The Values Gals

being great means...

NBA superstar grant hill shared that one of the most valuable lessons he learned on the basketball court and in life is: being great means elevating everyone on your team.

our team, our family, our village create the support necessary to enable members to be their best and to rise higher than they may have been otherwise able. superstars don't exist in a vacuum. they are elevated by their team. and when their focus is on elevating everyone on their team, everyone's performance is elevated.

being great is not solely an inward self-focus. being great involves an outward focus.

whether your team is in a sport, around the kitchen table, around the conference table, if you value greatness, focus on elevating those around you. that energy comes back to you, so what you put out to your team, you will experience as well.

where can you be greater?

liz

What Are We Supposed to Do?

Joe Paterno says he regrets that he didn’t do more,referring to not doing anything more than telling his superiors about the alleged sexual abuse of boys by his one-time defensive coordinator, Jerry Sandusky. He said, “I did what I was supposed to do”, referring to having told his superiors. Well…what I take issue with is his feeling that what he was “supposed to do” when told about a possible child rape by one of his coaches was to tell his superiors and be done with it. What are we supposed to do when faced with something that horrible? So many people are saying that we really don’t know what we’d do if we were in that situation. Really? I do. It’s a child. I have no doubt that I wouldn’t basically be saying “well, I told my boss, it’s no longer my problem.” Seriously? Certainly there is a lot to this story, and by no means are the crimes that Sandusky committed against children Paterno’s fault, but didn’t he have an obligation to ensure that the issue was properly reported? Didn’t he have a responsibility to ensure that this man, who was bringing children onto his field and into his locker room, was not abusing them in any way? That was “his house” – shouldn’t he know what’s going on in
it, isn’t that part of his job as head coach? Shouldn’t he have been a little more hands-on? What are we really “supposed to do” in that situation? To attempt to absolve yourself of responsibility or defend your action/inaction by basically citing some University handbook or policy is absurd. Sure, legally, in the state of PA, he did all he was “supposed” to do. Not sure that would help me sleep at night.

Now, I have nothing against Joe Paterno and certainly don’t want to come across as blaming him. The real criminal is Jerry Sandusky and then there are also the people who did fail to report things to a higher authority – they are also being charged. But Paterno should have done more. Even if he wasn’t legally required to tell authorities, why wouldn’t he? Or at least find out if his superiors did? This wasn’t a case of someone stealing some sports equipment, this was the molestation or rape of a child. The former you might let someone else worry about, I’m not sure how you could avoid worrying
about the latter.

It shocks me to read how many people don’t report cases of suspected abuses against children – or anyone for that matter. I have on more than one occasion injected myself into what seemed like a precarious situation for a child, usually in an attempt to calm what I viewed as an overstressed
mother who was losing control. My saying “hey, do you need some help” has, on more than one occasion, seemed to lower the stress of the moment. Other times I think inserting myself into something that some might view as none of my business has been a reminder that someone else is watching – and that that someone else might do more than just say something – they might take down a license plate number or call the authorities. Knowing that someone else is watching may help bring about some self-control or maybe it does nothing more than delay an abuse until later but I – a person who tends to avoid interacting with other people – could not walk past these incidents – or potential incidents – without attempting to do some good for that child. That’s how I know I wouldn’t, for one second, hesitate to act upon seeing or hearing of a child in even graver danger. So yes, Paterno, in my opinion, deserves to be fired. He may have followed “the rules” but he had a tremendous values failure. It was not “right” to just adhere to the basic requirements of some policy. If he had thought for one minute about what he would have done had that been his child I bet his response and actions would have been completely different. When we look at matters so impersonally or as not our business – which so many of us do – it’s easy to not get involved or to do the bare minimum that we are “supposed to do”. But if we make it personal – if we picture that boy in the shower being sexually abused as our son or our nephew or our best friend’s child then we will likely have the answer to what we should do. Reporting it to our superiors is just one of the things we’d do not the only thing.

So while statistics show that most people would have done what Joe Paterno did were they in his position, I have difficulty accepting that. Aren’t we better than that? I would hope so. And maybe that’s all I can really do is hope. So if that’s the case then I hope I will never be in a situation where I regret that I didn’t do more. I hope that I will always act to defend the defenseless; doing what I know in my heart is the right thing. I hope that I will never be satisfied doing what I was supposed to do if it doesn’t result in proper or just actions. I hope that I will never be a party to another’s suffering by failing to act. And I hope that anyone who sees a child in danger – or even thinks they are seeing a child in danger – will do something – no, not just something – I hope that they will do everything that they can to try to ensure that child is safe and protected. Why? Because that is what I think we are supposed to do. - AMB

What Have You Left Unfinished?

