public I’d change course and head in another direction. He certainly made an impression, just not one of a positive ilk.

Something that witnessing this behavior reminded me of is that directing anger towards people is so not the way to go. No doubt we get angry at people but it’s normally an action, inaction or behavior that is at the root of our anger. Isn’t it better to talk about the issue itself? Isn’t that what is more likely to solve the problem? If someone said to me “you make me so angry” I would need to know how or why in order to correct the problem, right? I mean surely my – or anyone’s – mere existence isn’t the problem so why do we so often blame a person or a group of people when we are mad? Of course
sometimes it’s quite obvious what the problem is but in an emotionally charged situation – good or bad – most people are not thinking with a completely clear mind. Getting to the root of why an action was/was not taken is the only way to prevent it from happening again or to rectify whatever issues were the result of what was or wasn’t done.

So why is it that when we are angry we immediately look to assign blame to someone or group of someones? That really doesn’t get us anywhere. In fact, it often makes the situation worse. Knowing who a responsible party is for a mistake is, perhaps, important or necessary in the process of preventing repeated mistakes but instead of focusing on who is to blame, shouldn’t we focus more on the problem, issue, action or behavior that resulted in our anger? Isn’t that where our energy should be primarily focused?

Anger is an ugly, unproductive emotion. When you let anger lead in your communications with others or in the way you function on a day-to-day basis you are limiting yourself – and others – greatly. People will not want to interact with you, people will not want to work with or for you, people will
not feel inclined to assist you if asked or try to ease your load if they notice you could use some help. Your behavior results in a label of “angry guy” or “angry woman” and then that is who you become. People may not go out of their way to exclude you (although some will) but they certainly won’t go out of their way to include you. As Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” I don’t know about you but I don’t like being burned. -AMB

best health: habituate happiness and practice gratitude

goldie hawn had her life figured out from the age of 11. she said that she knew then that her single intention in life was to be happy. sure, the vision she had then for the specifics of her life (dance instructor, married, picket fence) transformed as she discovered her natural ability on screen to make people laugh and her path led her to a career in film. but the happiness intention stayed a constant.

goldie, who seems as sunny and healthy as a person could be, says her two core principles for living a healthy happy life are to:

• habituate happiness and
• practice gratitude throughout each day.

joy and happiness, she says, and embodying those feelings are our choice. we can choose to see the joy and happiness and we can choose to habitually come from those places and generate those feelings. gratitude is nothing short of life transformational. it's great to think of reasons we are thankful but to act on that, to express that is powerful. both happiness and gratitude shift the neurobiology in our brains and bodies, creating a better brew of hormones that reduces the toxic effects brought on by chronic stress and crafts a healthier internal mix. gratitude, she said, literally gets people out of their depression beds.

following our own internal voice, how she lives her life, is also a core key to our best health and happiness. habituate happiness and practice daily gratitude. no time like the present!

liz

cooperation or competition

i watched a fascinating documentary over the holidays, i am, that examined foundational questions about our values as individuals and as a culture. it was an eye-opening film that warranted multiple viewings so i could absorb its offerings.

one of the key questions was: are we predisposed to be in cooperation or competition? present-day media would definitely supply us with endless examples of how we are geared to be in competition with each other. mostly in all superficial ways: money, beauty, fitness, education, fashion, home/car--all outer trappings. and this internalized sense of competition serves to isolate us--pitting us against others on many levels.

but the film identifies several studies in the animal world and cites earlier cultures as espousing a cooperative way of living. the science goes so far as to say that it's in our genes, we are hard-wired to cooperate. darwin mentioned survival of the fittest twice in his treatise, descent of man, but spoke of the observation of love 95 times. he noted sympathy as being the strongest characteristic in human nature. we have evolved to be good to others, to be in true community, for strong survival reasons. we depend on each other for support, for identity, for survival.

yes, we are both cooperative and competitive. but which value do you embody? and are you happy with that choice? would you choose differently and if so, what will you commit to do to make that transformation?

happy new year! liz

Be Generous

Walking through a mall and looking at the crowded parking lots outside of stores one can see how the approaching holidays have caused us to be generous with our spending. This time of year people are in a giving mood – there is gift giving, of course, and the donation of food, clothing and toys to those who are in need – but there are other ways in which we can give of ourselves. I think we often forget that being generous doesn’t require an outlay of cash or the giving of a physical item. We needn’t reserve our generosity for holidays and birthdays and events where it’s a tradition to give some sort of gift in honor of the occasion.

I received a card from one of my students at the end of a class I taught this fall thanking me for all that I taught her. She also wrote that she wished she could have bought me a gift but that she wasn’t able to but she hoped that I knew how much she appreciated me. Her words were, in fact, a gift to me and I wrote her a note telling her so. One of the topics I cover in the class she took – a leadership class – is generosity. As soon as I mention the word and ask the students how leaders can be generous they seem a little perplexed because the image that came to mind upon hearing that word is of someone who gives a lot of some “thing” – gifts, money, material objects of some sort – to another. But then I explain to them the ways in which we can be generous that cost nothing but that are invaluable. The advice I shared with them – written below – is what I try to remember all year long. It not only helps you be a better leader, it makes you a better person.