I happened to watch the television show “How I Met Your Mother” the other night (10/4) while working out in my basement. The character Ted, at the end, is giving a lecture to his college class about the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona, Spain (one of my all time favorite cities, by the way). The Sagrada Familia is an unfinished church in Barcelona by Antonio Gaudí that remains such as he was hit and killed by a tram leaving the work site of the church. As Ted is speaking about the church he says that it usually isn’t being hit by a bus that keeps something from being completed but that, “Most of the time it’s too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It’s only once you’ve stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it. But it’s always there. And until you finish it, it will always be…” And he never finishes his sentence as he is runs out of class to take care of something he left unfinished but of course the missing word is “unfinished”.

 I actually have lots of unfinished stuff right now. My house is half clean; my office is partially organized; half of the clean clothes in the laundry basket still need to be put away; I have a few blog entries to wrap up – you get the picture. We all have “stuff” that we don’t finish or that sort of stays in constant state of needing some kind of attention. At least I do. There is always a dirty dish, something that needs cleaning or straightening, words that need to be written, people who need to be called. I do my best, however, to make sure what goes unfinished is not of major consequence; that all the important stuff gets done. That is not always the case and we don’t always see or get what is the most important. Or maybe we do but we just talk ourselves into believing that it doesn’t matter or it isn’t as important as we thought or we conveniently immerse ourselves in our busy lives. What this often leads to, however, is regret.

 Now, it is not always possible to get from point A to point B in a straight line. I’d say much of the time it’s not. No matter how much we plan or how organized, focused and determined we are, things happen that throw us off that obstacle-free path peppering it with, well, obstacles. We vow to lose a certain amount of weight and stop short of our goal. We vow to exercise more regularly but succeed in only logging sporadic visits to the gym. We vow to be a better friend, reach out more to family, volunteer in our communities, take a class of some sort, learn to do something new, find a new job, travel more or to some specific locale…the list goes on and on of what might be unfinished in our lives. The reasons for our stopping short of our goals are varied and many. Sometimes putting something on hold or taking another path makes sense or there was not other option but often I think we are just taking the easy way out.

 I believe that most of us diverge from or redraw the paths we have plotted in our minds at some point in time. It’s inevitable – marriages, children, divorces, and many other significant events occur that alter our courses. It is therefore understandable that we take some boiling pots and put them on the back burner for a while. But sometimes we leave them there too long, until the sizzle is gone or until we have forgotten what we were even cooking to begin with. Sometimes this is okay. Life changes and with that comes changes to our goals. We grow, we learn, we discover. One interest frequently supplants another. But something we should never do is forget about the stuff we really wanted to do or the stuff that was and is still important to us. The only people, though, who can really tell us if we have unfinished business is ourselves. We have to look in the mirror and ask if we like what we see. We have to have talks with ourselves and ask if we like what we hear. We have to look around and ask if we think we are where we belong, if something or someone is missing. It is then that we will know whether or not we have anything left to finish.

Back in the 9^th grade (a very long time ago) at a track meet my coach put me in the fast heat of the 100 meter hurdles. I did not welcome this challenge. I had become very comfortable winning the slow heats and in this particular meet it would be the fastest of the fast heats we’d run against that year. I was horrified to be running against four seniors, three of whom had track scholarships lined up, one of whom was also headed to compete in the Olympic Trials. And then there was me. I had only recently mastered taking just three steps in between each hurdle when my coach threw me into this situation. She told me I needed to be pushed. I was stagnating competing against slower runners. I was not happy but I had no choice. It started off well. We were all even for a couple of hurdles and with three hurdles left in the race I was tied with one of the scholarship girls, beating my non-scholarship teammate (who I had never bested before) and not quite a hurdle behind the other two. But my three steps were a bit of a struggle as I went to go over the second to last hurdle and my trail leg clipped the hurdle. I went down hard. My knees and hands took the brunt of the fall which kept my face from hitting the pavement – the only thing I was thankful for at that moment. I really don’t know what happened – clipping my trail leg shouldn’t have caused me to wipe out like that, but wipe out I did. All I remember thinking as I was lying there was how I didn’t want to get up. Ever. If winter had arrived just then and covered me completely with snow I would have been thrilled. Did it feel too difficult to get up? Yes. Too scary? Yes. Too lots of things. But then I heard my coach screaming at me to “GET UP, GET UP, GET UP.” So I got up, stood there for a second (painfully aware of the silence and everyone’s eyes on me) and heard her scream “FINISH” which immediately became the worst F-word I had ever heard. But she was my coach so I very gracelessly loped over the last hurdle to cross the finish line in what would be my worst ever time in that race albeit my most memorable. Blood was running down my leg from the scrape on my knee, tiny pieces of asphalt were sticking to my hands, legs and uniform and the lump in my throat was growing larger by the second as I did everything in my power to suppress my urge to cry – not because I was hurt but because I had, in my mind, failed miserably and very publicly. I felt like I had let my coach down, that I proved to her only that I couldn’t compete against the faster girls. As my coach quickly looked at my knee and picked a few pieces of asphalt out of my hands, I said, “Are you mad at me because I fell” and she said “No, you were doing great, better than I expected” and I said “But I fell. And I’ve never heard you yell at me like that” and she said “I wanted you to get up and finish the race. You always finish the race if you can. Always. And I knew you could so I was yelling at you to get up. You must finish.” I said “Oh,” satisfied that she wasn’t angry with me, then started to walk off the track to go clean up before my next race. But she caught me by the upper arm and said, “Where are you going? Go run your lap.” and I said “But I’m bleeding” and she said “We’ll clean you up after you run” and as she gave me an encouraging slap on the back (and believe me, I wanted to slap her back). She said “Finish. You aren’t done until you run that lap. Your teammates waited for you. Go.” I used to think that I never forgot that story because it was a horrifying – if not the most horrifying moment – on the track but I don’t think that is the case. I don’t just remember the fall and how that made me feel – I remember everything she said to me about finishing the race, about finishing what you start. I’ve told that story to my kids when they’ve wanted to quit something or not try something because it was too hard or might be difficult or embarrassing or otherwise not ideal. In the end I was glad I finished that race. It might have been the worst time I ever got but it was also the biggest ovation I ever got. Getting up was a bigger accomplishment than winning. And I guess that makes sense. I did, in fact, learn way more from losing that race than I did from any of the ones that I would later win – I had hadn’t failed miserably as I thought I had, I finished the race and that itself made it a success.—AMB

What have you left unfinished? How do you think it will make you feel if you finish what you started or reach the goal you set? What can you or will you do to tie up those loose ends, reach that goal you set but have yet to achieve or finish what you started?

What Keeps You Going?

Last Saturday I ran in a 5K race with my daughter Claire. It marked the end of her Girls on the Run Fall program. This is the third time she has participated, the first time being last Fall when she was 8. This year she felt like a veteran. What was new, however, was the rain and snow on race day.

 

I must say, I was not pleased when I saw the weather forecast predicting the wintry mix for race day. Nor was I pleased with how confident the meteorologists were in their predictions. I kept waiting for the inevitable “as you know, the models can change” so I’d have a shred of hope that we’d stay dry for the race but no such luck, they were pretty certain. At 5:45 a.m. the morning of the race I woke to the sounds of rain on the roof. Reluctantly I got up and got ready and then woke up Claire who did the same. We arrived around 7:15 for the race which didn’t start until 8:30. We stood in the cold and rain for over an hour with several thousand other girls and their buddy runners waiting for the race to begin. About fifteen minutes before we were to head to the starting line another runner noticed that the “rain” on my jacket was actually ice. Soon after large snowflakes began to fall mixed in with the rain.

 

Needless to say these were not ideal conditions but interestingly I don’t recall hearing a single complaint. Sure, prior to the race many of us talked about how we wished it wasn’t raining or so cold or were expressing jealousy over those we left behind at home in warm, dry beds but the mood was positive. My daughter was talking and laughing with a friend as we waited. People were taking photos of smiling runners whose smiles remained long after the camera click. As the precipitation increased people became anxious to get the race started but there was no pushing or shoving on the way to the starting line and in the pack of runners I didn’t notice any overt frustration or upset or misery being exuded. I looked at my daughter several times during the race and she looked, quite frankly, like she was miserable. Her face was completely wet with raindrops dripping down her cheeks, her hat and jacket were snow covered and I knew that her feet and legs had to be wet just like mine were. I probably asked about fifteen times through the course of the race if she was okay and every time she said yes without hesitation. Not once did she say she wanted the race to be over, that she was cold or wet or tired. We passed and were passed by many runners and if there were tears or complaining I didn’t see or hear any. I heard buddy runners encouraging their partners and spectators who had the choice to be indoors or under cover were all along the course cheering on all the girls. As we came up the last hill I was pretty spent. I actually felt a little ill in those last couple hundred yards. I told my daughter to go because I wanted her to go as fast as she could. I kept my pace as she kicked hers up a notch but I didn’t feel I could go any faster. For the briefest of moments I actually wanted to just stop. Just as I had that feeling I saw ahead of me a little girl walking towards the finish line with the aid of a walker, her buddy runner beside her. I had only been running about a half an hour. This child had to have been walking the course for well beyond an hour. In the rain and in the snow and in a much more laborious manner than any of us had to endure. I was so moved by that sight it was all I could do not to lose it in those last fifty yards.