Be generous with your time. Stop typing on the computer long enough to listen to something that happened to your child at school. Run to the store for a sick neighbor. Volunteer in a classroom or for an organization that needs help. Write a letter to an aging relative. Return the phone call or email to that friend who reached out to you. We all have commitments that keep us extraordinarily busy but when someone needs help, wishes to talk, asks for advice or just wants to share some space with you, give it to them; give them your time.

Be generous with your words. Don’t leave anything important left unsaid. If it’s good, say it. If it’s going to brighten the day or another, say it. If it’s going to help someone forget they are sad, lonely, uncertain about something, feeling left out or stressed then say it. Not too many people tire of hearing words that make them feel happy, loved, needed, appreciated, respected or valuable on some level so articulate those feelings when you have them.

Be generous with your knowledge. So often people are very protective of their knowledge - especially in the workplace. They feel that this knowledge is an asset – and while it is, it does less good and provides less benefit to an organization as a whole if it is not shared. Sharing your knowledge – whether it’s with peers in the workplace, your children, friends, neighbors, whomever – is good for everyone. A more knowledgeable workforce usually results in greater productivity and efficiencies which often leads to greater profits. Sharing our knowledge helps children learn, it may help neighbors avoid using an unreliable contractor, it can help friends make better choices about myriad things.

Be generous with your silence. I know I just said to be generous with your words but sometimes it’s silence that is needed. Listen. Listen well. Really listen, don’t just nod and say “uh huh” in all the right places. Be a good listener to those who seek out your ear and be generous with your silence, very mindfully choosing how and when to contribute your words. Let others have the floor – to either shine in their moment or to allow them to share what they feel they need to share with you.

Be generous with your talents and abilities. We are all good at something. When we think of “talent” we often think of musical talent or artistic talent but a talent needn’t be something that is performed. Thankfully or I’d be talentless! You may be a good people-person, or a very organized event planner. Some folks have mad computer skills while others are good with their hands and can build or fix just about anything. Things we don’t often think of as talents really are to those of us who lack those skills. If you know how to “fix something” and someone needs something fixed, offer to do it for them. Show your child or a friend of your child how to swing a bat properly or shoot a basketball if you see that need or are asked for that help. When a call is made for people who can run events or create certain types of documents or who can physically do certain things and you fit the bill, step up and contribute. What good are your talents and abilities if you never share them with others?

Most of us associate a dollar sign with the word generosity but there are countless, and often better, ways to be generous every single day. It just takes a little noticing and thinking of others. - AMB

ego, meet gratitude

a trait that puts my nerves on edge is ego. as soon as it feels like someone needs to call attention to themselves and repeatedly pat themselves on the back, my respect for them ebbs. it's all relative, of course, but there are people who just seem to have insufferable egos who feel the need to verbally flash neon signs extolling their accolades. i generally find a way to exit the conversation or the vicinity at that point.

ego is offputting to me because it feels as if someone's motive for doing something fabulous was all external--recognition, praise, awe, fame. perhaps those with large egos have equally grand insecurities.

but since i am aware that what irritates me in others is often a reflection of what might also irritate me about myself, i am turning a newly opened eye to my own feelings, when they arise, of patting myself on the back. yes, i think for jobs well done, it's fantastic to throw an inner celebration. and maybe even do a happy dance. but to boast or feel any puffed up sense of pride or inflated sense of worth about it borders on dicey ego territory.

so when i get compliments on a job well done, for example, i immediately ground in gratitude. gratitude is my source. there is always a collective of conditions and support that enable us, even if our accomplishment might appear to be an individual effort. i'm grateful to have done good work. i'm grateful to work with people who i want to do my best for and with. i'm grateful to have work. i'm grateful for challenges and for the opportunity to be creative.

and then there are always my foundational gratitudes, which are i am grateful for good health, good fortune, loving family and friends, wonderful support in life, for my pups, for continuing to stretch and grow, and for getting back on track when i stumble.

so with all the gratitude going on, there is no room for ego. ego is empty calories with no sustenance and potential cavities. ego is cotton candy... with a sugar crash to follow. gratitude is fortifying--it is both poached salmon AND dark chocolate brownies.

ego, meet gratitude.

liz

beliefs-values-destiny

i came across this quote from gandhi on the relationship between our beliefs, our values and our destiny.

think our values are not mission critical for our best lives? values are an essential link in our chain. when we think about how we behave and what our values are, it's helpful to realize they are a compass for the kind of life we live and whether we live to our fullest and richest potentials. perhaps the best gift we can give ourselves for the holidays is to be reflective and thoughtful about our values and how they impact our lives.

liz