 

All of the girls accomplished something that day. They had all finished the race that they spent weeks training for and they didn’t let a little bad weather deter them. I witnessed girls who were determined, I saw perseverance, I saw adaptability, I saw good sportsmanship and empathy and compassion. And I saw lots and lots of happiness. Smiles and laughter abounded – before and after the race (during the race I am sure we were all smiling on the inside). I think they all learned something about themselves that day – whether it was that they could do the thing they didn’t think they could, that a little bad weather isn’t really all that bad, that running is pretty invigorating or that being in something together feels good. I know I learned all those things and more.

 

When I look back on the dread I felt when I woke to the sounds of rain I think about how silly it was to let myself feel that way. I was definitely being the pessimist thinking about how cold it was going to be, how we were going to be drenched by the end of the race – that it was just going to be awful. In the end, it was cold and we were drenched but it was not awful, it was uplifting. Seeing thousands of little girls out there, all with their own challenges to face in order to finish the race, laughing and smiling and excited was pretty cool. I have told myself that when I start to think things are not so great I’m going to think back on that day and see my daughter’s face dripping with rain and snow and how she said she was okay and that’s going to help me realize that I’m okay; that when I’m dreading facing something because conditions aren’t ideal, I’m going to remember how I dreaded the idea of the race that morning but how, in the end, I felt uplifted. And when I think that I just have to stop, that I can’t finish something I’m going to see that little girl who was approaching the finish line with her walker and I will know that I can make it. I was already a huge supporter of the Girls on the Run program but now I am even more so. – AMB

What helps you keep going when you want to stop? How do you keep a positive attitude when conditions aren’t ideal? What difference does it make to even bother?

seeing behind the labels

when i am shooting photography regularly, i am in the habit of seeing. that may sound strange. walking around with my eyes open all day, of course i'm seeing. but i'm talking about seeing beyond passing impressions. i notice the light, i notice expressions, i see relationships. just like when i'm marathon training and i am in better than average fitness, when i'm shooting a lot, i feel my seeing is amped up as well.

the seeing benefits carry over into the other aspects of my life, though. and sometimes they can provide real wakeup calls. since we've been discussing seeing in the past couple blogs, i thought i would explore this a little further. i was listening to one of my running podcasts on one of my weekend runs and the topic was nike's sweatshop practices. yes, several athletic apparel companies have overseas production practices that involve sketchy labor practices, low wages and also, in the case of running shoe manufacturing, create a lot of environmental toxins. but as documented for the past 15 years, nike, which enjoys 45% of the global market and the largest profit margins, has led the way in setting up manufacturing in countries that allow labor abuse (physical violence, intimidation, sexual abuse, starvation wages) and sweatshop conditions to exist.

i have favorite brands for my running gear... found from years of putting gear through the paces and determining what feels and functions best for me and my running habits. but as i was listening to this podcast about team sweat, a non-profit organization dedicated to ending nike's sweatshop abuses and establishing a model for other companies to follow, i looked down to notice the unmistakable swoosh on my shirt. i felt slightly better realizing i own just 4 nike shirts, not that many. but i came home and googled the other brands i typically wear to find that several were also possible sweatshop offenders. the precious two brands that in a cursory search seemed not be tainted by sweatshop involvement are arcteryx (canadian-made) and cw-x (made in the usa).

seeing, really seeing what we support with our consumerism, is a good thing. it's not just clothing. it's the food we buy, the products we apply to our skin and hair, the electronics we use. what is their story? do we see it? do we seek it? if you are interested in learning more about nike's abuses and team sweat, take a look at the short film, behind the swoosh: http://www.teamsweat.org/

seeing behind the labels is a great thing. taking action is an even more important step.

do you value transparency in companies and their values and practices? do you support companies that share your values? what actions can you take to bring your consumer choices in better line with your values?--liz

Promises and Inspiration

My good friend and blog partner Liz ran a marathon this past weekend in Vancouver. I hear she did well. I hope she had better weather than the rain we were having on race day where I live. As much as I love rain and how green it makes everything, there are times when I’d prefer the rain come again another day, as the song says. Of course if Liz loves running in the rain then I hope it rained!

This was not Liz’s first marathon but I think it’s probably one of the most meaningful ones that she has ever run. I can’t speak for her but personally, aside from continuing to be impressed that she can keep her legs running for 26.2 miles, this time I’m moved by the deeper reasons as to why she took on this marathon.

My mother-in-law, Liz’s Aunt Jane, died a little over a year ago from ovarian cancer. Liz and Jane shared a love of Vancouver. I had heard both of them speak of how they could live there – would even like to live there one day if they could. During Jane’s battle with cancer Liz made a promise that she’d run this marathon and Jane promised her she’d be there with her. Liz kept her promise and I’m sure Jane kept hers. But Liz did more than just stay true to her word - an admirable thing in itself - she ran this race in honor of Jane. She used it as an opportunity to make others aware of how deadly ovarian cancer is for women and to help the fight against this disease that often goes undetectable until it’s too late. Friends and family offered their support in myriad ways – many gave to the cause by donating to the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (http://www.ocrf.org).

 

This past weekend I thought lot about this promise of Liz's and her following through. It made me think about whether I keep my promises – promises that maybe no one but me knows about. I wonder if other people keep promises like that – the ones made to themselves silently or maybe ones that have been made to people who are no longer with us. It’s the ultimate in accountability. Think about it, the thing that makes us accountable, often times, is that people will know when we aren’t. Right or wrong it is often other people who keep us honest. When we show up late, don’t show up at all, don’t meet a deadline, or follow through on something we said we’d do we have to explain ourselves to those who we have let down. But when we make promises to ourselves – to eat better, to be more patient, to get our lives organized, to stop smoking, to be a better friend – no one but we will know if we’re following through so if we don’t, no big deal, right? That’s certainly what some people would say - a sort of no harm, no foul feeling - but it is a big deal. A very big deal. Sometimes the most important promises we make are the ones we make to ourselves; the ones that have the ability to impact our happiness, our well-being, our health, our relationships with others.  

 

Liz’s promise to her Aunt Jane - to herself - is inspiring. It was a big promise and one that I am sure she has found to be incredibly gratifying, rewarding and even healing. I am sure she felt Jane with her. I hope she had an amazing experience and felt an indescribable rush as she crossed the finish line.

 

There are great rewards to be had from keeping promises to ourselves. The end results can be personally rewarding but more often than not I think others also benefit from our following through on those personal commitments we make. I know that if I’m a happier, healthier, more fulfilled, more gratified and satisfied person others will most definitely reap the benefits. At a minimum my mood is more likely to register on the positive end of the scale and Amy in a good mood is certainly better for those who have to deal with her than Amy in a bad mood! And I can refer you to many people who will affirm that statement!

 

Of course, the promise Liz made resulted in much more than altering one’s mood – she corralled people’s support in her efforts to expand awareness and raise money for a valuable cause close to her heart. She showed us the importance of keeping our promises even when those to whom we made them are no longer in our lives.

 

I know it took a physical toll to get ready for that race - the hard work, determination and perseverance required to run a marathon is something I can only theorize about but I know it's significant. I'm taken aback by her physical accomplishment but even more so by the expression of love, of gratitude, of caring, of reverence that drove her to that beautiful city to run that big distance. Way to go Liz! You are an inspiration!!  - AMB

 

Who do you inspire? How?

Watch What You Say. Words Can Wound.

It never ceases to amaze me how seemingly intelligent adults who are in positions of (and supposedly qualified for) mentoring and educating children do not think before they speak. I suppose in general there’s a lot of not thinking going on before people speak, regardless of who is speaking to whom, and that really bothers me. Words are incredibly powerful and yet people often just say what they want without consideration for the feelings of others or how those words may impact another and for how long that impact might be. I know, we have Freedom of Speech in this country but I don’t think our founding fathers, in granting this freedom, intended for us to be completely unmindful and careless with our words.

 

Maya Angelou once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I think she is spot on. Right after someone hurts you with their words or their actions you might be able to remember verbatim what was said or exactly how something occurred but over time those memories fade, they become fuzzy and vague. What doesn’t go away, however, is the lasting impact of how you were made to feel by those things.

 

We have probably all been in situations where we said things we didn’t mean or said things in a way that was not how we meant them. While you can’t take your words back once you’ve uttered them you can apologize for them; you can do your best to minimize their impact. We teach our kids to apologize for the tiniest of slights to others wanting them to understand how important it is to be kind, respectful and considerate of others but so many adults seem to have a tough time uttering those words; two pretty powerful words themselves that can go a long way in fixing the damage your other words may have caused.

 

What bothers me the most when it comes to words is the way in which adults use them with children. Their choice of words, the manner in which they put them together and the tone with which they use them can pack a pretty damaging and hurtful blow to a child. What good is there in belittling a struggling student? What is a young athlete to learn or gain from being yelled at and humiliated by a coach for making mistakes in a game? What is a son or daughter to think when a parent uses intimidating tactics and words to reinforce their authority? There are ways to deal with children – with anyone really – that will impart your message without diminishing their self-esteem, their self-worth. Children’s brains are still in development until they are in their early-twenties. When an adult speaks to a child in a manner that is unkind, critical, rude or demeaning the possible emotional and psychological damage that can be done is significant, especially if this behavior is recurring. There’s that lasting effect. Do you want to be responsible for that?

 

Our words can cause children to quit teams; stop studying and give up on school; become reclusive and socially dysfunctional or become depressed. A little negative reinforcement isn’t going to necessarily have a life-long impact and not everything has to or can always be positive. We have to point out to children the error of their ways but think about how you do it before you do it. You can tell a struggling student how to improve his grades – there are ways you can encourage that student without making them feel dumb or badly about himself. For the athlete looking for more playing time, you can constructively offer advice, pointing out skills that need to be honed, ways to learn from her mistakes without making her feel unworthy of being on the team or that she will never get off the bench. For the child who spilled his milk or broke a vase, you can impart a consequence without belittling or humiliating him for his mistake or rule-breaking that led to the mistake.

 

Children already overreact emotionally to any sort of negative stimulus; we adults don’t need to make it worse by losing perspective ourselves and creating an uncomfortable, debasing or unfriendly atmosphere with our words and their usage. And here’s another reason to be careful, our kids learn from us adults. Some kids will reject those negative experiences and vow to never be like us and succeed in keeping that vow but others will repeat our mistakes because we’ve been such “good” examples. The research proves it. Do you want to be the one who starts that domino effect with your or someone else’s child? If not, think before you speak; choose your words carefully and always remember that the way you make someone feel will never be forgotten. - AMB

 

How do you think your words make people feel? Do you think there are times when you need to choose your words and the way you speak them more carefully? When?

Being Accountable to Ourselves

How ironic is it that the day after I officially joined a gym I woke up almost unable to move from back pain? I was not laughing for it was not funny ironic. And to be clear, it was not the gym’s fault. It was mine.

 

So, after our one-week trial at the gym my husband, son and I decided to join for a year. This was not an easy decision for me for in our basement we have a treadmill, recumbent bicycle, a universal weight machine, many dumbbells and a few other gadgets to help us stay fit. Why did we need to join gym? I was not sold on the idea but was trying to keep an open mind for my husband felt like it would be a good motivator and would offer us some diversity with our exercise. He thought we’d be more motivated if we had more options for our workouts – more and nicer weight machines, more aerobic options, classes we could take, etc. I was actually pretty good at using our basement workout stuff so to me the motivator would be the monthly fee – as a matter of fact, I was thinking that if we joined I would probably work out twice a day to make sure I got my money’s worth.

 

In the end I was probably more of a supporter of the membership than my husband or son. I went to my first trial session, met with a trainer and did the workout he planned for me. I felt great until the next day when I hurt like I can’t recall ever hurting before (not my back). That is part of what sold me – the pain. Clearly just about every part of me needed a little help or I wouldn’t be hurting so badly, right?  But I did like the diversity that came with the gym membership – I could do many different things, things I could not do with what was in our basement. I know I will still use the basement - the treadmill and the bike - on days when I am stretched for time or maybe feel like being alone working out versus with people at the gym but I am looking forward to getting into a routine and getting into better shape. But the gym is out of my comfort zone. I like to exercise alone – whatever the exercise I just prefer to do it alone. I told my trainer this when I was in for my orientation. He gave me some tips on feeling more 'alone' at the gym – times to come when it’s less crowded, ways to “zone out” while I’m there. I’m determined, however, to become stronger and more fit so I'm going to step into that discomfort zone. It will take determination, perseverance, courage and accountability. The monthly fee will help with all of these – I don’t like wasting money but that alone can’t do it. I’ve got to find it in me. I know I will. I am a happier person when I feel good about myself. And I feel better about myself when I’m exercising, when my jeans don’t feel too tight and when I don’t get winded going up to bed at night. Happy is important. When I’m being a slug I notice I’m a little moody – a little more sensitive, a little snappish. Happiness is a main driver of this decision. I’ve noticed in this short time as gym-goers that my husband and son also are happy when they have worked out. They talk about it – how it made them feel. They are into it. My daughter is too young to join but she is even into it – jump roping in the basement and riding the bike and she is extra excited about her next session with her Girls on the Run program that starts next week. How about that – doing something that is good for us is making us happy!

 

Now, since I mentioned my back and being almost unable to move I feel I need to get back to that and defend the gym a little. My back injury was not caused by my gym efforts, it was just bad timing. About six weeks ago I was having minor issues with my back – similar to what I’ve got now but not nearly as severe. I took it easy for a bit and then I didn’t notice it bothering me. I jumped right back into working out and doing everything as I always did. I chose not to go to a doctor to have it looked into. That was, in hindsight, a huge mistake. I was too busy and it didn’t hurt that badly was what I told myself. I was not being very responsible and look where it got me. I have been out of commission for four days. Today I can at least sit up long enough to type this blog entry without it being unbearable but it is still quite uncomfortable and I’m not out of the woods. Two doctor visits have helped but I have two more coming tomorrow and Friday. I am frustrated and mad at myself. I had a minor injury a month and a half ago that has turned into a major one due to my lack of action, my lack of accountability to myself. I have been unable to do much work, had to miss my daughter’s participation in her school’s science fair and have had to rely on my husband and kids to do everything around the house that I normally do. This is not the end of the world but it was avoidable. Had I taken responsibility for myself, for my own well-being I would not be in this condition. I have not been able to “be there” for my family, the ones that I love because of this. I’m trying not to beat myself up too badly for things happen and I certainly didn’t intend for this to happen but it was avoidable and for that reason I am rather bothered. It is a painful (literally) reminder that not only do we need to be accountable to others, we need to be accountable to ourselves. We are joining the gym for that reason – to be accountable to ourselves and to reach our goals of being healthy, strong and fit. And I have learned that I must see a doctor in a timely manner when little things crop up for they can turn into big things relatively quickly. I owe this to myself but also to those that I love.

 

It’s important to be accountable to ourselves. How good are you at being accountable to yourself? - AMB

Sports Values at Play…or Not

My children are both currently playing basketball. It’s their winter sport. My daughter is on a team of 2^nd and 3^rd graders and it’s mostly a learning experience. Some of the girls have never played before and it’s fun to see them “get it” as the season goes on. At this age everyone is very much in the encouragement mode – all positive reinforcement, hoping to instill in the girls an interest to keep active and keep playing basketball. It’s a lot of fun. Don’t get me wrong, the girls like winning as do the parents but there is a lot of cheering going on for nice shots or lucky shots or good play, regardless of which team your child is on. It’s not terribly competitive just yet. I know it will be in the not too distant future and I can only hope we run into less of what we ran into this past weekend with my son’s game.

 

My son is 13 and in the 8^th grade. He plays on a travel basketball team in a pretty competitive league. It’s not “just recreational”, it’s serious. Everyone takes playing and winning seriously – the players, coaches and parents. We all, in theory, want the same thing: good play, fair play, supportive environment, opportunity for the kids to further develop their skills. All the boys on these teams want to play basketball in high school – some are even thinking beyond that already (crazy!) – so they work hard at it. Unfortunately some adult eventually shows up at a game that really sours the whole experience. That happened this past weekend – in a big way. This one man decided that he was going to do everything in his power to heckle, rankle and disrupt the game – and the opposing team’s players. He was not, as many of the other parents in the gym were doing, cheering on their team in an encouraging manner. No, he was taking shots (no pun intended) at the players. Stomping on the bleachers and yelling out loudly as kids attempted to shoot their foul shots. When the gym was quiet he was not and what he was yelling was inflammatory and unsportsmanlike, to say the least. In this league, there’s a rule – I suppose unwritten – that you keep quiet during foul shots. It’s out of respect for these young players. I suppose he wasn’t breaking any rule by being so boisterous but shouting things out like “he’s going to miss – get the rebound” and hollering “we are winning this game, they are going to lose” while the opposing team’s players are attempting free throw shots was nothing I’ve ever seen out of a parent before. It’s true that parents, from time to time, express themselves in not so nice ways at games but it’s normally quick and isolated. Maybe there is a reaction to what is viewed as a bad call by a referee or perhaps a no-call. And sometimes there is a parent who excessively yells at his own kid. Neither of these behaviors is pretty nor positive but I have never seen a parent be so openly ugly towards the children of an opposing team. I was standing rather near this man at one point waiting to head back to my seat after a foul shot. I was waiting in order to not be distracting to the shooter by walking by as he shot – although I really don’t think I could have added to the distraction that was his incessant yelling. I could not resist saying to him as I passed – calmly but seriously – that his behavior was disrespectful. “You’re being very disrespectful towards the players” is what I said. His response was to wave me off with a sneer. A woman close by, presumably his wife or friend, later was defending him loudly stating that it was “his 5^th amendment right” although I believe she meant 1^st amendment. Citing his Freedom of Speech was, to me, ridiculous – as if that right somehow excused this man’s behavior.

 

It made me wonder if people truly use the First Amendment as a sort of scapegoat for their uncivil, disrespectful, outright rude and offensive behavior. Yes, we can all say whatever we want to in this country – it’s a great freedom – however, does that mean we should? Is it wise? Responsible? We have learned that the citing the First Amendment is not going to help you when you joke about bombs in security lines at airports. You can’t threaten to hurt someone and then get out of it by citing the first amendment. There are limitations and consequences to our freedom of speech. Rules can and do often state what is acceptable or not when it comes to our verbally expressing ourselves. You can’t call your boss profane names, for example, and expect to keep your job. That may not even be explicitly noted in your employment agreement but need it be? In their gyms most schools post their expectations of fan behavior and the consequences of not adhering to those rules. In the case of an unruly parent at the game we attended – most of the spectators felt he should have been removed from the gym. And that he should be removed every single time if he behaves like that. If my child behaved like that in a game he would not only be removed from playing in that game, he would be banned from playing in at least the next game. If he behaved like that in consecutive games he would not only be kicked off the team, he would not be permitted to play in the league. That is a league rule. But it’s okay for spectators to behave that way? The baseball league my son plays in exacts consequences on the player if his parent is removed from a game. Has it come to this – we have to have rules that punish a player when his parent is out of control?

 

The stands at a youth basketball game are no place for the kind of incivility and disrespect we witnessed – there is no place period for that kind of behavior. That man was a prime example of what I don’t want my child to be – he was rude, unkind, arrogant, disrespectful, uncivil and irresponsible. It was difficult for me to find a silver lining in having had this experience – to find a positive value to express but I worked hard and came up with this: I am grateful that I was provided with such an abhorrent example to point to that very clearly showed my kids exactly what I don’t want them to be when they grow up. - AMB

Girls on the Run – Teaching More About Values Than Running

This weekend my daughter Claire and I ran in a 5K race together. Claire is 8 and in the 3rd grade and came to be in this 5K through a program called Girls on the Run. Beginning in October Claire and twelve other girls at her elementary school met twice a week before school to train for this event. But this program isn’t all about the running.

 

Girls on the Run is a program that encourages young girls to “discover the power of running while they learn about self-esteem and strong values.” The Girls on the Run organization has more than 140 chapters in the United States and Canada. The executive director of the program states that “the goal is to develop mental, physical and social health.” Their running goal is to participate in a 5 kilometer (3.1 mile) race at the end of the training period which is what we did last weekend.

 

So, on a very cold race day thousands of girls came together to celebrate who they were and what they could accomplish. I was struck by a lot of things that morning. I saw an incredible amount of encouragement and support exhibited which was helping the girls push and stretch to achieve their goal. Parents, siblings, friends, strangers cheered us all on with signs, with words, with smiles. In the girls I saw happiness, perseverance, achievement, self-esteem, confidence and pride. Many of the girls, including my daughter, had not accomplished during their training the ability to run a full 5K without stopping to walk here and there. And while one of their goals was to complete the entire race without having to stop, the main message imparted was to do your best and from what I could tell that was happening in spades.

 

Claire, as well as many other girls, did achieve their running goal – they made it through the whole race without having to stop and walk. They ran hard across the finish line to a crowd full of cheering, waving, proud parents and supporters. Upon finishing, from what I could tell, the most important thing for them was finding the hot chocolate! The came, they ran, they finished, they drank hot chocolate to stay warm afterwards. All the girls received medals for their participation – a symbol representing their accomplishment – their perseverance, achievement, determination, self-esteem and commitment. A medal I think was well-deserved by every single one of them. I’ll never look at running quite the same again. - AMB